Wife refuses to break off emotional affair

[Keith North]

Hello all, my marriage is in crisis and I don't know what to do next. It's a long story but I'll try to be brief. Been married for 13.5 years, been together/dating for over 20. We met when we were both 14, dated all through high school and college, and got married in 1995. 3 kids ages 10, 7, and 4.

The current crisis is that my wife was unfaithful and refuses to break off the emotional relationship with this person. I do not believe they are physical right now, but they were in the past a couple of times. last time was approx 6 months ago but I can't be sure. don't know if I can trust anything she tells me these days. She is in contact with him everyday by phone and/or text messaging.

Against my better judgment, but to try and save my marriage, we are planning on separating. not legally but having sep apartments about 5 miles apart. moving to a new city, she has a new job there.

I cant lay all the blame at her feet. I know that what led to the affair was my being gone all the time for work (travel mon-thur), being emotionally unavailable, being demanding, disrespectful, etc, etc. All the things that guys typically are, I was in spades. I say was because in the past 3 months God has really worked a miracle in my life. I have worked through "Every Man's Battle" and am doing very well with my sexual purity issues thanks to Him. My problems in that area contributed a lot to our current situation even though she had no idea i was struggling with it. God has also pointed me to resources that made me realize how i was treating her and how I was not loving her as He requires. My wife and I haven't had sex in 3 months, and it's the farthest thing from my mind right now which is a surprise because I have always had a very high sex drive. It's like God turned off a switch inside me somewhere. I know that He's not done with me yet but I'm doing my best to learn what a husband is supposed to be and how a husband is supposed to treat his wife. It'll take years but I'm committed taking a stand for my marriage no matter what and trusting that God will work things out for His glory.

My biggest concern right now is what to do about her and the other person. I know that if we are going to have any hope of rebuilding our marriage she must end this relationship with him, but she is very reluctant to do so. Says they are "just friends now" and "just talking". Whle that may be true, I know that it's damaging to us. The day she told me she had an affair, we decided to try and work on our problems and stay together. i have forgiven her for what she did, and continue to forgive her daily even though she doesn't ask. For the 6 weeks after that day, we had a wonderful time. it was like we were newlyweds. i quit my traveling job and took a local job making less money so i could be home. She took a fulltime job to help make up the diff in money. We paid off all our debt and now thanks to God finances are not a part of our problem. We dated, talked, held each other, dreamed and just had a wonderful time. i thought we were going to make it but when i started my new job and couldn't be home 24/7 she said it felt like a wall went up. I honestly do not know if I put up a wall or not, but if I did it wasn't intentional.

I found out later that she started talking to him again after about the 4th week. Which is about the time I went to work at my new job. When I found out, I gve her a choice. either break it off or I was moving out. She promised to break it off and I stayed. A couple weeks ago I found out she's still talking to him. It's like she's addicted. i know that she is getting her need for emotional closeness filled by her relationship with him, but we cannot rebuild while he's still in the picture and I don't know what to do. I want to protect my kids, preserve our family and raise them in a Godly home, but she's honestly acting like she's possessed. I know that she has a depraved mind right now and Satan is blinding her to reality, she's enjoying the pleasures of sins for her season, and I've talked to her openly and honestly about what she's doing, how it makes me feel, and how damaging it is to our relationship and the prospects for the future.

My wife was also sexually abused as a child and she's never dealt with that issue. It wasn't dealt with at the time, just swept under the rug. Was a family member, cousin or uncle, i can't remember. We never talked much about it. i'm sure that contributed to where we are now as well and how she feels about sex with me. She says her feeling for me are dead, but her actions say something else. she gets defensive if i bring up this other person which lets me know she feels guilty. she's told me she knows what she's doing is wrong but can't help herself. The one night i did leave and go stay away from home, she said she was happy at first because she needs space too, but she was restless the whole night and couldn't sleep at all. That's the only thing she's been consistant on, that she needs space and time to sort through her emotions. i can understand that, and can give her time and space, but with this other person still involved i feel like I'm enabling her. I may need space myslef, and I know God needs time to continue His work in me.

so I have a few days to figure out how to handle this. She's out of town at training for her new job and will be back Friday night. i know she's still talking to ths guy and is probably going to have dinner with him one night. I don want to confront her again because everytime I do it makes her feel pressured to make a decision, backed into a corner and wants to run. Im afraid if i push her she'll file papers and i don't want to do that. but I'm also afraid that if i don't do something she'll just continue in the current state. God has given me some peace and the comfort that passes all understanding, there's no way I cold be this calm without Him. I'm limiting my contact with her to necessity only while she's gone and not initiating any contact with her myself, just responding to her and trying to keep the discussion light.

i gave the a copy of Every Woman's Battle Monday morning before she left. She said her initial reaction was to burn it or throw it in the trash, but she put it in her suitcase and carried it with her instead. I also gave her a copy of Every heart Restored, which she read, after i finished every Man's Battle. She said it helped. We've also both read I Do, Again, which gave me great hope but i don't know if it did anything for her. She's not open to councel\ling of any type or us doing anything to start rebuilding. She's stuck.

