THE GOD ENVY DISORDER

[David Norman]

Is there anyone out there that was raised by overly controlling narcissistic parents? They just always had to have it their way? I see the way I was raised as being confined to a POW camp, now at 34 I am trying to unravel the damage and the over bearing sense of responsibility that was placed on me at a very young age for being responsible in life for things no human is responsible for in another human's life. I truly believe my parents wanted God powers in my life, for years I viewed my parents like God himself, they were perfect and I was flawed, I was conditioned to think my parents were human but were like God perfect. Me and my dad never discussed any topics of life outside the boundaries of food and work. I also, find it strange how we as humans try to re-create in adult hood the very atmosphere we were familiar with in childhood as our own environment as adults. It's like just going through the same cycle all over again, why? Because humans are animals of habit. Breaking habits of thought seem to be the hardest, and habits of perspective. Here's a question for you, how does one change his or her perspective? Anyways, I love all of you and hope to get some good feedback, no superficial religious jargon is required.

David

[Sheri]

It helps to remember that the situations in the past are gone and we can't change them. We can let them go a little at a time. It helps to write down the habits and thoughts we want to change and make a plan to change them, then to take small steps in the direction we want to go. It also helps us to keep track or our progress. Love, Sheri

[Jeff W[ho Me?]]

Pray more, try harder is how New Life sometimes refers to the religious jargon (or the idea that it's just you and God and that's all you need to overcome any hurt, you apparently just aren't trying or praying enough). I refer to it as wallpapering your problems with Christian-ese. That's the fastest way to get under my skin.

Your comment about your dad never talking about life issues reminded me the one time he praised me, he was tipsy. At first I was thrilled and surprised to have him offer any sort of praise and encouragement. Then I got angry because he had to get drunk to do so. Now, I think I've been viewing it as sad that it took him getting tipsy to be able to let his true feelings out. And now I find myself having similar behaviors as my dad. Gasp!

I can relate to your comment about your parents and your view of God being skewed. I saw God as being overly controlling and demanding (mom) at the same time being distant and unloving (dad). I started working through a path towards forgiving them both in the Celebrate Recovery group I attend (at it's core, the 12 steps of recovery get into forgiving others for what they did to us and making amends to others for the harm we have done). When I forgave my mom (at least some what), besides crying over what happened, there was a sense and realization that God was not at all like my parents. For the first time I was able to separate them in my head because I started letting my anger and resentments go (via forgiveness).

I like the way Dr. Dave Stoop put it (quoting another author): "on the day I forgave my father, my life began". He was indicating that he had to work through the anger and sadness he had toward his dad who was a angry raging parent. When he did, he was able to see God for who He really is (loving, compassionate, caring deeply for him) instead of being very similar to his dad (angry, a day late and a dollar short). He wrote the books "Forgiving the unforgivable" and another called "Making Peace with your Father". Townsend/Cloud wrote a book "The Mom Factor".

I hope you get connected in a face to face relationships with other men so you can learn not everyone is like your parents. I also even more so hope you can learn to forgive them. Ironically, its helping me see my parents as hurt people who had it tough growing up and they passed on what they learned.

[David Norman]

Thanks Jeff for your post, I am realizing God isn't anything like my parents, and the way I was raised wasn't right, but acceptance and gratitude is were I can really find peace with the past. The house rules described in Susan Forwards book, TOXIC PARENTS really describes what went on growing up, right now in my life however, I try to wake up and learn from each person who comes in my life and value their opinion and see the healing quality that humans can have rather than the damaging and hurtful qualities. Growing up I had to create this false self in order to appease momma and her pychotic behavior, now in life I am trying to find my true self. God is good, I am largely stuck in the past. I have worked through alot of the anger and sadness and like you sad they pass on what they learned. Both my parents parents were alcoholic and really I see both my parents as being adult children so desperately wanting their own parents love, they really did their best given what they experienced in their childhoods. Even yesterday riding to school, God reminded me all I can really do is be greatful for what was given to me, and leave it at that. It could have been worse alot worse, it could have been better alot better, but accepting it for the way it was totally can really set me free. You mentioned separating your parents behavior from God, and who God is, I really believe that's where im at in life. God is helping me work through the tainted view of Him, helping me through the love and support of others to let go of so much anger and resentment and disappointment, I have to greave the loss of my childhood, rather than keep searching for the filling of that empty void my mother created in my soul. I think Jeff, so much of my time in life has been wasted searching for that loving, accepting, safe mother's love I never recieved growing up, and now trying to work through the violence, anger, and pure hatred portrayed on me by my mother. I have a huge fear of being abandoned, that's why I've never broken up with one girlfriend, because the pain of feeling abandoned out weighs the dysfunction of any relationship. I felt abandoned by my mom when I was about 8 years old, she wanted another child, someone other than who I was, she wanted this kid, which I had to pretend and act like to appease her pychotic mind, other wise im for sure she would have killed me. As a child you never even consider your own parent as being a threat and you never realize just how a parent can hurt you, your vulnerable and have no defenses against them. I've done alot of crying as you've mentioned, my mother stopped lashing out in violence against me when she realized I was big enough to strike back with force. My girlfriend says, I've been raised in an environment of hatred, but I thank God for her and her support and love and I thank God for her mom who truly loves me so so much. I think God has helped change my perspective of my mom, she's just a little girl in a woman's body who is hurting and needed the love of her father, that's all, however, the day of my being sympathetic are done, what matters now is how I feel, not her feelings, the defined roles she established for me early in life I have no interest whatsoever playing anymore. I can't fix her, and she shouldn't have used me like she did growing up, but I can't change that either. Till this day she's in denial of her abuse, I've told her how she made me feel as a young boy and what it did to me, and I've told her what I want from her now, but every time she talks over me, so I really have no desire to speak with her anymore, she want listen to me. Jeff if I'd had the ability at 8 years old I would have run away from home and never come back, my mother's a piece of shizzzzz, she is a self-righteous witch as far as im concerned who gives a shizzzz about no one but herself, however, all women are not like her, I've realized this through this site and through other women God has placed in my life. If you ask me what I want in life, its a loving mother who would just love and accept me and protect me, that's all, why is that so difficult? Someone I can cry to when im hurting, someone I can reflect my emotions and feelings off of, for some reason God didn't have that in my plan of life, and it hurts so deeply. The best way I can describe my childhood with mom, was like living and being raised in a POW camp where you are conditioned to be reactionary to the guards, my mom was one of the guards and at any minute violence could rain down on you for no reason. I hope that makes sense, that kind of environment manipulates your nerves, your thinking, and your behavior.

The void and emptiness it creates in one's soul, God knows me and He knows my heart. I think till this day Jeff, alot of my behavior is still driven under the enornious fear I have of my mother. Talking about it, and writing about it just seems to ease the pain just a little bit, I use to drink alot to ease the pain, but that stopped working, so I pray and I talk and write. The rest is in God's hands it's easy for me to sink into self pity and all the bull shizzz that translates into apathy and laziness. Thanks so much for your post and I am hopefully getting a group started here in the big island associated with the samsons society group.

Love you all, keep smiling even when it hurts, lol.

David