I need help

[Carolyn]

IIt's hard to even know where to start.

We've been married for 31 years. My husband is an unhappy angry person who needs the Lord. Things have been getting worse until I really felt I had no option but to leave. I was planning to move in the next couple of weeks.

He borrowed my car one day and the brakes failed. He ran the car into the side of the garage and front of the building. Then he backed it up to get it out of the front yard, right into his own car (it needed brakes).

The autobody shop was great. They drove the car in and out of the shop every day and there was no problem with the brakes. The owner took it for a test drive, and no problems. So, after a month, we picked up the car, returned the rental and drove it home. I drove it to and from work every day for a week. No problems.

The following Monday, we were to take the car in to have the Check Engine light checked. My husband was driving and the brakes failed again. We went over the side of the road and down a steep hill. This time the car was totaled because they had to cut the top off the car to get him out. After spending the day in the Emergency Room, we finally made it home.

Since then, my husband has been getting worse. He is diabetic and is not taking care of himself.

This week, while we are still working out car stuff, he didn't get his pills refilled. He didn't take them for a couple of days. As soon as I found out, I got them for him. This morning, he couldn't get out of bed. When he finally made it (I was already at work), he managed to get down the stairs and outside to get the newspaper. But he fell and couldn't get up. I had to come home from work (45 min drive). I called my daughter who was there in about 10 minutes. She got him up and into the house and into the bathroom. When I got there, that is where he was. Because he didn't get downstairs and into the house for hours, he missed taking his meds again. He refused to go to ER or to the Dr.

I finally got pills into him, his shot, some food and lots of fluids. He is really weak, he can hardly stand much less walk.

What is a wife supposed to do? I know about patience, I know about love, I know about long-suffering....But is life supposed to be watching a loved one destroy himself?

I took his testing materials to our pharmacy and had them show me how to work it. Then I went home and told him I was going to test his blood. He is at least being cooperative about that.

Oh I need the Lord's help. I am just out of me. Between work, cooking , cleaning and making sure my mom it doing ok, I don't know where I am anymore.

The man I married has a good heart. And he loves his family. And he would do anything for anyone he could. But something happened and that got lost.

I need prayer. I need help for me. And I so need Jesus to work a miracle in my husband.

[kathy]

Oh Carolyn, I hear the pain and frustration. I don't have an answer for you, but I will lift you and your husband up in prayer. Have you ever told him how much it hurts to see him in this condition? Try a sympathetic approach to his condition and ask if you can pray for him. If he agrees, pour your helplessness and his needs out to God. Men do not like to feel weak, if he realizes the hopelessness this position puts you in, he might be able to open up about his feelings to. Show him how you lean on the strength of Christ, it might open his eyes to his need for Christ in his life. You don't have to be a hero, let him know that without his cooperation, you cannot handle this. Let him help you make a list of priorities, so that he can see where he could help if he took better care of himself. I know a lot of diabetics that lead productive lives, if they act responsibly. I sure hope this helps.

Dear Lord, you see how your daughter Carolyn struggles. Give her the strength to move in a way that will bring you glory. She has more burdens than she can physically carry now, so hold her hand and be her strength. Help her understand what she needs to walk away from, and give her comfort as she trusts You to take care of the rest. This we pray in Your name, Amen.

[Carolyn]

Hi Kathy,
Thank you so much. I am really not doing well at all.

I had to call 911 about 3:30 this morning. He had managed to get up the stairs and into bed earlier but was up every couple of hours, calling me to come help him get back into bed. At 3:30 when he called, he had fallen on the floor and couldn't get up. I had no choice but to call for help. When the paramedics arrived, he was hardly making any sense and did not want to go to the hospital. They tested his blood and it was down to about 30. They had me get him a coke. Because he couldn't stand and he is so badly infected with all his sores, they convinced him to go to the ER. From there, he was admitted into the hospital. Most of his vital signs are back to pretty good, but he has kidney failure and still the mass of infection.

I went home to get some rest, but he called and asked why I abandoned him. He wanted his cell phone. I took them to him. When I got there he kept asking for his cane. I didn't bring that. He wanted it now, he was getting up out of the bed. He kept tossing his covers off and rolling over. Finally the nurse came in and said that he was trying that a lot. He just isn't making any sense. He wanted me to take him home. He kept telling me that he never wanted to go there. He complained about the nurses. He hadn't been fed since yesterday (he was only there a couple of hours). I do understand that his brain isn't working right, but he is so nasty with everyone. I finally left to come home to get some rest. - That is of course after I cleaned up the mess he left in the bathroom and bed.

It is hard to comfort someone who is angry. It is hard to encourage someone who blames you for what is happening. It is hard to even want to be around someone like that.

I am at least home now, sitting in my recliner with a cuddly kitty. I'm going to put on some praise music and focus on my Lord.

[kathy]

I wish i could be there and hold your hand through this. I do agree and understand that by far, his anger is the biggest obstacle. These circunstances would be trying even if he was willing to cooperate, but as long as he plays the angry victim, there is nothing you can do but pray and ask as may people to join you in prayer as possible. I encourage you to continue to take the time to focus on Christ, He is the only one to see you through this.
Your sister in Christ, Kathy

[Carolyn]

Thank you, Kathy
He has been moved to ICU. He has kidney failure and had his first dialysis yesterday. He is still very disoriented, but at least more cooperative. He keeps repeating the same things over and over again and it very insistant until he dozes off. But at least he was not so angry yesterday.

