My husband does'nt need sex anymore, but i do.Do I have to live without sex?

[Theresa B.]

After 11 years of marriage,these are some reasons why sex has changed for us.
My husband got uncomfortable when I was pregnant, started using porn.He has major intimacy problems,low self esteem,needs to be pursued but does'nt want to pursue.Over the years and struggles we have less and less sex,5 times a year, and i hear more reasons for the lack.He no longer wants to do things he says he enjoys sexually{oral sex}.I have eczema,never bothered him before but does now.He is tired,it's not the right time,.He has admitted that it could be a power thing that he holds over me.when he needs[not often] he uses porn,but says he'd rather be with me but it was'nt convienient. He says I am beautiful,and he does'nt deserve me.I feel like he might even be punishing himself,he's an all or nothing personality.He has had many verbally intimate relationships with women,most on line.Nothing sexual, but says it makes him feel good.These talks have mostly been with unattractive woman, who are damsels in distress. He can help everyone else, but not his own marriage. This is common to other areas of his life also.This marriage is always last.A turn of events has turned him back to God, he's says things will get better after some time.I'm seeing small changes,In Dec. he wanted a divorce and was very angry.Now he showing more interest in us.Does'nt want counceling [in which we've had so many over the years],but wants me to let God work with him.We are even back in church.I don't want to cause a setback, but I want to talk about this issue again.I'm so very tempted sexually and so lonely for sex with my husband again.PPlease, how do I talk to him?Do I leave it to prayer and say nothing?Keep me in prayer for the temptation I'm under,it's very difficult and I'm in so so much pain over this.

[David C]

There is most likely a more deeper issue here. Meaning he might be holding out on something he can't tell you. Guilt, is playing with him, and he is trying or at least tried to get rid of it by divorce. Be the strong one and ask him if there is more then just his porn issue that been going on. Being a man, and seeing that his sexual desire is there and not with you, to me it means he has placed it somewhere else. And that is what needs to be found out.

[Theresa B.]

David C.,
I really have taken what you've said to heart.I've entertained the thought many times,and have asked him.
If he has I believe he would take it to the grave.But I'd be shocked if it were someone else.Main reason being ,he was so straight forward when he said there was never any one else.When he lies he gets angry at me,and won't look at me.But,I also know how afraid he would be of losing me.He has said that he has guilt over the use of porn.I will have another talk addressing these possibilities.Again thank you for the take on this ,from a guys point of view.-Theresa

[David C]

Theresa B.,
There is a saying that where your heart is is where your energy is placed. Meaning, he is not guitly enough to stop porn, so that is where he places his energy. I had a friend that was into porn, would not stop, after 10years the wife divorce him. I met him 2 years after, because he was getting re-married, and he was still into porn. New wife knew about it,and felt it was a guy thing. So in short, some men know matter what will not stop, even if they lose a loving family.
David C.

[David Norman]

Hello Theresa,

I feel for your situation, Honey go have some sex, I mean a woman has her needs. You sound really neglected and really having to sacrifice and live in misery to do the right thing. Maybe it would be best to separate for a while and give yourself some time. I couldn't imagine sex just 5 times a year. I like it three times a day or twice a day at least. There comes a point in a relationship that you have to realize it's over and begin to move forward on your own.

later, david

[Michael]

David, I don't think lack of sex is grouds for separation and definitly not grounds for divorce.

[Theresa B.]

Thank you Michael,voices of reason like you are much needed in this world.- Theresa

[Theresa B.]

Hi David,
I'll give you this, you made me laugh. I'm just not much for caution to the wind,sometimes a stench comes back in the breeze.I was a cheater once in a past relationship.The short term does'nt pay off,it leaves you void.
But I agree somethings got to give.I need to handle this with a little more gumption, for change within my marriage.-Theresa

[David Norman]

