Boundaries

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Comment by Jennifer on April 1, 2009 at 9:53am

Need advice :) I have been dating a man on and off for more than 2 years. I recently found out that he has been seeing someone else. He didn't tell me initially - I found a card from her in his car. Anyhow - now I dont trust him. He says he will stop seeing her if I want to commit to making 'us' work. My question...How do I KNOW I can trust him? I don't want to be the private investigator psycho girlfriend, but at the same time how can he assure me that he is telling me the whole truth and committed to only me?

Comment by Tametra on March 9, 2009 at 4:26pm

Boundaries is a skill and sometimes people think you're mean when you set them. So if you have self esteem issues it's hard.

Comment by Pilgrim on February 19, 2009 at 3:54am

Daizie & Megan,

I have the same problem with the how are you? question. I don't think its real either and I always find a way to sidestep it so that I don't lie with my response. I don't know if this is the right forum to discuss that or not either. Maybe it's true what Megan says below, that we have these issues because we don't have the right boundaries and people have walked over us in the past. I'm not sure where that post would go. Maybe there should be a forum called "Connections" because I think many people have this same issue.

I remember several years ago Deb and I going to a counselor together and he spoke about building 'hedges' to protect our heart. He was speaking about people dealing with people of the opposite gender, but I believe we have all built up 'hedges', even with same-gender friendships.

I keep wanting to join Celebrate Recovery (but I can't get up the nerve). I like what the founder says, basically that he was tired of the fact that every time that he went deeper than 'how ya doin?' at church, one of the guys would start in with the 'How 'bout them Rams?' (sidestepping, changing the subject). I'm tired of the same thing. Nobody wants to go deeper than 'How 'bout them Redskins?'

True, we need to have adequate hedges toward people of the opposite sex, even if we are not married, but the church should be a place where we can share our real feelings, at least with same-gender brothers and sisters in Christ.

Maybe I'm rambling because I'm not fully awake yet. I just wanted to say that I understood.

Comment by Megan on February 19, 2009 at 3:25am

Daizie,
Maybe you are having this social issue because people have not respected your boundaries and so you have been really hurt and want to give up on the whole thing. I think if you feel that people walk over you, then this probably is the right group for you because it sounds like a boundary issue.
I have the same problem with that "how are you?" question. I do feel like your husband says, that they don't really want to know, but I hate being a fake.

Comment by sharonk on February 16, 2009 at 10:21pm

Kathy,
Thanks, for reading through all the ramblings. I didn't do a very good job of keeping it short. I appreciate your insight. I keep getting the feeling I am throwing him to the wolves. The girls mother is married, the Dad loves him too. The sister is married too. On the outside they seem very normal. I think the Mom really wants this relationship so badly for her daughter, because it is the only healthy relationship the girl has had. My son is sober and active in recovery , he has over 2 years. The girl has a little over one year sober. When they first were dating , the girl and my son spent a lot of time with her family. My son was very open and honest about himself and his past addiction. I think it must have been the first time they spent that much quality time with their daughter. I also thinks the Mom likes the idea of her daughter being in a family that has lots of experiance in recovery programs. I admit my son is very handsome, and I must say some of those thoughts crossed my mind the day the mom came to spend the day with him. I also know he is getting lots of strokes from them all. We stroke him at home, but he also gets some truths. I really think the mom wants to keep him around , so when the girl comes around he will be there. On the other hand I think that maybe they just genuinly like him and aren't guys suppose to leave their family and cleve to their wife. I know they aren't married, thank God. Also they cleave to the wife not her family. He doesn't have a job, he is a full time student. So we are supporting him fully. He comes home every so often to earn money working around the house. He struggles in his studies, so we only require him to work part time for spending money. When all this drama started last Nov. he quit his work study job. We talked alot during the holidays, about what this would be like if they were married and the trust issues it would cause. He was glad at that point they hadn't married. I can see from my phone bill that they are texting and talking every day. I also see where the mom is also staying in daily contact with him. I think you are right, I keep getting the feeling that I need to open that door back up. We are talking daily , but not about her. The elephant in the room. It is hard to just listen when he ask my advice. If I just say "oh, I see", or "what do you think you should do?" He asks me what I think, most of the time he listens and thanks me for my advice, but since he is in contact with her again he asks then gets very arguementative. He admitted while they were apart that she was constantly trying to get him to stop talking to me, and do things that he knew we wouldn't approve of. He also admitted they had sex. Which he said she had a history of doing a lot of. But he wanted things to be different if they got back together. He knows how we feel about that, we talked about it, how it would affect both of their future relationships. I think this is why I was so upset when they both told me they wouldn't be alone in their apartments with each other, then 3 days later she is inviting him to her apartment at midnight. He called to tell me, and I said that is not a good idea , that isn't what you both said you where going to do. He got really defensive, and we just seemed to argue so I said maybe it's best if we don't disscuss this, because you know what our feelings are on this, and they won't change.
I'm sorry I got into rambling again. I just keep praying for wisdom and discernment and clairity on this. For me and my son. I will be praying for an opportunity to open up that dialog again.
thanks, for any imput.
Sharonk

