Boundaries

Add a Comment

Comment by Mary on February 2, 2009 at 11:59am

I accidentally deleted one of my comments. How do I get it back?

Comment by Mary on February 2, 2009 at 11:44am

Hi Megan
Yes my husband is Charismatic and charming. When I go in to my local bank all of the women in there are always commenting on how funny and outrageous my husband is when he comes in. Notice I used the word outRAGEous. Because that is what he is. Filled with rage. I thought he was so outgoing and friendly when I met him too. Not any more. He only speaks to us when he has to or there is something about himself or his own life he wants to talk about. I have set boundaries around his criticism so he has nothing to say to anyone and sticks to himself when he is home. He wanted everything here to look nice and be perfect but he did not want relationship with anyone. Everything with him seems to be an outward show although he prides himself on how honest he is. Brutally so. I have read Safe People and actually shared it with him when we were dating. He told me he taught the boundaries classes in his church when he was pastoring. He has quite a library of self help books in his office. You can imagine how impressed I was when I discovered this when we began seeing each other. Especially when my ex-husband used to make fun of me for reading "another one of those self help books!" He went to college the first two years of our marriage and got a degree in human services. He was on the deans list! But if you ask him anything now about a person struggling with addiction or mental illness he can only repeat information he has learned. If you start to go further where empathy and understanding are required he doesn't know what you are talking about. I think this last relationship has been the final piece to the puzzle for me. I won't be taken in by this again. So in that respect I guess that will be the good to come out of this. I just don't know how this will all play out. I'm not as young as I used to be and it's getting harder and harder to start over. If it was just me I would leave today but I have my kids to think about. He went back to school and got a better job since we have been married and I worked and supported him through that. I need to do the same for myself now but there doesn't seem to financially be a way..... Oh well thanks for listening to my ramblings. It helps just to get it out on paper.

Comment by Nicscrappy on February 2, 2009 at 10:27am

It would be hard to remain faithful, Mary! Personally, I don't think God is only in a church. I feel faith is about prayer, practicing what you preach, serving those in need in your community. There are so many corrupt people in church who don't live the same life they profess. It's hard to believe people can be so cruel as to hide their true selves until just the right moment - clearly do they think they're sane? We are taught not to be victims...to take responsibility for ourselves. But it would be nice to be able to stop these men from doing it again! Unless they molest a child, we won't know what goes on truly.

Counselors are human, we're human. What can you do if you've tried everything? What is God's plan? We hear He will only give you what you can handle. To what extent? Is it to break us totally down where we think there's nothing left but God? Is it worth divorcing yet again & moving your family totally away from the nonsense just to live alone? I don't know. I'm feeling your pain and desperation in your writing! I wish I had an answer for you (or any help). I do think by writing you seem to have a better handle of who's crazy & who's not. No, you may not have answers, but being clear about what has happened is something. Sending a hug now....

Comment by Megan on February 2, 2009 at 10:25am

Mary,
Is your husband charming and charismatic? Sometimes I think this kind of person (my husband is one) can really fool people and they live for basking in the praise of others-but this praise is superficial and I think there is a degree of superficiality in some church communites.People just want to make everything look nice and perfect and therefore don't care about how people among them really are suffering. But the charmers who live for the praise, can't deal with the intimacy and reality of the one on one relationship.Thus, only the wives/husbands/children really know and believe what is going on.
I hope that you can somehow find a real church community.You have suffered so much and I can see why you would want to wing it with Jesus. He is the only trustworthy presence you have had.
I am reading "Safe People" by Townsend and Cloud. I wonder if that would help you identify people that are bound to hurt you before they do.

Comment by Nicscrappy on February 2, 2009 at 7:31am

Hi Mary! Yes, you are right - boundaries don't always work. Some people are so self-involved that they don't see the harm they cause for what it is. There is such a fine line between working on the marriage (as we're taught) and upholding your own safety. Addicts are very good at being "sane" & even "admired" among everyone else. My husband is not an addict (that I know of, maybe love addict), but he is so rational and level headed toward other people they don't have reason to believe different. For you, I don't know if you'd ever be able to trust another man again (I prob wouldn't). Have you thought about going to an Alanon group? It's supposed to help you break the cycle. I think we're supposed to set boundaries for ourselves, not the other person to protect us from the harm that can come. As you have more trust and the boundaries are followed with ease, you can become freer to drop the "rules" b/c the other person would want to do things so you feel free to be you (vice versa).

