Trying to cope in a sexless marriage

[db2009]

I came to this forum after listening to the radio program for several weeks. I'd just like an idea on how to cope. Here's my situation (as briefly as I can describe it)

We've been married ten years and have a 7yr old daughter. We are both 39. My wife has suffered two devastating miscarriages (the last one was 4 years ago). We have had sex appx 5 times in the past two years. She claims that one of the reasons is because she is not attracted to me because of my weight (5'9 - 215 - size 36-38 pants). She also claims that she just doesn't feel sexual feelings at all (not just because of me). I feel horribly rejected and I harbor a great deal of resentment - but I continually try to please her. I've learned that I am someone who desires a lot of approval.

She is also very critical in nature (stemming from having a very critical father). We've tried counseling - she's been diagnosed and prescribed medicine for ADD, generalized anxiety disorder and depression. I've been diagnosed with poor esteem but nothing more clinical to be medicated. She gets critical of me lack of aggression and esteem (I believe a lot of it stems from my feelings of rejection)

I will not leave her, nor cheat - I don't believe in it. At times I have strong sexual desires and it drives me further into an awful mood.

I'm starting to feel very hopeless - I'm not sure if she's capable of loving me, or if I'd be capable of receiving her love (without some physical affection)

Any advice - sorry if that rambled - I tried to include the basics. I just want to get positive.

[Dayle]

Hi db2009...

How long has your wife been on medication? Anti-depressants often have side effects, including diminished sex drive. You could research the side effects of her meds on the Internet. ~Are you both in counseling now? It sounds as though your wife may need ongoing counseling...and you would benefit from individual counseling as well.

Could your wife still be greiving the loss of the babies? She may be stuck in that place.

We all need validation and want to feel significant, esp. to those we love. Your wife may not be capable right now but it is wonderful that you are so committed to her, and still try to please her. Don't lose heart! Pray for her and love her continuously. Sometimes when we are hurting deeply we push people away and get defensive...keep that in mind.

Is your wife a Christian? Do you have a Pastor you could talk with?

Are you having issues of being "needy" on a regular basis? Sometimes we appear that way when we lack self-esteem or are passive about life. She may be wanting you to be strong...to make her feel safe, secure and loved. Depression drains our energy and the last thing a depressed person needs is more weight on her shoulders.

Have you sincerely asked her what you could do to help her feel better...not during a tense time but during a time when you both are relaxed. It's important to let her know how much you care about the relationship and that you truly want to work through it.

I would first take a look at the meds...if you think that could be contributing to the problem, the doctor can explore other alternatives. Is she depressed still, even after being on meds?

I must say that it is refreshing to see a that you are so committed to your wife despite your needs not being met for so long. ~We have a great God...nothing is hopeless or impossible when you stay centered with Him. Jesus is our example on which to focus as your model for endurance. Whenever you feel tempted to give up, think of Jesus on the Cross. Endurance honors God and His plan for you. He hears our prayers! I am praying for you and your marriage...

grace and peace to you...dayle

[DB]

A marriage void of intimacy can be very lonely. (A marriage that is unhealthy and sexually active can be just as lonely, too)... There are so many things that affect a woman's libido...including all of the things you mentioned - depression, grief, anxiety, mental distraction (like from being a parent).
I'm going to throw out a whole bunch of stuff for you to consider... perhaps you'll find a fresh idea somewhere...
Do you feel your discussions about your intimacy have been completely open and honest and heart to heart? Were you both on the same page with your intimate life before you had children? Chances are they may not have been and that is a root to the present problem...differing views of intimacy. There is also frequently a change in intimacy needs after children. For instance, I had breast fed and although I had always been a huggy affectionate person, I had sensory overload of sorts with the physical demands of the children. I needed some "me" time before I could give any more to my husband.
This was a biggy for me: everytime my husband would talk to me about the lack of sex after we had kids, it was always about the lack of sex... not about what we were doing given the demands of parenthood. I felt it was all about "his needs" and he didn't regard where I was at...it came across that I was the problem... of course that put me off all the more.
Are you speaking her love language to her? (See the book "Five Languages of Love" - or something like that...I forgot the author... Eldridge perhaps). Are you still telling her you love her?
Our moods affect eachother greatly... her moods will affect yours and vice versa... and if 2 people are down all the time, how difficult it is for either of them to be "up"
She may be having a very bad time with all those "diagnosis" labels... there are a lot of bad counselors so quick to put a diagnosis on people without treating the heart of the person... (I did not handle my diagnosis of depression very well at all... a good Christian book for her is "Why am I Crying" - I forgot the author (Mary or Martha something.. that helped me realize I was not a bad Christian for having depression... It was so important for me to realize that... a lot of Christian counseling is off base on this, too....
I'm sorry to bring this up, but consider... is she having an affair?
She may be insulting you and your weight because she's the one hurting (or she may be very honest about it)... when my husband had a weight problem, sex was very uncomfortable for me in some positions.
Be sure to be taking care of yourself... do you have a weight issue because you are not taking care of yourself and eating for the wrong reasons?
Can you suggest that you both work together on being healthy and happier again? Walk together (the exercise will helpp her tremendously)
Acknowledge that circumstances can create situations which are difficult, but they can also be improved.
Lovingly talk to her to see if she wants things to improve, too, and brainstorm ways you can edify one another.
Do a bible study together that is uplifting for both of your spirits. (That is one thing that has made a difference for my H and I)... (Of course, be sure it is a healthy resource...not one that will dampen spirits I have a good churc, but I also like turning point ministries you can get on-line.
Is there a Christian couple that could mentor you? Have you done anything to romance her?
Express your concern and caring that you want happiness for both of you and for your daughter, too.
Hang in there... yours is not a situation that is unusual for marriages...
Our marriages are one of the key targets that Satan has, isn't it...

