Boundaries

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Comment by Stephanie on October 29, 2008 at 2:48pm

I can relate to 2blessed2fret story. My husband is a recovering alcoholic & has been sober for 3.5 yrs. He went through rehab and dedicated his life to the Lord around the same time. But he has struggled with his faith and underlying cause of the the alcoholism since. Throughout the years there has been verbal abuse (pretty consistently) and violence that occurs about once a year. He has 5 children from previous relationships and we have childrearing, inlaw and financial problems that add to our burdens. There's alot of unhappiness, shame, and guilt that he has yet to overcome. I, too, have been praying fervently for him for years. I read the Boundaries book over the last month and realized that I have been enabling him and taking up too much of his responsibility for years. In an effort to start acting on my boundaries (little by little) he responded by withdrawing, breaking certain commitments that we established in our marriage and turning verbally and physically abusive towards me. After prayer and counsel, I separated from him last Mon. This is my first day in this group and I want to use it to help me continue to heal and recover, while establishing healthy boundaries for me.

Comment by Megan on October 29, 2008 at 1:48pm

Wow, so much of what you all say sounds so much like my situation minus alcohol.In fact, I think I thought because that wasn't an issue, life would be good after growing up in an alcoholic home. But not learning boundaries (and thinking that you do have them when you don't) causes so much pain. Debbi makes sense in saying that these issues of abandonment,etc makes the mess up their relationships. Your ex sounds just like mine!

Comment by debbi doo on October 29, 2008 at 12:15pm

Oh, he also used alcohol...much worse when drinking, which was every night. He is getting help now. Sounds like he still thinks drinking is "ok". I pray he finds healing and joy but I know Ii had to move way out of the way. I am sad.

Comment by debbi doo on October 29, 2008 at 12:13pm

When Megan says "why do they do that"? I believe my ex did that unintentionally because of his issues...deep abandonment issues, insecurity, lack of awareness of his stuff causing him to react each time and perhaps be a bit sorry after sometimes. He needed control and my not easily controlled self made him mad a lot. He would even get mad at my messes and disorganization in my home (not his) and blow up and leave. He just seemed to easlily get mad at many things.

Comment by 2blessed2fret on October 29, 2008 at 11:49am

Alcohol is his way of medicating. It breaks my heart to see him destroying himself, but I have let go, completely. I am moving forward into a life with Christ as my center, loving my children, and serving the Kingdom. The beauty I see in life now that my chains are gone, is keeps me in constant amazement. I have found the falling head over heels in love with my Master is more satisfying than any earthly relationship! Keep your eyes on HIM....grace & peace.

Comment by Wendy on October 29, 2008 at 10:51am

Hi! I am not sure this is my business, but I was wondering if your husband is on medication. It sounds like he is using the alcohol to numb the pain (what else is new?) and leaving a trail of pain behind him. Some Christians don't believe in medications, but I commend you for taking emotional care of your kids and getting distance from them. God Bless! Wendy

Comment by 2blessed2fret on October 29, 2008 at 10:17am

My husband alienated my old girls (from first marraige) by calling them names and shunning them from extended family gatherings (his mother hated us and refused to accept my older girls as their own) along with terrifying our youngest daughter with his alcoholic rages and constant depression (i.e. crying in front of her and sharing his stories of child abuse by his parents with her). She loves her daddy but knows that he is not well. I NEVER bad mouth him to her and encourage her to pray for him. Our daughter loves the Lord and knows that Jesus is his only hope for healing.

Comment by Megan on October 29, 2008 at 9:58am

Grace and peace to all of you as well. I am so curious as to what 2blessed2fret (love the name) said,that your husband systematically destroyed his relationships.That is what I see in my husband.Why do they do that?

Comment by Lizzie Taylor on October 29, 2008 at 9:50am

Thank you 2blessed2fret for yuor comment. I had the same question the first time I left my marriage and talked a pastor, consulor and friends about it before I made a Quick desicion and everybody said that God did not make marriage to be abused... It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulder. I like your positive attitude, keep up te good work and keep talking to God.
God bless!

Comment by 2blessed2fret on October 29, 2008 at 9:10am

I left an abusive alcoholic marraige this past year. I held on for so long hoping that he would enter rehab. He systematically destroyed any relationship he could have hoped for with our daugthers and left me struggling to figure out if I was failing God by leaving my marraige. I prayed with ferver for years and finally I asked God to make a way for us to leave or heal our marraige. My youngest daughter and I have been on our own for over a year. Always petition God in prayer as ending a marraige is NEVER to be taken lightly, but our heavenly Father does not want us to suffer. It is imparative that you find a support group / close friends to help you in this process. Christian counseling has been hugely successful for me and my low self-esteem issues. I wish each of you well and know that God is the master of healing. Grace & peace to each of you.

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