Yes, we are both saved. Relatively new Christians, about 3 years. i was raised in church but realized I was a false convert about 3 years ago after her father died. God has been taking me through my walk daily, and I am growing stronger and growing in holiness. I have to believe this latest crisis is the enemy working against us, wanting us to fail. Yesterday I got down on my knees at work and cried my heart out to Him, turned this entire situation over to Him and now i am waiting to let Him work. i just don't know if He wants me to do something or back off and do nothing. i don't' know if i should confront her again about the affair, give her an ultimatum, or let it play through. I've got a few days to pray and study my Bible, maybe God will reveal to me what i should do. my instincts are to confront the guy and scare him off, which i know i could do. but that would make my wife resent me and probably cause her to give up all hope. My instincts are also to confront her and tell her if she doesn't stop we have no chance, but that will also cause her to feel pressured and give up hope.

Please pray for us, and that God will show me what to do. i see signs that she hasn't given up completely, little things she says that give me hope. like Sunday morning she told me that once we get moved into our sep places i might want to ask her out on a date. i don't know what to do with that except take it that she still has something somewhere that is making her not give up completely. i hope it's God.

any advice will be prayerfully considered.

[Danny]

Keith:

My heart goes out to you. I feel that a Marriage has to always be guarded and protected against OSF'S. That means Opposite Sex Friends. What needs to happen is hard work with a Marriage Therapist. I know you stated she may not be willing and she has a scarred past in regards to sexual abuse.

Give her one more opportunity to admit the need for personal and marital help! New Life Ministries can help as far as Counseling or as far as The New Life Weekend. For all of us the hardest place to be is in front of the mirror and see how our reflection corresponds with Christ. I commend you for your efforts and your openness with your wife.

There is no script for this stuff or fancy words to rectify this situation. There is a lot of pain and a lot at stake and I will remember you in Prayer. The Battlefield for you and your wife is beyond sexual integerity and is on the Battlefield of broken Trust.

Pray and talk again. If she is still unwilling; then perhaps get help yourself and be sure you have a network of Support around you (Good Godly Guy Friends).

Blessings!

Danny

[giveaccount]

Hi Keith, I have been where you wife is right now. I began to talk to a guy and at first it was just talking but now with emails work phones and cell phones guys that have diffrent intentions can persue you through many ways. At first it is flatering but then you realize you are stuck and can't find a way out. I was attending church also and I knew that talking to this guy made me feel guilty. It had nothing to do with my husband. But what I did began to realize was that this guy wanted more than a friendship. He did not go to church and we were coworkers at a secular radio sation we had both moved on to diffrent jobs but he was single. His loneleyness lead him to continue to persue me. We were on a never ending roller coaster. I would tell him not to call or contact me because I felt that me talking to him was drawing me farther from my husband it was hardening my heart. I know that your wife must feel the guilt and shame not to mention the loving grace you are showing her. How can she continue feeling good about what she is doing? Only due to her heart hardening. I don't know why she wants time. She really needs to break ties with this guy. I know and understand that you are facing up to some of the neglect on your part and that should assure her that you are going to make changes in those areas. Prayer is very important and has great power. I don't know how but I broke ties with this guy. I told him that I could no longer keep contact with him. I know that God moved in me and rescued me from this. I think it is a good idea to talk to this guy. I would not go down and beat him up but I would explain to him that you love your wife and that him contacting her is affecting your marriage. Explain to him that there is a family involved and that you want to be a good husband and a loving father. Ask him to stop answering her calls and sending her text. She really needs him to stop because she says she can't help herself. She may be co-dependant and is addicted to the person. Just like people become addicted to smoking drinking or drugs people can become addicted to people. For me I found in this person some one who appreciated me who listened to me and who had similar intrest and was really smart. I was also emotional disconnected from my husband because he had been sick for a while and had 5 surgeries it was hard to see him go through all of this. I gues in some way this was a double life I lead. I felt that if my husband were to pass on and leave me there would be some one waiting for me. I guess it was a sense of security against lonelyness. I also feel that it was selfcenteredness in my part. There are so many reasons that we do dumb things. I have repented from this and am more aware of this being a weakness for me and I have learned that I need to set boundries in my life. You may want to go online to hope for the heart and listen to some programs on codependancy and maybe give a copy to her. I have found that I am codependant and look to help others in need and then go to and extreme to help them and become emotionaly attached to them. I now by the grace of God have learned to set limits in my relationships and yes it does affect your marriage if this guy is involved meeting her emotional needs. As soon as this stops she will feel a need to connect with you emotionaly . I will keep your marriage in prayer. Dear Heavenly Father I come to you in prayer for Keith and his wife and kids. Lord I know what it is like to be stuck in an codependant relationship only you can cut the ties and help her get the help she needs for her and her family. Lord she needs healing for the broken areas of her life she needs to face her past and heal from it I pray that you will help her with this so that she can grow and be the wife you have called her to be. Lord I pray for Keith that he would have love and gracy for his wife as she goes through a transformation she will be made new Lord she will come to you in repentance and become a new person she needs you Lord only you can step in and remove the chains of bondage. Lord bring conviction to her heart. I pray that you will heal Keith and restore their marriage and heal the children it can be damaging and hurtful for them. I pray all this in Jesus Name amen.