[Brenda]

I know this is going to seem strange...but....it's not about you. It's not about your weight. It's not about you being unattractive or not good enough. I am sure that you are wonderfully made and that God doesn't make mistakes.

This issue is about your wife's conditions and her abusive upbringing. She desperately needs help. Trying to cope in a sexless marriage is not helpful for her or you. You will need seperate counseling for your poor esteem and feelings of rejection. Is there a pastor or biblical counselor you can meet with. These issues need to be dealt with together, but seperately. What I mean is your issues may need to take a back seat while you help your wife find the help and support she needs. I use to view sex as a torturous, unloving act. Because of my abusive past and promiscuity before I met my husband. All that baggage from my past transfered over into my marriage. Upon seeking and coming to know God, I bagan to realize that sex was created as a beautiful thing, but I didn't view it as such. Think about it...if everytime you picked a beautiful flower, you got stung by a bee...pretty soon you may not like flowers much and you may not want to pick one again. The good news is that God can heal your wife's heart and teach her what love is really about. You, as her husband, are in the best position for God to use to help her heal. Somethings only God can do, but she needs to get to a place where she feels safe enough to risk picking a flower again. The more she picks flowers without getting stung, the more healing and intimacy can be established. Please pray and seek God. He knows the best path for you to take.

Hope this helps db. You are not alone. : )

[Elaine Pennels]

Pray for God's guidance through this situation. He will be with you both and with your precious little daughter. How is this affecting her? I will pray for all of you.

[Scott]

A couple of thoughts, and I'm not saying this is absolute because I'm certainly not an expert!

"lack of aggression and esteem" -- Believe it or not, I think that most wives look to the husband to provide leadership in their marriage, not dictatorship, but want their husbands to be leaders with of course their valued input. I know this to be true in my own marriage, and it's one of the many missteps I'm trying to correct. Don't be afraid to make decisions; instead of going back and forth on things like where to eat out for example, decide.. Weight issues are easy... get out and exercise and you will feel better about yourself in the process.

"I've learned that I am someone who desires a lot of approval" -- That sounds familiar... I had an "interesting" childhood that kind of left me in the same boat, which resulted in many selfish actions that I am also addressing. Its taken me a long time to realize that marriage is not about me, it's about serving others, namely your wife and your family. Show your support to them, service them, as Steve Arterburn says in his book, serve her essence as it is the most precious thing you could ever be entrusted with, and your needs will be met. I truly believe that now. As for your approval/esteem issues, nobody can make you feel happy till you feel happy about yourself. Self-criticism is perhaps the hardest issue to face, but I think that if we can put ourselves aside and focus on those close to us, our issues will be addressed. And this is where the resentment comes from as well.... it's not easy but keep in mind that your wife is going through a rough process and approach it from that thought. I built up lots of resentment in my marriage because I thought selfishly, not selflessly....

As for your wife's personal issues, it sounds as though she has lots of guilt related to the miscarriages still to work out. My wife and I went through one, and you never fully realize the trauma of a miscarriage until you experience one - everyone has this mentality that hey, just get pregnant again, but as I said, they don't understand. Hopefully she is in therapy for her issues, as it sounds as though she really is in pain and would benefit from it.

[David Norman]

well a man has his needs, there's no good reason for her to hold out, she could be with someone else, anyways, man if your going to have to live celibate whats the point in marriage?

[Scott]

"a man has his needs, there's no good reason for her to hold out.."

With all due respect, that's the dumbest, most selfish thing I ever heard.... there's just a tiny bit more to being married than just sex, and in fact it's what makes marriage so rewarding and wonderful.

[db2009]

I really appreciate the support and guidance offered through your comments. Thank you.

I felt better, just by getting my problem out here. I've read a lot of material on this subject and there have been a few common threads on how to "fix" things.

One of my issues is that my expectations are probably too high. I still hold on to an expectation that we'll have a perfect marriage - filled with love, support, sex and friendship. This is too much to expect, but I don't want to or know how to lower the expectations.

I'm committed to supporting her and the marriage - but I've been wondering (selfishly) "what's in it for me?" - I honestly can't imagine her being able to give me anything. It sounds horrible and I'd like to overcome this - but I'm struggling.

I've read multiple places that I need to woo and cherish her. At this point - I just don't feel like it. As soon as she starts to speak, I hear criticism and negativity. Even when she isn't necessarily being negative or critical.

I can't get motivated to work out - because it feels like I'm giving in to her by doing so. (I know this is also wrong - and I'm using this resentment as an excuse - its just strong)

Are there any books/resources out there to help me foster a cherishing outlook towards her.

Thanks again

[Scott]

Try "Every Man's Marriage" by Steve Arterburn. I am also in the process of reading "The Marriage Benefit" by Mark O'Connell, and it seems a very good book. Above all, try to put away the resentment and anger... it's hard I know particularly when you're getting ignored, but it's a necessary process.

[Andy]

Your love is wonderful and everything you've done to preserve your relationship but I think it is time to analyze your relationship if they have already received all the professional help as possible in all aspects and that situation has not been passed, perhaps it Although the time if you really love still exists on both sides, sometimes human beings we find it painful to recognize certain situations, that we refuse to acknowledge that we failed at something in life, but nothing in this life can be considered a failure, any associated learning and life experience, perhaps the time has come to open up new possibilities, new realities, and why not? new love?, life is too short we need to make the most, lucky!

Women Smoking Cigarettes

[David Norman]

Have you considered plural marriage?

[db2009]

what is plural marriage?