Theresa,

After doing private investigation for five years, trust me, the long term ordeal your enduring doesn't pay off either. In the end one of you, will leave the other person, you will walk away from this whole ordeal confused and unfulfilled, this whole situation your in is un-fulfilling and draining no matter how you want to analyze it or justify it. I mean your making a conscious choice to live without sex, hows that working for you so far? Reading the comments from Mia I don't believe I've ever seen my wife as my mom once we were married, we normally have sex twice a day, sometimes once after lunch if we can. It's been that way for the past 8 years. I think alot of legalistic religious people want to demonize the who sex thing. I guess Theresa, you can just keep torturing yourself in repressed sexual drive and desire, and remain celibate the rest of your life, living in daily misery and unfufillment. It seems obvious your husband is acting selfishly in this marriage, I don't believe you entered this marriage so you could be someone's mother or be someone's live in therapist. From what you've said, this dude your married to is screwed up, he needs mental help. I mean it sounds like he's using your sexual needs to manipulate and control the marriage rather than fulfilling your dreams and desires. Wow, I mean I don't know about other guys on this site, but I wasn't looking for a mom to marry. I was looking for my soul mate. It certainly doesn't sound like your husband has your best interest at heart. What I have seen is that everyone of us has needs, each man and woman will search out means of emotional, mental and physical fulfillment one way or the other. Don't waste anymore of your precious life with this guy, there's someone out there that will fulfill you and bring you much happiness in your life. All the best to you in your future.

David

[Mia]

hi Theresa,

i understand your pain. i also have a husband who is lackadaisical about sex- it seems he can take it or leave it. i told him i'm tempted to go elsewhere tho have no desire. in fact other men repulse me but i love the closeness of making love- not so much the actual sex tho i enjoy it alot. he doesn't seem to care. just get all the help you can. go to more counseling if you can. you have a willing husband. mine won't go to counseling or church. he is a very good man so i stay because all else is very good and he's very good to me and i adore him. it's just the sex is so infrequent because he's 'tired'. it may be a control issue but in his case i thnk it's a shame issue connected with sex. -Mia

[Theresa B.]

Mia,
Thank you for your reply.I think your right about shame playing a part.We saw a sex counselor years ago and we were told that after marriage, there is a sense in which a man sees his wife as mom,and no longer the sexual person he courted.Especially after the first pregnancy.
I did get around to having another talk with him.He agreed that the infrequency is not normal, but also said that he is so tired by the end of the day .He admitted that he'll think about it then,but feels like doing nothing but winding down in front of tv. Again your input is appreciated.- Theresa

[C]

You're doing better than me at 5 times a year. We're down to 2 at best. My husband said the 40 pounds I've gained since we got married repulsed him and I was "too fat to @*$#" (YES he actually said that). Doesn't matter that he gained 60 lbs. I love him not how he looks. I lost the weight but think I subconsciously gained it back - he was only marginally more attentive sexually when I lost the weight...I just made better eye candy to show off to his friends. I can live without sex - have done it for years now. But I don't like it. He wonders why I'm sometimes distant or don't want to do anything with him...but trips to wal-mart or out to eat aren't my idea of a great time. I feel your pain Theresa....my husband too is lacking in self-esteem....doesn't matter that he is 6'2" and a very good looking man. I have no answers....I've all but given up hope....he won't even talk about it. Or if he does, he'll says "He'll work harder to be the husband God wants him to be." Which he does for 6 hours every night as he caresses the remote in front of the TV. Of course, he's not watching Christian programming, reading his Bible or communicating with me....nor will he go to the Men's groups at church...so what is he doing to "work harder" ....EMPTY WORDS....EMPTY ARMS.....EMPTY BED....EMPTY MARRIAGE.

[C]

Now that I've read this and posted a comment....I'm feeling VERY angry. So how is this helping - which is what I thought was the purpose of these pages???? My husband came into the computer room and I told him I was going to comment on this blog and he informed me "that's not funny!" and walked off. It's not funny...nor is it talked about...or Lord forbid, actually done in the bedroom, (or anywhere else). THIS IS AN ISSUE IN MY MARRIAGE - but listening to some guy brag about his prowess and frequency isn't helpful...in fact, if he's telling the truth, he may be addicted to sex - it goes both ways lover boy!

Now I'm going to go spend what my husband considers quality time with him - sitting in front of the TV in separate recliners numbing our brains w/o conversation or touching. So one would wonder why I'd want to be intimate with someone who doesn't want intimacy with me - in any form, wouldn't one..... I'm worse off than I thought. SO HOW DOES LOOKING AT THIS CHANGE A DARN THING??? IT DOESN'T.