Boundaries

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Comment by Spring on September 1, 2009 at 5:39am

MrsM: It takes courage to set a boundary. You did the right thing.

We don't always do it perfectlly. But the point is you did it. Maybe it could have been sandwiched with more with we love you and we care about you and we don't want you to ruin your life with drugs. I don't know. I wasn't there . The confrontation would have been much more effective if there were some way to have had several people speak up and create a united voice. Your husband whimped out.

I also would not want my 5 year old in with a leader that does drugs. I have worked with youth leaders in every church I attended and even though the church may not have taken a stand against drinking, the youth leaders did. Kids look up to their leaders. Would you really want to imprint drinking and smoking pot as a normal behavior to your young child?

If his wife is leaving him, he is more than likely up to no good. If he isn't serving his wife first, he has not business passing on his disfunction to others.

Somethimes these drug people are great people outside of their habit. They get sympathy and support from others which on the surface looks loving but it only enables their destructive habits . Your husband should have supported you. He agreed with you before the confrontation but then did not support you during it.

Sounds like you have an issue in your marriage that needs to be confronted. Instead of less confrontation, my guess is you need more. Maybe find support from someone on the outside of your family before the confrontation and even practice what you are going to say with that person. Get feed back on it and then go out with confidence.

I would start with www.godsavemymarriage.com/ or http://www.joelandkathy.com/boards/groupcp.php.

Celebrate recovery is also good for family of druggies.

Let me correct the comment I made below. The forum is not led by a 19 year old, only the singles section. The rest of the forum is lead by various moderators who all have a calling to help with marriages. My name there is C2. Please find me there if you try it.

You will find support there and if your husband is willing, you two can learn to become one flesh and operate like a team.

Comment by MrsM on August 31, 2009 at 9:27pm

I made a mistake. I hate confrontation, I think it's because I don't do it well. "Boundaries face to face" is somewhere in my book collection; I have not completed it; I should have:
I confronted my brother about his behavior. My husband was there in support. My brother is a Sunday school teacher; one of my kids (5yrs) is in his class. This is the second time in two years (maybe 1) that my sister-in-law leaves my brother. She had several reasons. Among them is his smoking marijuana and drinking. She left for about a week. She's back now. And he's teaching again (he only took 1 Sunday off). This angers me.

We were raised in a Christian home. My dad was the pastor of our small church for 20 years. His testimony is bad too. My mistake: I confronted my brother. I told him that if he didn't change, that my son won't be going to Sunday school anymore. My brother told me to tell our current pastor. Apparently, my brother doesn't feel right teaching or playing an instrument during worship; but "it's a blessing to others" so he keeps doing it. I don't know if pastor told him to keep serving even after knowing of his addiction.

My husband does not condone my brother's actions, but he "feels for him" because I treated my brother like a child, "if you don't do x, i will punish you." What could I have done? Did I do the right thing?

Comment by Spring on August 13, 2009 at 5:57am

Louise & Ashina:
Louise, Celebrate Recovery has groups for codependents. I went for two years. Learned a lot from hearing everybody's stories. We had a lot of younger people come in and out of our group.
Below is a link to another Christian website. They have a forum for singles dealing with issues like guys, dating, etc. Really, anything you want to bring up. The moderator is 19 and his parents have a great marriage. They had 10 bad years and now have 13 good years so he gives a lot of good advise based on what he has seen in his parents lives that does and doesn't work. They have a whole topic dedicated to "send singles here before they get married."
http://www.joelandkathy.com/boards/groupcp.php
Let us hear back from you here if this helps.

Comment by Susan Rodriguez on August 12, 2009 at 4:22pm

Hi, Ashina.
wow, I am having a tough time. I am seeking to establish boundaries, but keep pushing off enforcing them until tomorrow. Please pray for my situation and the strength, wisdom, and discernment to know God's will.

Comment by Ashina on August 12, 2009 at 3:41pm

Hello everyone, I am a new member. Great opportunity to connect with other Christians with similar struggles. I pray that this website is a blessing to all.

Comment by Susan Rodriguez on July 25, 2009 at 7:07pm

Hi, all. New to site and group. Look forward to encouraging each other.

Comment by mr robert foster on July 14, 2009 at 12:58pm

hi struggle against devill hope god will help me im sorry

Comment by mr robert foster on July 14, 2009 at 11:59am

hi struggle against deble hope god will help me

Comment by Louise on July 13, 2009 at 3:50pm

Hi everyone! I just joined this group! I joined because after some very difficult experiences of abuse (mainly sexual), I find it difficult to establish boundaries and honor them. I'm getting ready to move out to my own place, finally, and it's a bit daunting when I think about establishing boundaries so that I don't re-enter into codependent relationships with women or unhealthy sexual relationships with guys. I also find I need to establish boundaries for myself and honor those...any thoughts?advice? prayers?

Comment by Kathy C on July 1, 2009 at 9:57pm

I need help! My sister has finally had her kids taken away and I have two of them! I need prayer that I can protect my Family from the tactics of my sister! That God will give me Grace to deal with her and love to give to the kids. I need prayer for wisdom, love, forgiveness, and grace.

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