Reconciliation of an abusive marriage post divorce

[Cara Clark]

Hello friends in Christ.

I am currently divorced with two young chidren. My ex husband was extremely abusive and up until very recently we had no contact for two years nor did he with the children. He has recently come back in our lives and is paying for half of my rent. He lives in the Las Vegas area while I live in Utah. However, he desperately wants to father his children on a daily basis and eventually reconcile our marriage. Personally, I never wanted a divorce but was forced by the state and other family members to sign the papers in order to keep my children in my custody. I still feel that we are married in God's eyes and my ex has really gotten himself together, he is sober and running triathalons frequently as well as working himself back into the legal community. He was a lawyer prior to a drug conviction. I have prayed and prayed for the Lord to show me the way He desires me to go. In God's eyes, are we divorced? Do I attempt to reconcile my marriage even though my family would perhaps disown me? My ex would really like for us to move closer to him as he has a steady job where he is at and he desperately wants to be a daily part of my children's lives.
Help,... I need prayer, and answers and any Christian advice I can receive on this matter.

God Bless

[Lew Marti]

Having been the husband in the same situation: (here is some advice)

#1 Make sure that you have self respect and make sure that your ex respects you = have some dignity, don't sleep with your ex. Make him be your friend first. God is a God of reconciliation, however you are not married.

#2 Listen to what God tells you to do regardless of friends and family.

my two cents...

[Cara Clark]

Wel ... too late on number one .. I have slept with my ex ( the last time we saw eachother) This broke my vow of celibacy which I had not broken for nearly a year.. A big step for me.

Secondly, I have had to learn the hard way that while they may all be good intentions friends and family are not the Lord and do not always have the capcity to be non-biased. However, I just keep hearing WAIT when it comes to speaking to the Lord. That I am doing but what if I am heaing the Lord incorrectly?

Thanks for your help it is very much appreciated.
Cara

[Lew Marti]

By the way... For clarification's sake. I wasn't abusive in the sense of hurting someone by force.. I meant only that I with held my affection because of some Trust issues with ex. Hopefully, God has shown you the way in which you should go.

[scott]

good morning Cara,

I know about divorce ..I was divorced and with three kids for two years.......but, i am remarried now...You said your ex husband was extremely abusive ? So He hit you ? has recently come back in our lives and is paying for half of my rent. what programs has he gone through? how do you know he has changes and will not abusive you again? you need to protect your kids from abusive...has he got counseling at all? you need to ahave a plan...He desperately wants to father his children on a daily basis and eventually reconcile our marriage. so you are at in your mind.. I never wanted a divorce but was forced by the state and other family members to sign the papers in order to keep my children in my custody.What has he done in his action to show what he is a changed man..... I still feel that we are married in God's eyes by the laws of the state you are not married....ok...so he has gotten himself together, he is sober and running triathalons frequently as well as working himself back into the legal community. How long has he been sober and was he in a reacovey 12 step program? Yes please pray ....So do you have good friend what do they tell you to do? i would go to a good counseler at Newlife and have them help you give you advice with this ...I hope that help. .God bless SCott.
Help,... I well keep praying for you...God Bless Scott

[Cara Clark]

Thanks Scott... I don't have any good friends really. I just moved to Richfield Utah and am involved in an Assembly of God church but noone has any advise. They simply say.. go to God. Yes, God does answer prayers and gives us direction for His will but I also believe that God has give members of the body of Christ the ability to discern and annointed wisdom to cousel others in need. There will never be a guarantee that my ex will never hit me again.. however,, if I listen to my Pastor he inidcates that I must believe that God can work a miracle. My ex has been through every possible recovery, 12 step and anger management program nearly available. He claims to have been sober now for 2.5 years and is in good shape with a less eogcentric attitude than ever before. However, my flesh, my mind tells me not to believe it. My spirit tells me that I must believe God, forgive and erase it. That my children deserve a father. Right now I am very confused, lonely, sad and quite honestly frustrated. I also suffer from Multiple Sclerosis which is untreatable at this point but the Lord is keeping it under control. However, as much as I pray for full healing He simply hasn't given it to me yet. I have no idea what to do, which voice is correct and how do I discern from that oif the Holy Spirit to that of Satan other than of course the HS is always in line with God's word, but Satan pulls many tricks as well. Thanks for your advice and congratulations on your remarriage! God Bless