Comment by kathy on February 13, 2009 at 8:00pm

Sharon,

I read your post and my first gut reaction was that you are the person your son is conveying his concerns about this relationship with "the girl" I would keep listening to what he is telling you, he needs a sounding board to figure out
what is going on, to be able to stay on top of things and clear his mind and
be able to make some good choices for himself, and what he wants out of
this relationship with her. I would not recommend you putting up a wall
to him, try to detach emotionally, and be a counselor not a mother
let go of the sense of protection you feel and this is the best you
can do as a mother who he needs to confide in. It is difficult
for you to be placed in the middle, you might bring that up to
him, how the situation is tearing you up inside, your mothering
love hates to see him be hurt, but he needs to decide what
he wants. Let him decide what he wants, try to listen if you
can. Shareyourfeelings about you wanting to be there to
listen and help him work through his feelings. Tell him
you are available if he keeps his word to himself and
and you, you love him and are hurting to know how
much he is being drawn into this family of women.
I question the mothers motives, what is with this
woman? sounds like she may have a thing for your
son, she has a dependency issueif she is grooming]
her daughters so called boy friend, does your son
have a good job , make good money or spending a lot
of it on this family? this may be their motive or ishe
real good look or a momas boy they think they can
manipulate or what, is he going to be buyingthe baby
gifts? what gives here whyis the sister and mother
keeping him around, the girl friend may have addiction
issue, anything, sexual addict, bipolar, sex abuse victim,
alcohol, drugs , her father, INCEST OR RAPE OR WHAT
it is complicated and you need to be careful not to throw
your son to the wolves if this is the case maybe he is
just getting the attention he needs in his life from these
women, only you and he can figure that out, he has
to do what is right for him and you need to stand back
and let him be a man make his own choices and listen
without emotional attachment be a guide here or just a counselor for him.
those r my recommendations
God bless,
trust and pray and pray with him for an answer
do not judge or make his mind up for him
i know it is very hard in these situations
trust yourself and tell him to trust himself
this is a very strange situation
and i hope he knows this girl will not change
unless she faces her ownissue
will he want a wife he can not trust
who once has stepped out on him
will again he is being manipulated
by her, and now emotionally allowing
himself to stay connected to her through her
mother HE IS DOING THIS
kathy

