Post-Abortion Healing

Add a Comment

Comment by Judy on May 6, 2009 at 5:44am

Mother's Day is the pits!

Comment by Judy on April 10, 2009 at 3:01pm

Christian 01,
I feel for you. That must have been really hard. I will pray for you and for you to feel the love and forgiveness of God so much that the accuser can't shake you like that.
Judy

Comment by Christian 01 on March 29, 2009 at 9:02am

Recenlty I went to the library. The abortions I went through weigh heavily on my heart. i still don't feel safe to proceed on that guilt and shame. I was looking through a book and found an ultrasound picture. it creeped me out. In a book at the library someone place there ultrasound picture. Right away I thought; Just another reminder of those terrible, horrible choices. Right there in the library!!

Yet I don't think its God. its the accuser trying to hold me down through shame and guilt.

Please Lord help me to know your loving forgiveness!! God Bless!

Comment by Renee on February 22, 2009 at 10:18am

For me accepting God's love and forgiveness was a lot easier than forgiving myself. I echo your thoughts as well, there are certain times of the year that it does seem to surface more and the battle wages on. Again, God is patient with us all and I've experienced so much more forgiveness as I draw close even when I can't sense His presence. I've experienced many "dark nights of the soul" (Richard Fosters, Celebration of Discipline) I've learned that I just have to go with what I know to be true in light of God's Word whether my heart is really in it or not. It takes much courage to go forward but what is the alternative? Allow the Enemy to win this battle? My relationship with the Lord is too important--that is what drives me forward. When I'm scared and weak, I "squinch" up my eyes and take the next step forward. (sometimes it may take a few days to get up the guts, some days I do better than others) The important thing is keep on. Your brothers and sisters are here for you. With love and a prayer for peace

Renee

Comment by Judy on February 22, 2009 at 1:38am

Renee,
My previous response to your comments was way too short and impersonal. I know you put alot of yourself and your heart into writing that. I sincerely appreciate it. That was an awesome rebuttal to the Judge Me piece. I wrote the Judge Me piece on one of my worse days.
Like many others who have had abortions, I am not able to have children, so when I encounter things along life's way that stir up that deep desire for a child, it also adds fuel to the flames self-condemnation. If I had not murdered my own child I would be a mother, now, and maybe even had more. Self-loathing sometimes drives me to despair.
The pain always seems to linger just below the surface, always at the ready, waiting for just the right moment to rise up and accuse me before God and man. I know God has forgiven me and I am working on forgiving myself, but when the pain rises so does Judge Me. I struggle to allow God's love to fill me, He seems so far away most of the time.
Thanks again, it certainly helps to hear from someone who truly understands.
Judy

Comment by Judy on February 18, 2009 at 12:46pm

Renee
Thanks
Judy

Comment by Renee on February 16, 2009 at 5:52pm

The courtroom is stark, gray, lifeless. A lone woman stands in a plain linen garment, hands bound with a thick rope in front of her. Her eyes are filled with pain as she stares up into the gallery-- the gallery of accusers. Yet, there is only one person there. The woman cannot look for long and drops her head in shame. The one person, slight in stature, is in pain too. The Judge is filled with anger, hate and an icy chill seems to emanate from the very heart.

The woman looks again this time through tear filled eyes. She knows there is no escape. She is doomed for all eternity. The Accuser is mouthing something. "M-m-m..." as a finger points accusingly. The woman thinks,"Murderer!" Yes, that is true. I am a murderer.

She doesn't realize that another is now standing beside her. She hears a whisper. "No, they aren't saying 'murderer'. Look, again." Startled, she looks quickly at the other and then towards the Accuser. "M-m-mommy!" The accusing finger is but a hand reaching towards the woman.

