Bondaries and growing intimate

[David Norman]

I need some help on this one, in most of my relationships in the past. I have pursued the path of intimacy or getting close with a girlfriend by letting my boundaries down, however, I just feel like my self dignity goes with it, if that makes sense. Hope to hear from you all

david

[John C Pfefferle]

Well spoken. I too confess to same problem. I met a woman on a mission trip and we left friends. I visited her the next weekend as she lived close to where I was biilding a house. She invited me to stay in her guest room, and after dinner she asked me if I wanted to have sex. I was caught completely off guard as she had made it clear she was not interested in dating on the trip. Of couse, my boundaries were no where to be found. The long and the short of it is we got married 7 mos later, and she left the marriage 7 mos later. The problem I believe is that I never felt reconciled to God after and when she and I talked about, she simply wrote it off to "too much wine and a bad choice". Turns out that had been a large part of her life before meeting me.
I believe that had I established the necessary boundaries IN ADVANCE I would not be writing this now with a broken heart and raw wounds.

[lisa saunders]

I read only what you write on here, I see the answer in both entries..can you pick out the sentences or phrases where the complete idea does not meet the message of the paragraph? The first one is in ....of my relationships in the past. If they are in the past, leave them there...in the past. Ask Jesus to come into your life, and make it new. Establish a real relationship with Him. And then you learn how to make a lasting one through Him. You can then lead someone else in the light, and out of the darkness. The second paragraph: Of course, my boundaries were no where to be found. If you knew you did not do the right thing, upon just meeting someone who you may have been interested in for marriage (holy union) ....why would you expect her to do the right thing? The saved one (walking with the Lord) is the one responsible for their actions, reguarding sin. (you lead by your actions) I am merely pointing out what I see in the path's you both chose, I believe and love Jesus Christ, with my whole heart. I would not suggest anything other than christian living principles(found in Holy Bible) it only works when we apply them, without them we are lost. I know David does not like christian jargan, as he has stated, I wonder why...he is still struggling with relationship issues?

[David Norman]

Thanks Lisa for your response, I asked Christ into my life when I was 13 years old and attended 4 theological universities, each school had a certain set of beliefs about all the topics you bring up in your post, however, I am not sure how to put what your saying together with boundaries and growing intimate in a relationship. However, thanks for your support and response.

love, david

[lisa saunders]

David, It is in plain English. One would think with all that education, you would have learned how to read...at least. Maybe you should put together what God's word say's, (not from universities) from the Bible. When I refer to "Of course, my boundaries were no where to be found " part is John C. Pfefferie's sentence (the seventh sentence ..to be exact). So, I was taking out excerpts from both your writing and his. I find that some people just want to be told that they are right, and the other person is wrong. Maybe your mother never told you how much she loved you. Jesus does love us, and died to give us another chance. I am not going any deeper than that, because there is no need (read, bible, Jesus, loves, you) I think that is simple enough.If we put Jesus first, in our lives all of our relationships would be better and more fulfilling. You are welcome, and it is out of love and support, not religious jargan. I do wish there were more praying father's, who are to be the head of the praying family. Thank You, Lord for Your love and patience with Your people, in Jesus's name Amen

[David Norman]

Sounds like she just used you man as a door mat, thanks to God it only lasted for seven months. After investigating 100's of cases as a Private investigator. I find people live a complete lie for years only to be awaken by the facts and truth, that all their married life all the effort, all the stress has been spent with someone who truly never loved them, they've been living a lie. The truth of the matter is we all want intimate contact and love and companionship, and acceptance however, our relationship experiences tell us otherwise. Sounds also, like your girl was very self centered and really wasn't serious about having a lasting relationship. Anyways, I find when I get into a relationship that I begin forming submissive behavior patterns, almost like a kid, that's what I did when I was a kid to survive my mother's rage and violence, I want free of the fears I find grip me so strongly. I also find that most the time I become reactionary, rather than just taken deliberate action while in a relationship. Anyways, I believe it's important in a relationship to respect your own feelings and opinion, to stand one's ground. It also boils down to control as well, the person who cares least in a relationship always seems to control the relationship. Thanks John for understanding, have a happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas

[Sheri]

Hi, John,
I apologize but I might sound critical here, but please bear with me and see that I'm trying to help. You say you were caught off guard and your boundaries were nowhere to be found. In my relationships, I realized I was having problems because I was making decisions without considering my values and being too impulsive. You made a conscious choice to get involved with this woman without knowing her very well and then to marry her under those same circumstances. I know how you feel because I did the same thing but married a man of course. Until we see our responsibility in our decisions that brought negative consequences into our life, we give away our power to change and make better choices. I still might find a man someday who truly loves God and me and will give me the time to establish trust, and I hope you will find the companionship you seek as well. Just remember to take your time and know yourself and God and you will be okay.

[Sheri]

I'm not sure exactly what you mean about boundaries here. Any time we open up the tender parts of our emotions to another person, we risk getting hurt. In fact, even the best people will let us down sometimes because we are all human beings with strengths and weaknesses. People need to take the time to get to know each other before they take their communication to the level of discussing their innermost thoughts and feelings. For me, that takes several months, but everyone is different.

As far as physical intimacy goes, I don't think our culture has a very healthy standard now. People get physically intimate by about the third date all too often. That doesn't even give people enough time to get to know each other's thoughts and feelings so it sets a lot of people up to get hurt. God gave us the boundary of marriage for physical intimacy. In addition to feeling secure in the relationship by this point, we have no reason for guilt and shame since the Bible says the marriage bed is undefiled. Read Song of Solomon, a beautiful portrayal of God's creation and gift to us of physical intimacy.