[Skender Hoti]

My advice is convice her in to go together in Mission Trip come in Kosova, you are welcome it will change both of your lifes for ever

[Skender Hoti]

Dear brother Keith
I gave a comment yesterday in hurry up the best way to end this is to turn to the Father God and also it will be very much important for you two to separate some time together let's say a month and go in the mission field somewhere where there is oportunity to help people together, pray for them, and also have time o reliationship with your wife.
Respectfully
Pastor Skender Hoti
Kosova

[Visi]

Greetings my friend...
First and foremost, thank you for reaching out.
If you are a new member here.... welcome.
Congrats on your continued success in the battle. I am sure it makes you proud to see how far you have come.
Please know that I read your post, but will again to ensure I have gotten the entire picture. That being said.. I am likely to post something later.
I would recommend that you both get some counselling.. there is a wonderful network available through this site (1-800-New Life). Both Individual and Marriage Counselling are be of the utmost importance. I would also recommend "Every Man's Marriage" and "Every Woman's Marriage" to help you better understand where each other is coming from. You will also need to begin to build a relationship in which she can get emotional support from you, counseling and the book will help here. As the two of you find healing... and begin to communicate better, I would recommend "Love Dare" as well.
I wish the two of you much success as you learn to lean on each other.
I will keep you both in my prayers.
God Bless and Keep you!!!!
Visi

[Criss]

Keith,

As a man who has walked a road very similar to yours please let me try to offer you some advice. I am not gonna waste your time and go into the particulars of my story none other than share with you what I have learned from my journey. It sounds as you are torn in what to do and you want to save the marriage and your family. You want to give her space so that perhaps she might realize her need for you but at the same time you don't want to enable the affair.

Let me say this just in case you haven't heard it already. NOTHING you have done gives her the right to wonder outside the confines of your marriage to someone else. It is very important you understand and believe that. Like you I fell short in many ways in my duties as a husband and in the beginning felt partially responsible for the affair. Yes we might have some of the responsibility for a crummy marriage but that is not a validation for a affair or adultery. In your vows you said for better and for worse, but it's usually when the worse comes people have a hard time holding on and sticking with it. You are responsible for your contributions and she is responsible for her's to the state of the marriage.

The first thing you need to do is pray and ask God if there are any changes that you need to make in your own life, anything you need to give up so that you can start the slate clean. This even includes your job. This might mean anything you need to confess that Satan can use as a wedge between you. The only way you can start over is to vow absolute and complete honesty. You'll be surprise how much that can weaken Satan's power in your marriage.

As far as her other relationship goes she has to make a choice. Him or you. There is no such thing as " just friends" after she has admitted to the relationship with him. If a "friend" relationship is still ongoing I can almost assure you the full blown affair emotional and physical is still ongoing as well. She still has a emotional addiction to the guy and he as well to her. The physical side of it is only a couple of feet behind the emotional. You mentioned her going on a training trip for her job. Honestly when you said that it gave me chills due to that very same thing happening in my instance. You even said they might have had dinner together. Brother if he was there they were together. What your going to have to do is stop thinking you have sole control over what decision she makes. You can't be worried whether if what you do is going to scare her off. I'm sorry friend but you don't deserve a wife that is having a relationship with another man, not even for one second. I don't know how your doing it. Right now you are in survival mode and trying to protect the family, your taking the blame for what happened. Your doing that because it makes what she has done easier to swallow. That is what you were calling the honeymoon stage again. I went through the exact same phase. What you can't see now is the deep emotional pain and heartbreak that is around the corner that is on it's way due to the choice she made to step outside your marriage. The more she prolongs her decision the worse that part is going to be.

