cling-ons

[suzyQ]

I find no other word to describe the people I seem to be attrackting, although the word sounds a bit harsh.
Ok, here it goes. In my church there seem to be a lot of people who, when they talk to you, they stand so close to you that you can feel them breathing. And, I really don't feel comfortable with that so I usually take a step backwards and hope they get my little hint. But they never do, they just keep moving forward in my direction. It also seems that they think they should touch my body while we're talking. I don't get that! I really don't like it. So, last time I just said something about it directly yet gently and got a really weird response. The lady said "oh, I'm sorry Suzy" while she touched my arm!! urgh, yah :-)
Is it me? Does my face say, touch me? Do I lack boundaries? Does anyone else have this happening often?
This is just so weird. And it only happens in church.

[dr]

They probably don't even realize they're doing it. I'm a toucher/hugger so you'd have to tell me as kindly as you can too.
I forget that not everyone likes to be hugged or touched because it doesn't bother me. Now having someone get in my space does bother me. When I can see the food in their teeth they are too close!! :) I doubt if it's about you or your boundaries. It will be interesting to see what others have to say.

[David Norman]

Hello suzyQ,

LOL, I truly know what your talking about, I attend AA meetings and they are several women in the meetings that often want to touch me and hug me, it's sick actually, but I try to be a nice guy, but they are so stepping across lines with me. I think they somehow translate kindness with attraction or something who knows. However, I don't want to come across as a mean person, but if things don't stop, I guess I will have to be a jerk, I don't honestly know the right way or saying don't touch me, don't hug me, don't approach me like that at all.

david

[Christian 01]

Boundaries begin with you. Put your hand up, like a stop sign. Or Cross yourself. Usually putting a hand up signals to the other person to stop. Stepping back is good, but putting your hand up is like universal. Stop! If someone gets too physical touching, etc, then tell them to stop. People are so worried about hurting each others feelings. This leads to an abuse. The secret no-one wants to declare.

Say gently but firmly; "I am not a touching person."

Not loudly in a public setting, if possible take the person aside. Gently tell them you do not find this acceptable. When we shed light onto things, it will dissipate. Avoiding it, just makes it grow.

What are you talking aobut when this happens? oftentimes the person feels some type of bond because they feel you are sharing something. This is a way to deepen the sharing. Moving to the next level, physical. whatever it is. Good or negative. notice when people gossip, they move close together. Whisper in the ear, lower their voices, but there is a conspiratorial air about it. Not that you are gossiping. Just for some reason they feel the need to take the conversation to the next level.

How people respond is not your problem, Hurt feelings, etc. What matters is that you set the boundary. We learn from each other. We teach people how we want to be treated.

Do you have a sign? I am needy. I need attention. Well, in some way don't we all? look at Christ. People were constantly grasping at him. Yet even He went around the other way rather then be grasped. He knew there was a time and place. Also that people drain Him. So He went around, but continued to move forward.

Don't allow people to drain you. We think we are supposed to feel protected in church, but we are also surrounded by wounded and broken people. God Bless You!!

[suzyQ]

Hi Guys,

Thanks for your reactions. And a happy Easter to all of you.

I agree with christian 01 that boundaries start with us. And that people are often affraid to hurt each others feelings. That is what often stops me from being direct. It's also true that avoiding things just makes them grow. Thanks for reminding me! My newyears resolution for this year was to not let people drain me. And I'm sticking to it.
Also thanks for the Jesus example. It helped.

Think I'm gonna have to find my own personal style of saying I don't like being touched during casual conversations, by people I hardly know.

Seems like people in my church and probably in other churches too, think they ought to act as if they're close, and when they do, it makes them feel they're good and caring christians. But true closeness doesn't come from the head. It comes from the heart and it respects other peoples boundaries. So if they can't respect me not wanting to be touched then they're not really being close I guess. And that's too bad.

SuzyQ