Hope this helps. Love, Sheri

[David Norman]

Thanks Sheri,

People do let us down, and there is certaintly a element of patience there. I also think Sheri it is really difficult to truly know someone all that well, meaning good and bad, especially when they are putting up a front, or when they are just playing your emotions. It just seems difficult to find genuiness out there,
Thanks for your response,

david

[Sheri]

I agree that it does seem hard to find honest, compassionate people sometimes. I have a few close friends, but sometimes I still reach out to people who hurt me. I'm getting better at choosing, but still need more practice before I start dating again. Hope you find lots of friends you can trust. I think you have some here on this site.

[Dayle]

Hello David...
Lisa and Sheri have both given excellent responses. Without Jesus being the center of your life, there will be no peace in your relationships. For God to reign over your life, there must be true repentence...confessing and turning away from all sin that keeps you in darkness. From what you say, your past is the driving force behind your behavior. However, as a new creation in Christ, we can choose to put away the pain of the past and forgive those who hurt us. There is no love that compares to the way Jesus loves us! Embrace all He has for you! I was severely abused throughout childhood so I do understand...however, when I truly gave my life to the Lord, I could see my past through a new lens...an adult lens. When Jesus died on the Cross, everything was put into perfect perspective for us. We have been recipients of the greatest love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness there could ever be...we honor Him by extending the same to others through forgiveness. And when we make the choice to forgive, our healing begins.
~No matter how much education you have received, the only thing that matters is your relationship with Christ. Everything we need to know to live an abundant life is contained within the Bible. We cannot justify sinful behavior by any means. God's commandments are clear and concise.
~There will be no peace to be found in your relationships until you are at peace with your relationship with Christ...are you living in His will? It is not about you...it is all about Him. You cannot write your own version of what is acceptable to God...either our behavior is in line with His will, or it is not. It is that simple, but as sinners we do tend to want to overlook the parts of the Bible that we don't like to justify behaviors that we prefer not to give up. As we mature in Him, we understand that our Heavenly Father does know what is best for us and we can trust that His plan is better than anything we could have imagined for ourselves.
~You're are using your work as a Private Investigator to justify passing judgement on others. The world is full of sinners and bad behavior. If you expect the worst from people, that is exactly what you will find. If you have the love and light of Christ within you, you will attract the kind of relationships that you desire. We are to be the mirrors that brightly reflect the glory of God. God wants our relationships to be about giving the best of ourselves to others...not fulfilling selfish desires.
~To state that "it is important in a relationship to respect your own feelings and opinions, and to stand one's own ground" (in your response to John P.), shows an element of control. Relationships are about giving each other love and respect and working through problems prayerfully, in a manner that honors God. If you enter into relationships with suspicion, judgements, expecting to be hurt, etc., you are already controling the situation rather than keeping Christ at the center of you life.
~As Sheri stated, God gave us the boundary of marriage for physical intimacy. There should be no physical intimacy outside of the marriage covenent. That is a willful choice, outside of God's will...a choice that He will not bless. Until you are right with God about your previous choices, you cannot possibly be in a relationship that honors God. You will be running in circles, never finding the contentment and peace you so desire. "Open relationships" are not acceptable in the Kingdom of God. As a dad, it is your responsibility to be an example of what a Godly man represents. You have the opportunity to give what you did not receive as a child through the love and example of Jesus.
~All things are possible through Him who loves you! ~God bless you....dayle

[David Norman]

The correlation between intimacy with Christ and intimacy with other's is understood, however, I have always viewed my relationship to Christ as a state of being, rather than a progressive process, you either know Him or you don't. Some of the abstract ideas expressed really seem to separate and attack rather than unify and identify, also the attitude and approach of somehow obtaining this higher level of consciousness seems mystical rather than Biblical. Each person I've met wants to be known and accepted by someone else. However, it seems most people's acceptance or rejection of you is based on performance. In other words do I perform to other people's expectations, or am I just a disappointment. Another observation, how many of us speak from experience of obtaining and practising intimate relationships without the violation of our boundaries, compared to those who've failed to obtain intimate relationships, maybe that's just the way life is. Love you all and have a Merry Christmas. There are alot of things we each feel and experience that often are "the givens" in life, however, openly discussing this things I think help us draw closer to other people rather than form barriers.

[lisa saunders]

Its supposted to allow the Holy Spirit to fix our damaged emotions, by opening up and discussing these things..that have damaged us and knowing that others are damaged also. As much as we are a work in progress ..so is our relationship to Christ. If one is passionate about something in life, (they want it for themselves) they tend to protect what they hold dear, to keep it safe from the world. It may come across to some as separate and attack, but is passionately defending their own experiences of their life lessons. I like Psychology for living Dr. Narramore damaged emotions, it is christian based. There is the conscious know Christ, and the unconscious. There is also our damaged emotions which have to be accounted for in the equation; which could explain why some christians loose hope and begin to doubt. If most people's acceptance or rejection of you is based on their relationship with Christ, it might not be a disappointment. (just an observation) David, I do so pray for your restoration and new life through Jesus Christ, who sends us our helper Holy Spirit, to show you how to help yourself, and to send those who can open you to truth, please know my writing comes from love, have a blessed merry Christmas and the happiest New Year..free from barriers...in Jesus"s name Amen