Cancel the internet? Get Counseling?

[Carol]

Do you think I should turn off the internet on a computer we have in our downstairs family room? I have recently found out that my 12 year old son is struggling with pornography. I have the computer password protected, and also use a net nanny type program. he seems to find ways to still get on the internet and view nudity and such. He says he misses it if he doesn't view it for several days. I thought I had things pretty well locked down until tonight when I found out that he has been going into my older son's account and viewing photos. My older son is a photographer and a non-believer so he has questionable pictures saved in his files in the name of art. Any ideas? Am I over reacting if I take the internet off of this computer, and also have my oldest son remove all his files from the computer? Should I take him to see a counselor? I am basically in this by myself because my husband is not connected relationally to his sons in a way where he would get involved at this level. He fathers from a distance and on a superficial level. I have told him about this son's struggles and he has said he needs to get involved with him, but nothing beyond words ever takes place. Any advice?

[Sheri]

You can call the 1-800-NEW-LIFE number and they can refer you to a counselor. Hope this helps. Love, Sheri

[Sheri]

Also, with my sons I put them in Scouts and sports they were interested in to be around other boys and men. God also brought some really great male teachers into their lives. I just ordered one of the Every Man's Battle books for boys also. It may have some good information as well. I'd start with the counseling first though. Love, Sheri

[lisa saunders]

The gift of Prayer, The greatest thing you can do for someone is to pray for someone. There is no greater gift I can receive than someones prayers. I believe the prayers of people saved my life. I'am eternally grateful. I felt your prayers, and they are the reason I'am alive today. Material things are temporary, but our prayers for another person can affect them for a lifetime. We can never move into all God has for us until we first move into intercessory prayer. This is one part of our calling that we have in common, because we are all called to intercede for others. God wants us to love others enough to lay down our lives for them in prayer. We can never be truly whole and fullfilled or find any lasting peace unless we are giving to others. We release the flow of Gods blessings to us by letting them flow through us. Giving to God and to others creates a vacuum into which God pours more blessings. If we stop up that flow we stop up our lives. We must pray that God will show us how to give and enable us to do it. We cant live successfully without right priorities in our lives. We have to be led by the Holy Spirit and have a clear knowledge of Gods Word in order to understand what they should be. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. Your relationship with the Lord must have top priority over everything else. He wants our undivided attention, when we seek Him first every day and ask Him to help you put your life in order, He will do that. I know from experience, and I'am sure you do too, that when we dont seek Him first, our lives get out of control. As a result our lives start ruling us, instead of us being in charge of them. God is a God of order. He will show us how to align ourselves in accordance with His will. Jesus Himself was submitted to God. He humbled himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross (phil 2:5-8) What a role model He is for all of us! Plant me in the church you want me to be in. Give me discernment and wisdom about this. I seek You first, all that I need will be added to me (matt 6:33) I ask that You would enable me to put my life in perfect order, so that my family's life will be also, may we never come out from under the covering of spiritual protection You have placed in my life..in Jesus's name..Amen

[suzyQ]

something that happens from a distance and on a superficial level isn't fathering I guess...
And if we connect the dots here, I think your boys are missing the emotional connection with a strong father, who's an example to them, also concerning pornography and such. Could your son be filling a void with that pornography? And how's your relationship with your husband? If he "fathers" from a distance, does he do marriage from a distance too maybe?
Maybe a counselor could help you guys to really connect. So that you can be a team in dealing with your son's issues. It so helps if children feel parents are on the same team. I'm also guessing there's more than one void to be filled in your family. If I were you I'd talk to a good counselor and try to drag my husb. with me. Meanwhile a book for your son might help, like "Every Young Man's Battle". Yet at 12... shouldn't he be playing outside with his friends? I think nothing will really bring lasting change until you tackle the root issue. Which is a lack of good connection I guess. I could be wrong. But these are my thoughts.

[Carol]

Yes, I think your thoughts are very acurate. Thank you for replying. My heart is weary over this issue. I have a son that is soon to be twenty who is just coming out of a terrible five year period. He became addicted to sex, alcohol, and drugs. He tried to kill himself and we had him placed in a detox unit. From there he spent eight weeks in the Recovery Place in FL trying to heal and learn to cope. He is clean now and working everyday but he is very synical towards most of life. He was a very sensitive child but around the age of 11-12 started getting very depressed. I used to explain to my husband what I felt this son needed from him and my husband would listen and agree but nothing would ever change as far as the connectedness from my husband towards the boys. He just doesn't seem to get it. He has a very short attention span and if you give it a week, from the time of an incident and what I might think was a meaningful conversation, he will loose the thread and get preoccupied with work and self. He is a great provider as far as that goes, but living with him makes me feel like life lacks the feeling of being alive. He is a yes-man and is always in a good mood. I guess my kids are finding ways (not productive) to deal with all of this.

