Forgiveness of Past

[Dana Slund]

I'm having a terribly hard time forgiving my husband's past. He has been very faithful and wonderful from the first time we started dating. My problem, and I know it's MY problem, not his, is about the time before we dated. I found out just recently some things about his dating/sexual past that I hadn't known before. When I found out, it hurt. For instance, he always, always said he never dated much, when recently he said he realized he HAD dated a lot. And one girl he dated for long periods of time when he was a teen-ager and again as a young adult (which before he said he'd never dated anyone for very long). This isn't all that's come to light. And I know it doesn't seem like much, but the fact that he was a different person before I met him than I thought for over 25 years disturbs me. Especially something he had done sexually.
I want to know who he dated and had been with sexually, but he refuses to tell me because he says it's not important and he doesn't want to think about it. Am I wrong to want to know these things? I've told him every detail of every relationship in my past years ago because he wanted to know. I feel like he's hiding something from me by not telling me. But I don't want to remind him of his past girlfriends for fear that will bring them to mind when he truely has forgotten about them. Any suggestions?

[Sheri]

Out of all the relationships and experiences he had, he chose you to love and spend the rest of his life with. I would give him a break and forget the past. Enjoy the time you have together now. Love, Sheri

[Dana Slund]

Thanks Sheri. I'll try. It's just really hard when we keep running into different girls that he dated, and I don't realize they dated until they TELL my kids they used to date their dad. Or he gets all nervous around them. I never say anything at the time. But it usually comes up later.

[Sheri]

My ex-husband was a big flirt. It didn't bother me too much until he started staying out all night and I didn't know where he was. I just don't want to see you making yourself unhappy if you don't need to.

[Sheri]

For your kids, they just want to feel safe. So maybe you could tell them something like, "Daddy had lots of girls for friends until he picked me to make a family. Then we had you and we are all so blessed to have each other. We may still see some of these girls. Some of them have chosen husbands and some of them are still looking for someone special to share their lives. But daddy picked us and we mean so much to him, he'll always stay with us." Hope this helps.

[Dana Slund]

Thanks, Sheri. I want to tell you I actually had a long talk with my husband last night. I always hesitate to bring it up because he says he doesn't like to think about times past with other women, which I do appreciate. He told me some things I didn't really want to know, but also some things that made me feel more secure in his love for me. I don't know if I could have talked to him about it if I hadn't heard your suggestions. Thanks!

[Carolyn]

Hi Dana,
Just let it go. If you can't then why does it bother you? He chose you. He chose to promise to be with you for the rest of your lives. Is it really important that you know? Why?
I guess my concern would be that if it was me that was insecure in a relationship, I would want to overcome that so that we could build on what we have and not what happened before we were married.
Saying a prayer for you and your husband.

[Dana Slund]

Thanks for the prayers, Carolyn. I realize this is really MY problem, and I have prayed and prayed and tried so hard to figure out why I am so insecure about this. If anyone has any suggestions as to how I can figure this out so that I can move forward in a positive way, I'd love to hear them! Thanks!

[Sheri]

Hi, Dana,
I'm glad the suggestions were helpful and you got some positive encouragement from your husband. I like what Dr. Phil McGraw teaches about asking "what if" questions. The New Life counselors probably have something similar I just haven't read it in their books yet. He says to answer the questions. So if you're feeling insecure, try to figure out what the "what if" question is in your head and answer it. For me, it's what if my car breaks down and I get stuck out somewhere. My solution is I have friends I can call, keep their phone numbers with me, and have coverage on my insurance so they will come and help me, and tow my car if necessary. Another one for me is what if I want to remarry. My solution is I have expectations and standards someone would have to fulfill to fit into my life and I have to decide what I would be willing to change to make room for someone. Hope this helps.

Love,
Sheri

[Dana Slund]

Thanks again, Sheri. I'm trying to do the "what if" questions, but I'm having a lot of trouble coming up with ones that help. But I'll keep trying!
God bless,
Dana