Boundaries

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Comment by AugustD 1 day ago

After 1 failed marriage, and the second one disclosed after 16 yr with sexual addiction, I have realized that I have been a co-dependant, and need to stick to my boundaries this time for myself!!!!!!!! It has been very hard, I am a giver not a taker, and it has left me very broken, but it is never too late, I will not let the ones whom I love trample my boundaries anymore, I have learned that sticking to them has made me feel so much better, and now I feel worthy of myself no matter what anyone tries to do to me!!!!!!!!!!! It all starts with yourself!!!

Comment by kathy on November 12, 2009 at 11:20am

Kathy...

Looks like there are 2 of us...i write mine with a small k..kathy that will
help folks know the difference?!!

I was sent your post via email I checked here and did not see it posted?
I do not understand that ...I did want to respond with my thoughts in the event
they are helpful to you....

In reading your posts I find a lot of dynamics goin on here... Let me first say that the "new comer" typically gets the attention for a time. This woman being the new one for now.

You mention she "barters" ...her exchange: "buys gifts, sends cards, buys lottery tickets, is super nice" for babysitting... its indirect...an uspoken I do this.for you..so you will do this..buddy buddy or rubbing each others shoulder type thing...keep it mind its manipulation if it is expected...and there is a problem if the person she is asking for favors from says no...

You mention your 8 year old is close with her daughter...that puts you in an awkward position, its a more delicate relationship especially given you are neighbors. I have been in a similar type situation with 2 women neighbors
who each wanted to befriend me...i did not respond in kind as I have have
difficulty with neigbors in the past...these women ended up ganging up on
me and doin a lot of juvenile type things to upset me. I made the mistake
of letting them know it upset me and they got worse. It became a bullying
type situation. To quiet the fire I stayed in the house and kept my drapes drawn. Fortunately with time they both moved.
First if I may advise,
We have to look
at ourself and adjust...we can not change another
and I am certain you understand this.
Its unfortunate your other neighbors do not "get it". Since they did not know her
before it may take them a longer. They may or may not get tired of it..something will happen..and in time they too may set down boundaries as you have done. In the mean time turn it up to God...thats His work, He does a masterful job..trust Him.
Keep in mind your going through a big change here...the dynamics in your relationship has changed with your long time neighbors, a new member has been added, watching your friend, the new neighbor interact with these women likely makes you feel more manipulated as you see how she interacts with them. I know it must be frustrating not being able to show them what is going on ...think about your daughters who are 11 and as they move into their teens and thru there teens the hardest lesson for me to learn as a parent at that age was to let my son have his own mind and make his own decisions but doing so is what saved our relationship.
hope to hear more about your progress
hope something i said helped
kathy
Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load (Galatians 6:4-5).

Comment by kathy on November 12, 2009 at 10:23am

A message from Kate to all members of Boundaries on New Life Ministries Online Community!

I am raising my 3 daughters ages 11,11, and 8. I dont have much support and was very close to 2 different women on my street.
This went on for about 5 or 6 years. Then, another friend (who didn't know the other two women) moved in next door to me. SHe had a daughter who was very close to my 8 year old. Well this new friend is the type that buys everyone gifts, sends cards, buys lottery tickets, is super nice at first. After that she is constantly asking for favors, things she could easily do herself --mostly revolving around other people watching her kids while she does what she wants. I can see through all of this and have distanced myself from her. The problem is my other two freinds are taken, hook line and sinker and do everything for her . THings such as do homework with her kids, take her kids to church, make her treats, buy her all kinds of gifts in return. I feel like i have lost three friends. The two original friends seem so interested in knowing this new women that I am left out of a lot of things. I just can't see "buying frieneds" or pursuing other women just to talk them into watching mykids and running errands for me. I thought the other two would get it, but instead all these families seem emesahed. I felt left out and lonesome. Any thoughts?>
THanks, Kathy

Comment by kathy on November 10, 2009 at 1:55pm

Mrs M something i said came out wrong when i re read it...i meant that you had put down boundaries "drew the line with your brother" I wondered also first if your brother chooses not to stop the addictive behaviors that is his choice, but it is realistic for him not to be teaching children...if he cant understand perhaps you can do what is called intervention with him solely to help him understand why he should not be in the position if an authority with these kids...from what u say he has an addiction if those drugs are more important than his marriage? He needs a wake up call and I pray he gets it. Let me leave u a link...remember if there is a problem with a church member the Lord says we are to go in 2 or 3 and correct it.. Here is a website...u may want to google drug intervention for
more information...i am hoping this will give u a little information in that direction.
http://www.edrugrehab.com/services/christian/intervention

Comment by kathy on November 10, 2009 at 1:41pm

Mrs M,

Hi...I read your posts regarding an incident with your brother. First I would like to commend both you and your husband. Your patience and willingness to give your brother the opportunity to correct his inappropriate behavior is meritable.
For me it is normal that your husband would have a different way of handling this situation with his brother in law. Your drew the line and he let your brother know you love him. I think the two of you did an excellent job.
I am not sure if you understand what we call enabling..it is basically by doing nothing, placing no boundaries which in essence you did...your brother is misbehaving, irresponsible, thereby childish and living a double life.
I agree with you both it is inappropriate for your brother to be teaching
your child or any other...it is hypocritical to do so...I believe it is
your place to do as you have...in the long run irregardless of any
ones opinion you have participated in sending him the message
something must be done...change is inevitabal in the situation.
You are in a catch 22 as hearing you write I am certain you
have concerns for the other children...what would their parents
think or do if they knew the truth? This has fallen to you
and I admire your willingness to do as you are able to protect
these innocents!
I understand it would be good if someone else went to the pastor
in confidence in order to help your brother....at least i believe
as you do..it is imperative he not be influencing these young
minds given his life style.
Cece

Comment by MrsM on September 5, 2009 at 9:55pm

Dear Spring,
You hit it right on the money...Again, Thank You.