[Sheri]

You might want your husband to see a doctor. He seems to lack the ability to feel empathy and compassion. This could be caused by a medical problem such as adult ADD or he could have childhood trauma issues, and need medication for anxiety. If the latter, he might also benefit from a Celebrate Recovery group or counseling.

[Lisapea]

Carol

Everyone has had great things to say, but no one has said for you to get rid of the computer.(unless i missed it) This is your home and if he is struggling, get rid of the internet. Jos. 24:15 And if it seems evil unto you to serve the LORD, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that [were] on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. You are in charge of your home if your husband is not stepping up to the plate then you need to protect your son and let him know it is just unacceptable period. I think your gut is telling you to get rid of it but your afraid. Fight for your son. Stay in prayer, seek counsel for him and yourself. Personally I dont think its necessarily a bunch of psychological deep rooted mumbo jumbo, its the world infiltrating a very prevalent sin that affects our young men in this culture and we need to battle it on every front Its in our face in every facet of our day and he has bought the lie. Seek after Godly things for his life and keep fighting for him. I will be praying for you both as well.

[Carol]

Thank you for these well grounded words of wisdom. I am afraid at times, mostly because I feel so alone in this. God is near, I sense that, but my life partner is not really a partner, he is like having another kid, not someone to build and work together with. I am getting rid of the internet in the family room and the cable as well. It is what I feel I need to do. Thanks for your prayers, they mean a lot.

[Sheri]

I know how you feel. I loved my husband so much, but he had similar issues as your husband. He was not there for me. Sometimes he was affectionate, but a lot of the time he was angry and I didn't know about what. He began to do self-destructive things and make decisions that were hard to work around. Then he began to do passive aggressive things that made it hard for me to take care of the family. I finally couldn't work around it anymore. I left and he made my life and the kids miserable for a lot of years. I prayed that the Lord would change his heart or make him leave us alone. He finally did the latter. I don't know what happened to make him change because he wasn't like that when we were dating or during the first years of our marriage unless he had the issues and they just didn't show up as much. Maybe the pressures of family life were too much and messed up his body chemistry. As far as I know he didn't have any alcohol or drug issues. I know his father was hyper-critical and my husband chose to work in their family business. I don't think that helped him any. Sometimes I helped and sometimes I didn't because I just got so tired of trying to deal with all the problems he was making and figure out how to raise kids alone. But we are fine now. The Lord has brought healing to my sons and me. I hope he has healed my ex-husband also. He is remarried and as far as I know he is happy. I miss him sometimes and the way he was at the beginning. I really didn't want to raise children without a father, but sometimes things happen that you can't plan for. Will continue to pray for you, but maybe from my experiences you can see that there is hope.

[Tam]

Turn it off and get him counseling......You could stand over him for an hour a day and watch him as he uses the net. But I would strongly suggest counseling before this goes any further.

[Sheri]

There is also parental blocking software you can get. I can't remember the name of it, but if you call the New Life number or your local Christian Radio station they will probably have the information. Focus on the Family's Web site may have it as well, or you could Google it.

[suzyQ]

Hi Carol,

I'm so sorry you're in this situation and that you don't feel a good connection with your husband. You said he's like having another kid. That must be really hard. And lonely. I'm so sorry. I guess you're going to have to be the one to initiate change in all this. Cause nobody else in your home seems to be doing it. But in order to do this and keep it up, I think you need a stronger you... Seems like there's a lot of guilt you're dealing with and you're having a hard time not listening to it. It's so good you've come here for help and other people's views on the situation. I think it's so important to find yourself some help that will make you strong enough to deal with all the "children" in your home. Which IS really hard, and no one can do this alone! I heard Henry Cloud talk about this once on his website... people who act like children shouldn't be treated like adults. You shouldn't listen to their guilt messages, their ignorance, their irresponsibility... You should listen to God and make some bold moves to help them grow up. Children should't stay children It's everyones responsibility to grow up and mature and be responible to others! It's a really loving thing to do.. getting rid of your Internet. God's on your team. I believe He wants to make you strong and I pray He will send you the right people that can help!

Blessings,
Suz.