She cries out in grief and falls in a heap on the floor. The Other stoops down beside her and gently holds her as she wails her pain. The sound reverberates off the walls and pierces her own heart again and again. The Other strokes her hair and holds her until the wailing subsides. She looks up into eyes that know unspeakable pain- just like hers. She also sees love and forgiveness. She gulps this love and forgiveness as a man in the desert. It floods her soul. She looks to Judge Me who has been stripped to nothing and seems to be fighting to maintain its stance. The more she allows the Other into her soul the weaker Judge Me becomes. She looks to the Accuser who is now reaching for her with both hands. She feels love from the Accuser too. She wants to get and go to Accuser but there is a chasm between them. The Other whispers, "He is with me and you will see him when the time is right. Continue to let my love fill you up, there is no room for bitterness, resentment, shame and self condemnation when you are filled with my love. Perfect love casts all of that out. Do not let Judge Me have a foothold in your life. Judge Me will try to come back, will accuse you, will try to plant those things that will drive out love. Trust me, remember this day and allow me to continue to fill you with My love. Stay close, do not get far ahead of me. Stay close, walk with me and you will continue to be filled. We love you and there is no condemnation in me. But everyday, sometimes every minute, you must choose--love or Judge Me."
She nodded her head in agreement. She knew it would be hard. Judge Me had had so much power but the love she felt made her heart soar. She stood and saw the Accuser & the Other were side by side. A bright light flooded the room. She closed her eyes tightly. When she opened them, she was in her bedroom. The love was still there and her heart was still light. She remembered all that was said. Some days Judge Me tried to gain power and she allowed it. As the days progressed, she became stronger in love and Judge Me didn't seem to be as big as in the past. Every day, sometimes by the minute, she had to choose to be filled.

Comment by Judy on February 15, 2009 at 10:15pm

The hell of my soul is where I am my own judge. It is where I alone determine my worth and decide my own punishment. Judge Me is hard and cruel. Judge Me doesn’t know mercy and is never lenient. Judge Me rarely listens to witnesses or experts and there is no jury. Judge Me sits on a throne of resentment, bitterness, and shame and is enthroned by self-condemnation.

The hell of my soul knows not love, life, or liberty. The hell of my soul, where emptiness crushes and silence is deafening. The hell of my soul, it is where my womb craves life but death reigns. The hell of my soul is where my womb mocks me with empty echoes of silent screams. The hell of my soul is where my child silently screams “murderer”.
How do I escape this?

Comment by Ree on January 21, 2009 at 1:28pm

Hi Renee & Christian 01 . Thanks for sharing. I can totally relate to how you both feel. I went through counseling seveveral times and this always comes up for me. It never seems to go away and I know it's because I haven't dealt with it in an honest and open way. I know we all need a safe and unjudgement environment to let this out so I pray for that and the courage to let it out when the time comes. This is such a heavy load to bear. Thank God for this site where we can say (write) the words we feared saying and realize the grace of God in that we are all still here- He didn't do what He could have to us and now we have to heal and keep on healing. I pray that you find true healing Christian 01 and that we all come to know the real love of Christ. He knew that we'd be in that position and knew we'd cry night after night and agonize about whether to have the abortion, whether to keep the baby, whether to tell, whether to seek help. He knew and still He loved us with all He had and more. Take His yoke in exchange for your heavy load, for His is light and easy. Love you in the Lord.
Ree

Comment by Renee on January 19, 2009 at 5:16pm

My heart grieves for you Christian 01,
You have echoed many of the same experiences I struggled with and through. Those feeling of worthlessness, shame, grief, and post traumatic stress--I've suffered through it all. I still do struggle at times. I know that you may not want to hear this--but please consider sharing this with your therapist. It will break you if you don't unload this. Yes, I suspect there will be great grief and pain but it will be cathartic---getting this poison out of you. It will eat away at you. I don't know if you are a Christ-follower or not but this I do know without a shadow of a doubt. The Enemy wants to keep you bound up, beaten down, chewed up and feeling worthless-- God is much bigger than that. He will forgive you and then this is harder-- forgive yourself. I could accept God's forgiveness but could not forgive myself until a friend pointed this out: When I can't forgive I am saying that I am bigger than God. God's forgiveness cannot cover all sins and that Jesus' suffering only works for other people. I knew that that wasn't true. Jesus' suffering does cover all sins even the heinous act of abortion. I murdered my son through abortion and yet as I lay in that recovery room, I gave my life to Christ. I was so filled with remorse over what I had done but I'm glad that I became a believer through that experience. I will see my son and my other two children I lost through miscarriages when I get to heaven. Jesus will gently bring you into healing if you will let Him. Also know that we all are here for you. Just your sharing is a big step. Feel free to e-mail if you would like

• First
• Previous
• Next
• Last