You're right. My focus needs to be on the Lord and give this all to Him. Words I needed to hear again.
Thanks,

[Sheri]

Hi, Carolyn,
I am so sad for you. It's so difficult to care for someone who is extremely ill, and try to keep up with life challenges as well. I'm glad so many people are praying for you.

I hope you will not feel bad about asking for nurses and home health care as well. If he works, his insurance may cover part of the cost for a nurse or aide to come in sometimes during the week to help with his care. I wouldn't try to carry that all by myself if I were you. I couldn't do it for my sister when she was so ill and her daughter couldn't either. Home care workers are trained to deal with difficult patients also, so you could even ask for advice as well as for help from them. Check around several places too because costs can vary greatly.

Remember to do some nurturing things for yourself also. I like to take hot showers and walk in pretty places. The praise songs, prayer, and Bible reading definitely help too.
Love, Sheri

[lisa saunders]

Hello Carolyn, I have not been on here for over a week, but I 'am still praying for you both. I have had the check engine light coming off and on my car for 2 weeks now. I know it is a way to get us to pay attention to our health, I have a weak right kidney. I also take care of a dialysis patient during the week for a friend who works. I help her to do all those things, cook, clean, drive him to doctors. She has the home health care aids come in, for bath, for physcial therapy; unfortunately medicare only covers about 16 visits. He has been back to hospital last week, for a fistula reinserted in his arm ( opening for blood to hook up to dialysis machine) I sat with him for 15 hours in hospital. I was thinking about my kidney and my car engine light, and drinking much more water. You must take care of your health, because you wont be able to help him or your mother, I dont know your finances but maybe you should hire a nursing student to help you out as long as you are going to have your own nursing home at home and still try to work. It is impossible to do all this work by your self. As long as he has to keep going back to the hospital for more than 16 hours, medicare considers it new case, so he gets the health aids back in. Its easier on me then, otherwise I have to bathe and work with him on walking along with cooking. I take his blood pressure and temp and give his meds. I am there 8 or more hours a day through the week, for about $250 wk. I know this is not half of what the professionals make, but she is my friend also. I think with the economny like this, you could find someone also. I know the SDA church has retreats on weekends, you are overdue for one. Dear Heavenly Father come be with Carolyn, as she seeks to do your will for herself and her family..Lord..send her someone she can trust, who will be her right hand. Heal their hearts Lord Jesus, because if You dwell there You will give them wings to rise up like eagles, to walk and not faint,to run and not fall. Father God, we know there will be trials and tribulation, but if we ask it be done in Your name, then You will do it. Please give Carolyn conformation and peace, so she knows You are there; guide and restore her so she can do Your will...in Jesus name ..Amen love ya sis

[Carolyn]

Thank you, Sheri and Lisa

As for finances, I have good insurance. His son and my daughter have already decided for me that I will not be caring for him all day. I need to work. Even though I work for the State and have really good benefits, I do need to get away and let someone else do things. He is covered under my insurance and Medicare.

As of yesterday, he had his second dialysis treatment and still no change. He is on a breathing mask now, and that has helped a lot. That is supposed to help him be able to flush things out of his body better, too. I met his ICU nurse and Dr. The Dr was very reassuring and asked a lot of questions. Evidently dh has been telling them things that are not true about his infections. I haven't been there when he was very coherent, so I don't know what he's been telling them. His nurse asked me a lot of detail questions about his habits, and I told her the truth. But while I was sharing, I could feel myself getting angry about it all. I watched them change his dressings. It is very painful and he was fighting with them, so they had to restrain him.

I'm supposed to go back to work today, my choice. But this morning, I threw up. I still have a couple of hours before I need to leave, so I'm going to lay in the recliner and see how I feel then. I'm sure it's just mental and physical exhaustion.

Thank you so much for your prayers. I know it's only by the Lord's strength I am surviving.

[kathy]

At least this cloud has a silver lining! What? you ask. Well, I am so thankful that you have insurance that covers the financial part. Being from Canada, we take it for granted that we have access to all these health care needs with no outstanding financial burden. I realize though that for you it could have been an extra burden, which you don't need at this time. May the care givers see the need to keep him hospitalized until he is at a point of being managable. Hope you had a better day. k

[Carolyn]

Thanks, Kathy.

I went to work all day today. I stopped in on the way home and he is doing better. He knew who I was, started complaining about the care the "people up the hill" gave him last week (he's always been in the same hospital) and I just tried to reassure him that I wanted him home. He was getting the dialysis treatment again and was handling it well. His infections look so much better. But he has a long way to go.

On the way home it hit me that this weekend is his payday. And that means pay bills - awww another new challenge for me. There is no way he will be home for a long time.

Yes, God is handling it much better than me. I just need to remember to keep out of His way, amen?

[lettheredeemedsayso]

Carolyn,

I will certainly pray for you. I know that Jesus changes hearts and lives. I pray that He will do a work in your husband's life and until he does that He will provide the strength needed for you to accomplish all of the demands on your life.

[Carolyn]

Thank you.

[Sheri]

Remember when you pay bills to prioritize - groceries, house, utilities, transportation, then everything else. Love, Sheri