I do need to practice. I feel my arms want to become noodles right now, just thinking about how much courage it takes to confront; it's confrontation anxiety...My union rep (from work) once told me to learn how to be assertive; I need to heed both your and his counsel.
Anxious,
Mrs. M

Comment by Spring on September 2, 2009 at 7:48pm

MrsM,
You said, , "My husband does not condone my brother's actions, but he "feels for him" because I treated my brother like a child, "if you don't do x, i will punish you." Quote.

Is that what you think you were doing? From the explanation you wrote, it sounded to me like your motivation was to protect your 5-yr-old. Did I get that right?

Do not let your husband call your action something that it was not. Is your husband correct? Was your goal, if you don't do x I will punish you? Or was your goal, if you don't do x (quit doing drugs) I will need to remove my son from your class?

Does your husband feel for you and the position this has put you in to have to confront your brother? Does your husband feel for your son and the negative influence this might have on him? Sounds to me like your husband is more worried about hurting someone else's feelings than yours. Your feelings deserve to be his priority. Don't let him put this back on you unless your goal truely was, "If you don't do x, I will punish you."

Confrontation is good if it is done in love. That does not mean it will be painless for the person being confronted or the person confronting. If your brother and husband did not welcome your honesty than chances are their message to you is, "If you confront us, we will punish you." You more than likely sensed their rejecting response and possibly escalated the message. Maybe not the best, but don't beat yourself up and then back down from needed confrontation.

You don't have to stay stuck where you are at but you have to be willing to take action to hope for change.

I sense that you have confrontation deficit. Practice.

Comment by MrsM on September 1, 2009 at 11:03pm

Spring,
Thank you for your acknowledgement. My husband was there because I asked him to; I did not want to be alone with my brother; he is explosive and manipulative, so I think he allowed me to talk because my husband was present. That is all my husband was to do: be present. My husband also hugged my brother at the end; he did show him the love that I did not.

My husband also said what he said (me treating my brother like a child) in private; not in front of my brother; he was giving me the male point of view. Still, it did hurt that my husband did not fully support me. Your saying that he wimped out stings too; but I totally appreciate your candidness.

Thanks for the sites. Will look. (I have always felt a cloud in my marriage; like we are not part of the same team. I hope this is my imagination.) Thanks again.

Comment by Spring on September 1, 2009 at 5:39am

MrsM: It takes courage to set a boundary. You did the right thing.

We don't always do it perfectlly. But the point is you did it. Maybe it could have been sandwiched with more with we love you and we care about you and we don't want you to ruin your life with drugs. I don't know. I wasn't there . The confrontation would have been much more effective if there were some way to have had several people speak up and create a united voice. Your husband whimped out.

I also would not want my 5 year old in with a leader that does drugs. I have worked with youth leaders in every church I attended and even though the church may not have taken a stand against drinking, the youth leaders did. Kids look up to their leaders. Would you really want to imprint drinking and smoking pot as a normal behavior to your young child?

If his wife is leaving him, he is more than likely up to no good. If he isn't serving his wife first, he has not business passing on his disfunction to others.

Somethimes these drug people are great people outside of their habit. They get sympathy and support from others which on the surface looks loving but it only enables their destructive habits . Your husband should have supported you. He agreed with you before the confrontation but then did not support you during it.

Sounds like you have an issue in your marriage that needs to be confronted. Instead of less confrontation, my guess is you need more. Maybe find support from someone on the outside of your family before the confrontation and even practice what you are going to say with that person. Get feed back on it and then go out with confidence.

I would start with www.godsavemymarriage.com/ or http://www.joelandkathy.com/boards/groupcp.php.

Celebrate recovery is also good for family of druggies.

Let me correct the comment I made below. The forum is not led by a 19 year old, only the singles section. The rest of the forum is lead by various moderators who all have a calling to help with marriages. My name there is C2. Please find me there if you try it.

You will find support there and if your husband is willing, you two can learn to become one flesh and operate like a team.

Comment by MrsM on August 31, 2009 at 9:27pm

I made a mistake. I hate confrontation, I think it's because I don't do it well. "Boundaries face to face" is somewhere in my book collection; I have not completed it; I should have:
I confronted my brother about his behavior. My husband was there in support. My brother is a Sunday school teacher; one of my kids (5yrs) is in his class. This is the second time in two years (maybe 1) that my sister-in-law leaves my brother. She had several reasons. Among them is his smoking marijuana and drinking. She left for about a week. She's back now. And he's teaching again (he only took 1 Sunday off). This angers me.

We were raised in a Christian home. My dad was the pastor of our small church for 20 years. His testimony is bad too. My mistake: I confronted my brother. I told him that if he didn't change, that my son won't be going to Sunday school anymore. My brother told me to tell our current pastor. Apparently, my brother doesn't feel right teaching or playing an instrument during worship; but "it's a blessing to others" so he keeps doing it. I don't know if pastor told him to keep serving even after knowing of his addiction.

My husband does not condone my brother's actions, but he "feels for him" because I treated my brother like a child, "if you don't do x, i will punish you." What could I have done? Did I do the right thing?

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