How do I stay married to someone I've never loved?

[Jonny]

I married her because we got along very well and we had a lot in common. We agreed on a lot of issues and were very like minded but theres one problem.... I never loved her. I figured that I would grow to love her but its been almost 3 years since we've been married and I've been dying inside. I can't fake it anymore. Since we've been married its been nothing but fighting and arguing. And the first 2 years were absolutely hellish!! I cant take this anymore. I always find myself day dreaming about someone else who doesnt even exist jus to keep my self happy. What do I do? Ive prayed and prayed and PRAYED for so long for God to help me "love" her but the feelings were never really there. And it affected our sex life in a huge way. I never want it. Ever. And it kills her too. Im just not attracted to her. sigh. If anyone can show me a light at the end of the tunnel I would really appreciate it. I'm on the edge of divorce. I know it isnt what God wants but I cant take it anymore. I want to love someone with all my being....

[kathy]

Hi Jonny. My heart goes out to you because I can hear the desperation. Where you are is a very hard place, especially because you started off in this way. Don't loose hope though. First, love is a choice. Most couples do come to this realization at some point in life. The movies is the only place that the original passion carries the relationship. Now for some more practical help. I suggest you find the book "The Love Dare" which goes hand in hand with the movie Fireproof. Watch the movie, it will inspire you to put the book into action. The main theme of this combo is about choosing to love and puts that choice into action. Forget about the sex temporarily, leave it to celebrate the time when it is motivated by love. This is also meant for a one-sided goal to a better marriage, so you can do it even if she has given up. Your desire to full fill God's purpose for marriage is a good startig point and this will give some "action" things to move in that direction. God will bless you with the desire of your heart, when you so earnestly seek His desire. I'll be praying for your marriage and if you have a mens group, you might want to ask for their support too. God bless your journey!

[JanetPA]

Hi Jonny, I think there are more married people in your shoes at one time or another than you think, and there is hope. Your desperation to flee, and thinking of a fantasy woman in the meantime are two great obstacles to you finding contentment in your marriage. I would like to encourage you - "Do not fear!" You seem to be having a major adjustment to marriage, since it was not what you pictured it to be. This is completely normal! The stress on both of you must be terrible, but it doesn't have to be terminal. Our daughter and son-in-law had a hard time the first year, and into the second, getting better as time went on, now they've been married almost 7 years and are even better. They got some counseling, went to a marriage retreat (the New Life one is a great place to start!) and got a lot of support from family and church. I feel very sad for your wife, too. She must feel the rejection in ways you don't even realize, including your disinterest in sex.

I think what you're really asking is, "Does God care if I'm happy?" That's a question I have heard asked on the New Life Radio program. Perhaps you could look up on the archives of the show on www.newlife.com for some insight. I have asked myself this question many times, especially when I felt like giving up. I took those feelings to a christian friend, and talked, and prayed, and even sought counseling to help resolve them. So, I'm glad you are seeking advice and counsel from others here, and hopefully you would get some pastoral or professional counseling. There is wisdom in that. God has answered my need to love and to be love with Himself, and encouragement from others. I love Him and my husband so much now!

I hope you will want to do what God shows you to do. I remember that I would look at 1Cor.13 and see, "love never fails" and know that I didn't have that love, but that God did. I believed that He would give it to me because He wants us to be like Him, and I was right! He did! I believe there is hope for even your marriage, if you really want to please God, you will seek and do His will. It sounds that you might be looking for a feeling. Feelings are fleeting, they come and go. That's why God so highly values the marriage covenant. Love is a choice, based on commitment. Get help, and start reading some excellent books on marriage. Don't follow feelings. You may be addicted to that feeling of love, and that may show that your "love muscle" is under developed.