I pray God gives you strength and love...at least for your children! Thank you for sharing your story.

Comment by Nicscrappy on February 2, 2009 at 7:08am

Jennifer - I just finished Boundaries in Marriage. There's a chapter on the misuses of boundaries (ie ubruptly placing ultimatums where you're trying to place boundaries is 1). One other thing that your situation reminded me of is they say be prepared for retaliation. He will act like a child throwing a bigger fit until you cave in. If it is a logical, safe, loving boundary and the consequence is to protect yourself from his harm then stick with it. Be loving so he understands you can't listen to his anger like that. Ride out the storm and he "should" finally calm down.

Just some quick thoughts.

Comment by Megan on February 1, 2009 at 1:24pm

Thanks Jennifer, I appreciate it. It is sad and hard to accept that I did not build my house (family) on the rock because I did not understand this lack of respect and how real it was.
I think Dana asks an interesting question-"how do we find out what we need or want?"

Comment by Jennifer on February 1, 2009 at 9:50am

Megan,
thank you for your honesty...my heart aches for you and your situation....it makes me sad as we stand up for hat is right, we get cut so deeply.

Comment by Megan on February 1, 2009 at 9:32am

In my case, I learned just lately how to put boundaries instead of arguing and rising up to the injustice of the disrespect. I had the same issue as Dana, arguing about the boundary instead of the problem.
But the healthier I got, the madder he got. He is divorcing me now because of this. ( He was taking a job in Mexico, but did not want the kids to be there because of the danger and instability for them. Then as he was re-thinking this, I said that I could not go because I had been so hurt by by his angry tirades. I told him if he was willing to look at this issue of disrespect, I would gladly move the family to Mexico. He blew up and said he would never look at that issue and a month later started agressively pushing divorce. ( I did move to a city where we had a base community and he could get home more easily). I am devastated, I thought the marriage and even me had to have more value than that for him.
But I think that people like him are so damaged by childhood or something, that they can only see others' boundaries as threats and acts of disloyalty.
With counselors, I have been lamenting all of this and wondering if I should have been more understanding. But they have pointed out that doing so would be denying the valueof my own personhood.This gets confusing for me because as Christians we are called to die onto ourselves. The counselors also pointed out the manipulation that boundaryless people try to incur on us and the more we let that happen, the more confused and encapsulated we get.
Jennifer, I hope that your putting boundaries does not turn out how mine did -and it doesn't have to -each relationship is different. Maybe a letter would help him and I will pray that he can understand the value of your SELF.

Comment by Dana on February 1, 2009 at 7:32am

Jennifer,
I agree with Megan in that it is their inability to accept a boundary. It seems as if it is their way of escaping dealing with a problem. I've been married for 20 years and, although it has improved, I have a difficult time resolving issues because of the anger or, for me, it is more avoidance to resolve an issue when I set up a boundary. The boundary becomes the problem instead of our problem. I'm also not sure what to do when this arises?
I don't think you are being selfish at all to want to be spoken to with respect. I don't know what it is you are setting boundaries for but if it is to protect yourself or it's for something that needs to be resolved in the marriage to help it get stronger then you are definitely not being selfish. I know it gets confusing when we are new at setting boundaries and are afraid to ask for things from our relationships. I'm like this often. I feel "bad" for the other person as if I did something wrong asking for something that I need. At times I'm not even sure what I need or want which makes it difficult to set boundaries. How do we find out what we need or want? I do pray a lot, ask God to direct me and bless my decisions. Does anyone else have any suggestions?
One thing I did with my husband was write him a letter (during a time when we weren't having boundary issues) and explained to him how much I loved him and wanted our marriage to grow. I explained to him why I'm setting boundaries (to make our marriage stronger) and hoped that he would grow with me because I didn't want to leave him behind spiritually and emotionally, not physically leave him. My husband isn't physically or mentally abusive but has a hard time facing problems and can't seem to deal with imperfections in himself. I'm also not sure how much he believes in the Lord being our Savior. I don't know if your husband would be receptive to reading a letter but it did help my husband understand where I was coming from. I wasn't putting him down or being a bully. I was standing up for myself and wanted to be treated with respect and not anger. We are still a work in progress and it is a lot of work! Can anyone else give any input?

• First
• Previous
• Next
• Last