I find no provision in God's word for seperation or any kind of divine permission for her to carry on any kind of relationship with a man she was and sounds like she is still is involved with. She has to choose whether she wants to come back and let God try to restore the marriage and relationship she promised him as well as you she would. Or she can pursue the relationship with him and live outside the will of God forever. God will never give his blessing to a relationship spawned out of infidelity. It goes against the very nature of who he is. Yes he can forgive it but nowhere does he say he will ever bless it. The question that was posed to my spouse when she had to make the choice was do you want to live in or outside the will of God the rest of your life and live with the consequences of either. This made her seriously reconsider the other relationship. Yes she was weak and heavily addicted to the other relationship but she still had the sense to fear God. I am so thankful she hadn't regressed past that point.

So my advice to you brother is, with God's help make the changes in your own life that need to be made for the relationship to work. Take care of what you can take care of. Second is simple, explain to her what you are willing to do and give her the choice. The ongoing relationship with him is not a option and you must not tolerate it. Once you have repented for your contributions to the problems in the marriage trust that God is in control and that he WILL bless your obedience. Remember!!! It's not your sole responsibility for the choice she makes. Here's the harder part. Give her a deadline to think it over. My pasture gave me this advice. He told me that there needed to be a in stone deadline not just a ongoing whenever you get ready I'll be here waiting for you enabling deadline. I gave 24 hours. I had to be ready to take the next step if she chose him. Honestly in your case I believe for her to choose for you to stay apart is a vote for him. Trust me affairs usually just don't go away on their own. ESPECIALLY if she's still talking to him on the phone and seeing him. In my case the next step for her if she would have chosen him would have been for her to leave, NOT ME. I wasn't having the affair. I would have subsequently needed to see a lawyer. There is NO WAY she could stay in a marriage with me and still been having a relationship with him. That would not be fair to me and it wouldn't be fair to my children. The same is true in your case. It's might sound crazy but having a extramarital relationship and staying married is worse on your children than a actual divorce. God says you can leave in the case of unfaithfulness and he is not going to punish you or your kids for it. She is the one who is going to be judged for not repenting of this relationship. So let me emphasize this one more time!! If she's still talking to him the affair is not over... There must a absolute cut off of their communication and whatever that intels.

I am living in the aftermath of what your going through brother. It's been over a year and I promise it's still not easy living with the scars. Find someone you can talk to. I chose my pasture. We are close in age and we are good friends. You need someone who can speak Biblical truth to you. Satan is going to try to eat you alive. I would say it is easily the hardest thing a man could endure. But with God's grace we can do it. I love my wife very much!!! And after all that has happened and been said and done she calls me her hero. She will say that taking her back after what happened was heroic. Truthfully God was the only hero. He just told me what to do and said if I did that he would handle the rest... I confessed my contributing sins to her and rearranged my priorities. I was obedient, he reclaimed my wife. Praise God!!

My prayers are with you brother and I'm here for you. I hope she makes the right choice, God Bless.........

[Dayle]

Hello Criss...
Your advice is excellent....we should always seek God's best in our life. Marriage is a covenent not to be broken. I felt such joy while reading your words. It is so inspiring to see what God will do when we choose to do the hard things for his glory. Thanks for sharing...we praise God for all He has done!

Keith...you are in my prayers. I pray that the Lord will speak to your heart through Criss' words. May you find comfort in knowing that Jesus understands...he was betrayed as well. It doesn't make things any easier but it helps you realize that there is nothing wrong with you. Betrayal is part of the human experience. Jesus has the power to help and heal you. May you be blessed!

~ with love and prayers for peace...dayle

[David Norman]

Hello Keith,
There's apart of me the P.I. side that tells me your wife has already moved on emotionally out of the relationship or isolation she may have felt in your marriage. On the other hand, my personal experience, my wife was also sexually abused by her biological father at a young age, I've never felt emotionally intimate with my wife we both have our issues, but she is unwilling to get help for her childhood abuse and unwilling to really seek counseling of any kind. Your in a tough position man, and I know where your at, there's alot of desperation in what your saying, as to what really is the right thing to do. Me and my wife are separated and it has truly given me alot of time of reflection, my kids and your kids do not need to be raised in a dysfunctional environment and if you continue living with her, your showing your kids the dysfunction between you to is appropriate behavior between husband and wife. I really struggled with separating, because of the trauma it imposes on the children, however, the trauma caused by the dysfunctional relationship between me and my wife seemed to outweight the other. In other words I feel like I choose the lesser of two evils at this point in my life. All you can do man, is keep your side of the street clean, your wife could feel trapped sense you all have been so close for so many years. Every persons case is different when it comes to this matter, and everyone reacts differently, your in my prayers man and remember man you both have to want the same thing,.