I think it's impossible to find the love your heart longs for without being connected to the love Jesus gives us in a personal relationship with Him. He is the source of all love, for God is love. I'm sure if you looked into growing spiritually, you'd gain the love you need. I know, I was in a very similar situation. Now we're going to celebrate our 30th Wedding Anniversary. How could this happen when we weren't "in love" when married? I leaned on the Lord because I knew he hates divorce, and I didn't want to offend Him, so I knew He must have a solution. The turmoil and agony of my unhappiness was exactly what I needed to turn to Him with all my heart, in my desperation. I was pregnant upon marriage, and also desperately wanted to keep my marriage in tact for our child, and had 3 more... My unhappiness was God's tool to get me to rely on Him, and not the presence of my "in love" feelings to persevere. It took me surrendering my will, to seek His, and I look back now and am SO glad we made it! I truly did need to learn to love my husband and to be unselfish. I was making my feelings an idol that I worshiped! If I had quit, I would have missed out on how God has taught me to love, and drawn me close to himself. I feel truly satisfied now, and wish I'd done it sooner instead of making him responsible for my feelings, and thinking that he must have been "the wrong person", for many years.

The good news is, since you made a vow before God, I wouldn't break it so easily. He promises to give us the grace we need to do His will! He equips us for the journey! Your situation doesn't constitute "biblical grounds" for divorce. The act of divorce is absolutely devastating to both parties, and carries heavy consequences in terms of emotional damage. That's why God hates it, but He loves you, and wants you to come to Him for the love you need for yourself, and that will spill over to her in terms of the "fruit of the Spirit" described in Galatians 5:22-23. That's what living the Christian life is all about! You won't get that by quitting.. God will help you! Believe His "arm is not too short" to help you!

I have no regrets now, looking back. I am so glad we didn't quit when we felt that desire. Our kids have thanked us for persevering, and our marriage is a trophy to God. We can encourage others too. I know it's tough. Jesus said, "With God, all things are possible". I hope you will consider this. Start acquiring tools to help fix the marriage and your attitude comes first. There is a lot of help available. Please commit to taking the next right step! Check out some of the books available on NL, call the show, seek help.

Love and Prayers,

Janet

[Brenda]

Often time we look to people to fill our Christ sized hole in our heart. Jonny the good news is...you are not alone. Your words are actually quite common and thank God we are not left without answers and direction. There are a couple of things that really have helped my marriage. One is "The Five Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman and "Marriage on the Rock" by Jimmy Evans. For instant gratification check out Jimmy's website. You may find you have a lot in common...

http://www.marriagetoday.org/site/PageServer?pagename=mtrl_home

Remember...a good marriage isn't easy, nor isn't something that just happens. Statistically you have a 50% better chance of having a great marriage with your current wife than with the next "what seems like misses right". (The enemy's lie and lure.) Don't mean to sound harsh but truth and love require honesty.

Loving you in Christ,
Brenda

[Brenda]

P.S. You said..."I want to love someone with all my being...."

According to the Bible, there is only One person out there for this to be possible successfully. All others will leave you empty on the inside. There is only one logical choice. If you are serious about getting help, see Deut 6:5, 11:13, 30:20, Ps 31:23, Matt 22:37, 1 Cor 16:22. If you are anything like me then read 1 Cor. 13:4-7. Honestly and humbly I never knew what true love was until I read this. I thought I knew, but who am I to define love? Hope this helps. May God bless you richly!

[Visi]

Hi,
Perhaps instead of praying to "love" her, just pray for him to guide you both. Love is a choice we all make, marriage is an endless change and you are certainly not alone in this. There are several things you can do to improve this situation... Steve Arterburn puts out a book series entitled "Every Woman's Marriage" and "Every Man's Marriage" and a workbook for each. It may help the two of you come together and heal. There is also a book... Love Dare, I have heard others talk about this book, many with success. Stay strong and lean on God to help you find the way. Prayers are with you! Thanks for sharing, I pray you find the encouragement you need.
God Bless
Visi

[Visi]

Please accept my apologies. The authors of the above mentioned books "Every Woman's Marriage" and "Every Man's Marriage" are Shannon and Greg Ethridge. Stephen Arterburn has a great many good books, of which I could recommend, but I wish to give credit where credit is do. I would still highly recommend both, by the way. I know you desire to flee from this marriage, however my friend, there are no gaurantees that what awaits you in terms of a relationship will be any better then what you are currently dealing with. The difference is, you have three years to build on. I wish you all the best. God be with you both.
Visi

[kathy]

So Jonny, how is it going?