Comment by sharonk on February 13, 2009 at 1:43pm

I don't know if I'm in the right group, but for me this seems to be a boundary issue. For a brief history; My husband and I have been active and sober in A.A. for over 28 years, I have been in al-anon for over 16 years, we both are involved in C.R. for the last 3 years. I say all that not to brag but to let you know I am familar with recovery issues. Our just turned 21 yr. old son, who has been in A.A. for over 2 years met a girl in A.A. a year ago. They both live away in a college town. I have tried to connect to this girl by taking her on recovery retreats and being there for her when she called. Included her in our family at every opportunity. I sensed some controll issues all along with her and our son. I really have tried to stay out of it. This past Nov. he called to tell me that she wanted time for herself and was breaking it off. If he did something fun to call her. Turns out she was involved with another guy. He has always called and talked to me about his problems. He has learning disabilities and is slow about matureing. I have always encouraged him to call his sponsor, etc. This time I offered to get him a counseler, which I did. He said he had huge co-dependent issues. I have almost lost all my al-anon trying to be there for him through this. I and his sponsor and couseler encouraged him to try to get his life back and not respond to her. She continued to try to contact him through various ways, email, text, calls, messages, showing up at his door. She start out nice then when he wouldn't respond she'd lash out at him. We all advised him to get out of her way and let her hit the wall. She seemd headed for a fall and wanted to take him with her. Through all this her mother kept in contact with him daily. I offered to talk to her several times, knowing what she was going through. At Christmas the mother made a trip to our town to spend the day with him. Bring him a gift ,take him to lunch. I felt very odd at the time about this, but what could I say. When he went back to school in Jan. the mother met him to give him a special birthday gift that all the men in their family had. At one point I warned them that the girl might be upset to find out about their continued contact. The girl kept trying to contact him, and he finally opened the door one night. Well that opened the door for continued contact. He said she was sorry and wanted to make this work again. But they were going to take it slow and not see each other every day, not have contact every day, not be alone in each others apartments etc. She even contacted me and told me the same thing. I took off my mom hat and put on my recovery hat and told her this would be very hard to do, but that i was there for her anytime. I encouraged my son to just watch what she did and not believe the words. She contacted him every day for the next few days, they met in public to eat, and that night he called and said she wanted him over at her apartment to talk. I told him I disagreed, that was not what they said they would do, and he argued that he would tell her that there. Two nights later she tells him she needs some time to her self, she will write him, but he can't contact her. Her mother is still contacting him daily encouraging this. I told him this was the same thing all over again, and he argued, said he loved her and told her that was fine he would wait for her to work things out. we argued so much I finally told him I really didn't think we should talk about her anymore , it was sucking me down. He was mad. But we have managed to talk about other things. He came home this weekend to go see her mom and her and her sister who is having a baby, they want him there. I just said I didn't like it, I know he is hearing from her mom and her brother daily, and part of me wants to know whats going on. But I know i need to back out for now. But I hate the fact he is getting all these strokes from her family and sitting around waiting on her to come back in his life. I don't know if I did the right thing , telling him I don't want to talk about her anymore. Sorry this is so long, but any objective insight would be appreciated.
Thanks,

Comment by MrsM on February 11, 2009 at 9:29pm

Welcome, brian.
you may start a new conversation, or comment on others'...feel free to share what you think about boundaries, or if there is a struggle with understanding boundaries...I sure as heck am struggling, so that's why i'm here. Quite busy, though. Take care.

Comment by brian787 on February 8, 2009 at 9:45pm

hi im new here not sure what to say right now

Comment by Megan on February 2, 2009 at 3:29pm

Wow, Mary your husband sounds just like mine-who is divorcing me now. The last few years, he did the same thing-only speaking about things that concerned him and isolating himself in the house. But then he would all of a sudden want me to talk to him so I would listen, listen, listen but he didn't want to do the same. It's like me as a person dropped off his radar screen. He was going through a really hard time career-wise so I put up with it,thinking he would come around.
People on the outside also think he is charming and outrageous-and he is full of rage. Still, it hurts that he is splitting up the family, the coldness is shocking. Right now, it is my daughter's birthday, I am waiting for the meat to finish cooking and he came here but how do I sit down at the table with such a mean cold fish? I just can't believe how foolish I have been to trust such a character.

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