[Da_Man]

Satan is the master of deception.
Is your husband saved now? Is he walking in the Light? I think that is a big step in any relationship to keep Christ in the middle. Your kids will pick up on this as well.
I think packing up and moving may be a mistake. I think you need to rekindle the relationship from a distance to make for sure you aren't stepping back into a bad situation.
Those are just my thoughts though.
GBU

[Clover1]

Hi, Scott; I like the advice you gave Cara. I'm new to this and would welcome information on how to locate a Newlife counselor in the state of Massachusetts. My husband is addicted to porn, phone sex, etc. He has acknowledged his problem, but it is difficult trying to locate a counselor for sexual addiction. I'd appreciate some direction if you could help me. Thank God the blood of the cross is covering my soul...........Clover

[kathy]

Dear Cara, I can relate to the struggle between the two options. There are times when I couldn't discern which way God would have me choose. One thing that you did not mention was whether your ex has a relationship with Christ. This could be the indication, if he is willing to build a new relationship with you on God's terms.If he is a christian and you remarry, yes you will have issues to work through, but your focus is Christ. However if he is not a Christian, the marriage would still be unequally yoked. My advice is to grow together spiritually as fellow believers before jumping into marriage. God bless you in your search for God's will for you and your children. Whichever way you decide to go, do not stand in the way of your children having a relationship with him unless he is a threat to them.

[Jeff W[ho Me?]]

I agree with Lew. He kind of has to earn his way back into your life, but by his actions, not at all by his words. Over a good ling time since he was "extremely abusive". That kind of behavior doesn't go away because he's running races. So, ask him what he's done to address that so you and your children are safe. Like counseling, recovery groups, anger management. If he kind of looks blankly back at you without any answers, then you have your answer. He's not made himself safe for you yet. Watch him for an extended period, see what he does with his anger.

There is another issue here. You lived through extreme abuse. That had to be awful and horrible on you and your kids. Have you thought of getting help for yourself? If you knew he was abusive before and during your marriage, your people picker could be broken. Friends, celebrate recovery, and abuse groups might be a good thing. Safe People by Henry Cloud could be helpful as well.

As far as the divorce and so on, if you guys get back together at some point, then the divorce is moot. If he starts beating on you, it's time to separate again, divorced or not.

[Cara Clark]

This is excellent advise and the Good Lord has shown me my answer. He came to visit us over last weekend and it went very very well. However, when he returned home he was extrememly depressed and controlling. I have an extremely rare disease which could qualify me for a bone marrow transplant clinical trial.. very scary but very worth it if it works. I mentioned this to him and his reply was that it would interfere with his plans for moving the children and I to the area closwer to him and that he did not want to discuss my health. Well.... thank you Lord because he has not changed one bit. These comments gave me the insight to understand thatt my ex is only interested in himself and his conveniences. Not what is best and he is totally incapable of problem solving as a family.

So I am mourning, but rejoicing at the same time. I do love him, I always will but we will never be together because he does not really love me. Yes, it hurts but better now than later.

As fo rme I have been trhough a ton of therapy and I still suffer from PTSD but the best cure is the Lord. My ,little family is doing well with a little bit of heartache but God will get us through soon. Thanks for your post and sincere advice.

[Carolyn]

Hi Cara,
I am so glad you got the answers before any commitment was made.
Saying a prayer for you and your kids.

[Kris]

Wow, Cara, I feel for you for all that you are dealing with. I also was wondering if you were in any recovery or support type groups. Your ex is not the only one that needs that. Being in Celebrate Recovery, as mentioned earlier, or some other 12-step type group would be tremendously helpful for YOU to get healing and grow stronger. I'm glad you are in therapy, but adding a group dynamic is really an amazing thing. I really believe God has spoken to me through the people in my groups. Also, that is a way to find and build new friendships!
Take care and God bless you!
Kris