[Charlene]

Keith,
After reading this and all the comments, I saw one person who said "your kids don't need this" and I thought, he does not have kids. But I did go back and look, and sure enough you mentioned them once in the beginning. Opps, my fault for not paying attention. That is the only time I think that you mentioned them. Do you help take care of them much? I think if you have not admitted to your wife about your purity struggles,( you did not go into details ) you should at least let her know that guys struggle with that too.Guys can seem to have an "affair" so to speak with pictures, which is probably why Christ said if you look on a woman with lust you are just as guilty of it in your heart. Women need to feel a connection with a guy.It sounds like now you are very willing now to walk the walk, and talk the talk. Your wife really should not have had an affair, pray that God will help her to see that it won't be better than what God can provide for her without it. It is so easy to fall in love with a fantasy, but when you get into real life and have to deal with the kids and bills and jobs and etc, the fantasy all seems to disappear. Sin is like that, the bait looks really good for the moment, but after the fact, we cannot make reality go away. Does this other guy have anything to do with the kids? Does he know them? I would be a Mr. Prince Charming as much as I could be and offer to take the children any time and be very involved in their lives. A woman can easily fall in love with a man who adores their kids. My prayers are with you and I pray that the Lord will restore your marriage.

[K]

Dear Keith,
I couldn't help but relate to what you are sharing, even though I am female, because my husband and I have just gone through something very similar. i have forwarded your comments to him in hopes you two can be of support to one another. See, I knew he was doing the porn, and it broke my heart in a hundred ways. It led me to be so desperate for affection that i had an affair, and it is ended now. Completely severed. It gets complicated, but suffice it to say my husband is quite the hero in all of this. He is still with me, still loves me and says God is doing things in his heart and sex drive is on neutral etc. Very similar, like i said, to your situation. I trust God is working in and through your life as you endure/overcome this time of trial. Praying for you and your wife: Hold on! He is not finished yet...

[Roscoe]

"Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
"The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
"But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded.
"His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.'
"But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.
"Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."

[Allen Brown]

Brother Keith,

I feel for you and pray for you and I am praying for you. I am in a similar situation though my wife testifies that she did not commit fornication and that she has stopped communicating. Our problem is the residual effect of where her heart went emotionally, both through the emotional affair and dates (just talking, comforting and dinner they both testify) and through the months or even years leading up to the relationship! I too, take responsibility for "putting her heart there" in that I did not put her first and submit my own wants and desires to care for her spiritual needs and value, love and esteem her in a Christ-like way (Eph 5). I was demanding, harsh and critical for years... originally about the way she kept the home and eventually about the way she communicated, respected, devoted time to me and her family. I have been broken, cried to God to take me, teach me and show me how to lead and love his way and to lean not on my understanding! She has demanded separation so that she/we can heal but I am afraid it is a test to see if she can be comfortable with permanent separation and that she somehow is not convinced that God wants her to make her marriage work, endure and honor Him. She has gone to counseling with me but is not receiving personal counseling and seems to resist whenever a counselor states that the marriage covenant is permanent and a Christian wife and mother's calling is to be the best wife she can be. My responsibility is to show her compassion, forgiveness and acceptance no matter what she does. To show her, somehow, by the Holy Spirit that while I do not agree with her actions, I accept her, forgive her and care about her spiritual condition and relationship with Christ more than I care about my hurt or loss. You see, my grieving has to be for her spiritual state and hardened heart, not for my loss of my love and helpmate! Even though my focus has changed from personal standards and needs to the spiritual ones, I still need to lift her up spiritually and not express disappointment when she sins against me! She is carrying a burden of guilt, both from sin against God and a feeling of disappointing me! I need to make her understand and believe that I love her in her sin just as much as I do when she does what is right, I need to see her as Christ sees her. It is the most difficult thing I have ever done, to put away the feeling of rejection and betrayal and show her the love of Christ and release her from her burdens and feelings of not measuring up so she can be set free! I have read Every Man's Marriage, Sacred Marriage (by Gary Thomas) and I am reading The Power of a Praying Husband (by Stormie Omartian). I recommend all of these... use your authority but use it spiritually... use God's mighty weapons to the breaking down of strongholds (2 Cor 10:4) and refuse to let the enemy have his way with your wife through trickery and deception. I pray that God will enable you to accomplish this and please pray for me as I am just now learning to do this! In Christ's blessed, powerful and holy name, Allen.