[Jonny]

Well things are still not good. I cant help but feel like I want to run away every single day. Just yesterday we had an issue with sex and I was sumply not into it at all. I have absolutely NO desire for it. None at all. Everyday I feel like Im not supposed to be with her. Im truly miserable. I'm always moody around her and I sometimes treat her like shes a bother to me. Which most of the time she is. (sigh) I feel like im in a prison............. To be honest here, if she were to leave I wouldnt miss her. I would feel like Im free to be happy. I have just never loved her. I cant. You cant force your heart to do something it cant do period. Im sure God Himself wouldnt want us to love Him forcefully. It would have to be genuine. I think I'm getting a divorce soon. It's the only option I have left.....

[kathy]

Is it the only option? Recall the scripture, "BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD". Have you tried to here God's will in this? Many men have stood where you are today. All have chosen to either stay or go, and reaped the rewards or suffered the consequences. Something to consider before you go is that your next relationship will require the same decision at some point. Take the time to try to learn how to love the way Christ loves. He does not force us to love Him, we chose to love Him, with great rewards for us. People who never loved Jesus, don't miss it either, yet He continually persues them. You might not miss her if she left now, but could you miss an opportunity to build something greater than you can imagine. I still think if you gave the movie FIREPROOF a chance, it might give you an idea how common your circumstances are. I will continue to pray for you, that you let yourself be guided by the HOLY SPIRIT.

[Allen Brown]

Jonny, I hope that you are still trying! Please know, love is not a feeling, it is a choice! God has called you to lover her because she is your wife. He does not ask us to do anything that we can not do and that He will not enable us to do! I ask you this "What If God Created Marriage to Make Us Holy More than to Make Us Happy?" This is on the front of the book Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. My marriage has been on the Rocks since October of last year! I did not like my wife or respect my wife but I knew I loved her and was called by God to remain with her! I asked God, show me, you command us to love so it must, it has to be an act of the will, a voluntary act, a decision! The first thing He asked me to do was to sacrifice my time and thought life for her! He told me, find things to do for her, find ways to serve her... where you put your time, money, effort, there your heart will be also. I began folding the laundry for her, doing the dishes for her, running errands and getting groceries for her, anything I saw that I could do to help her. I began praying for her fervently! I put my heart, soul, time and actions into her and God gave me feelings I have never experienced before! Don't worry about sex, talk to her, listen to her, caress her and give her a massage and leave it there! If you see her as Christ sees her and love her unconditionally, He will bless and do the rest. God, please, please give Jonny the grace, mercy, strength, wisdom and understanding to accomplish what you want him to accomplish in his marriage... in the name of Jesus Christ, our savior and example! Let it be so.

[Sheri]

Hi, Jonny,
You have received some great advice here. I am wondering if the source of your problems now could be your communication styles. It sounds like you started out okay, but then things went wrong because of the fighting.

Instead of arguing maybe you could postpone discussions until neither of you is upset. Then try to see each other's positions objectively. You could approach your issues like a business meeting, write down the issues with possible solutions, and then work on them one at a time so they don't seem so overwhelming.

I have heard about the book, How We Love, that tells how we trigger each other's painful past experiences. I haven't read it yet, but maybe it would have some helpful suggestions for you too. The New Life weekends have a money back guarantee also if you attend and still divorce. Divorce may seem like a relief and a way out of the pain. But I can tell you from personal experience, that it may seem like a relief initially, but the pain hits you later and it's deep.

Also, if we don't resolve our issues in relationships they come up again in future interactions. Feelings come and go. Usually problems in our sex lives come up last and are symptoms of other issues. Also, historically people married for economic reasons, to start a family, for companionship, etc. So getting along well and having a lot in common were good reasons to marry. Only in modern times have people used their feelings as a basis. Hope this helps. Best wishes.

[Vicki Ruth]

I am in the same boat, however, I am the wife. I actually did find another lover but the guilt made me confess to my husband. I am not sure what to do either. I feel as hopeless as you do. We also have 3 kids together so it makes it harder to break it off. I am having a hard time letting go of the other guy, he sort of makes it easy by ignoring me, mostly because I am married.