Boundaries

Add a Comment

Comment by Spring on July 1, 2009 at 7:50am

giveaccount: Is your husband there for you when you need him?

Comment by giveaccount on July 1, 2009 at 6:08am

I am having a hard day. I ask that you pray for me. I was becomming co-dependant with a good friend of mine and I set boundries some that I am still trying to put into place. I come from a home where my parents divorced and my dad never looked back. I felt abandoned and I find myself gaining the acceptance of my friends by doing things for them and being there for them. I do this way above and beyond what I should. I then find myself needing to set boundries. I guess in some ways I enjoy their friendship so much I don't want to be abandoned by them. I had keep close contact with him but I am now contacting him only if it pertains to our ministry and if I need to know some thing or need to inform him of some thing. Keep me in prayer as I go through the painful process of limiting myself to these boundries. I know that there will be a great benifit to setting these boundries in our friendship but right now it just hurts.

Comment by giveaccount on June 24, 2009 at 9:27am

I was sitting at my desk and I realized that God has given me a break through in boundaries that I was working on and had placed. In the mist of it I felt stuck but what we can’t do God does so that we can give him all the honor and all the Glory. In setting these boundaries I needed to speak to some one the truth in love in order to explain to them why I needed boundaries in the friendship. I know that in setting boundaries one of the things that goes through our mind is that we may lose a good friend but that was not the case we needed to know that is a risk but if they leave our lives because they want to overstep our boundaries then they are not true friends. Setting boundaries has taught me that I need to analyze myself and the way I interact with others and see if I need to set any boundaries that would help my relationships. In this case we both grew and learned not to mention we are better able to serve the Lord because we don’t feel bad about the way we interact with each other. God will send blessings to us after the storm. I ordered the book on boundaries and it was very helpful but we do need to put into practice what we learn. My friendship has flourished and we are open with each other. We have developed a bond and we are able to see that we seek each others best interest more than anything.

Comment by Sherry on June 20, 2009 at 10:25am

I just read the article Love + Respect + Boundaries Equals Significant Relationships - WOW! I am going to have to think about a lot of things.
I see that I have a hard time accepting NO also!

Comment by Spring on June 19, 2009 at 8:04am

Sherry: We will be your friends. Send us a situation you might want to say no to and we will give you our take one situation at a time. This way you can get feedback from more than one person. I don't check this site every day, but I bet someone will. It sounds like giveaccount has a lot of wisdom. If we all do this for each other ... maybe we can all get stronger.

Comment by giveaccount on June 19, 2009 at 6:13am

Sherry I was the way you are. I could not say not to any one. The only one I was saying no to was me. I was saying no to time for me. I was saying no to you can't say no to them they will get upset. I was always trying to please them all. Yes I did get mad and frustrated but I keept doing the only thing I knew what to do. I finally read the book on boundries. I began to realize the only one with the problem was me. I could not say no. I was wearing myself thin I finally looked at my schedule and took some things out that were not a priority. I began to say no to my kids when they wanted me to run them around all over the place. I am the adult I will see to it that they go where it is necessary. I began to talk to all my family including my husband I told him how I felt and how it was me who did this to myself. I told them I was making some changes and that those changes would be for my good and every one elses. After a while you see a great freedom in being able to say no to others and saying yes to freeing yourself of obligations you only put on yourself.

Comment by Sherry on June 18, 2009 at 3:24pm

I don't really have friends, Spring.

Comment by Spring on June 18, 2009 at 2:11pm

Sherry: Just say no. But first, find a friend that is good at saying no but they are also a loving and compassionate person. Ask them if you can call them and get their feedback situation by situation.
I just had a lady call me 2 seconds ago and I told her no. She works for us and wanted me to advance her $40.00. I have employees ask this all the time. She thought she had an emergency but I did not think she did. No one was hurt. Too many people spend money before they make it and too many people want us to give them money before they earn it. Sometimes we loan people money, but most of the time that just feeds into an ongoing problem they have.
You will initially feel guilty like it is the wrong thing to do if you are new at setting boundaries. I used to teach school and I got to see the benefits of setting boundaries with hundreds of students. At first they thought I was tough. Some of them thought I was mean, but almost all of them respected me. And most of them enjoyed the freedom they had in my classroom and I could have never given them as much freedom to explore had I not had really tight boundaries.
I am actually very good at setting boundaries with most people but I have a really hard time setting boundaries with my husband. Sometimes I have to call people and say, this feels bad, is it really the right thing to do? I have saved myself some grief by calling in the backups. Some people were worse at setting boundaries than I was so they were not much help to me, they only made things worse but I eventually found a few people who really helped me find a good balance. I only wish I had done it more and earlier.

Comment by Sherry on June 18, 2009 at 7:35am

I don't really know much about boundaries, or how to have them - just that I don't have any. I run when my kids need a babysitter, when my mom needs something from the grocery store, and my husband expects me to wait on him - I am never "off". I almost never tell anyone no - I just really resent it and feel angry inside. Sometimes I refuse to pick up the phone - I just want some time to myself - but deep inside I guess I don't feel it's OK to say no.

Comment by Bee on June 12, 2009 at 2:10pm

Hi. I am new the the Boundary's group too, (although I learned that I am co-dependent 20 years ago and have been putting my life on God's track with the fear of God at heart ever since in effort to gain respect and to build bridges in my relationships).
I just wanted to thank Megan for leaving her comment on 5-1-09 on her results of "mirroring" her husbands behavior back to him. Here is how that affected my life:
My husband had just been mistreating me earlier in the day yesterday and I did a good job at keeping my cool and staying in the right and telling him how his behavior toward me made me feel. Last evening I retorted to the bedroom to catch up on my Boundaries group comments and happened to read all of the comments. At the point that I finished reading them my husband opened our bedroom door and asked me what I was reading. So, I read TO HIM that Megan tried mirroring her husbands behavior back to him and that Megan's husband thought it was mean and another wrote that her husband thought it was revenge because she was doing it intentionally and he had done the behavior unintentionally.
Reading my husband these comments helped me show him that I am seeking the body of Christ for wise counsel.
It showed him that I am not through growing.
It showed him that I expect to break through his pattern of disrespect toward me. I will not tolerate it.
Because of the word "mirror" that Megan used God gave me an inspiring thought. I remembered that God tells us that when a person does something they can literally walk away and forget what manner of man they are. As I thought that we were in front of our dresser mirror. You all know the man in the mirror likes to think more highly of himself than he should.
I looked in the mirror and told my own face in the mirror with my husband there, "Barb, ( I told myself) I am judging you so that you will not be judged by God." In front of the mirror we discussed the way that the "episode" went, having him tell me with him seeing his own reflection why he had decided to treat me that way and me answering him how I felt that his decision were wrong and disrespectful toward me. It was sobering.
I wish I could put all the conversation here for all of you readers, but I cannot.
I gained some respect for the way I handled this situation because of the way he and I communicated throughout the rest of the evening and how we prayed together after. I think that he saw how seriously I take him not abusing me anymore.
I feel that it is my responsibility before God to walk with integrity (what I know, what I believe I actually DO) and I made it clear I expect to be treated from his integrity under God.
I gotta go cry awhile.
Love,
Bee

• First
• Previous
• Next
• Last