Drug and Alcohol

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Comment by Dana on November 10, 2009 at 10:45am

Sounds like a good book with wise advice. I too have always felt that I am to love and I have interpreted that to mean - make him happy. I guess there is a difference between the two. Sometimes loving is choosing the tough path, the path that may cause pain. Something to think about.

Comment by Ruth on November 10, 2009 at 8:12am

Hi friends. There is so much help out there for us. I am seeking help and support of others and groups and counselors so that I can live a better life. A redeemed life in Christ who died for our freedom. Going ahead with confidence is my plan although I dont know exactly what is going to happen. This is a valley for me and that is where spiritual growth occurs and I'm trusting God and surrendering this problem daily because I believe God is watching over me. He won't control others because he gives us all freedom. I shouldn't control others either, which I've been doing. My behaviors came from a lack of boundaries and weak threats which did nothing to improve my situation. This is something I am intensely working on. Getting help to change my life for the better, setting firm boundaries and protecting myself and my kids from evil. Henry Cloud says we need to "bind" evil, not let it go on. We aren't being obedient to Christ when we try to please the addict, but are obedient when we stop the evil and protect ourselves. This is from Changes that HEal book. I've always thought keeping the other person happy or comfortable was my goal. My goal is NOT the addict's comfort. I now realize this. I've been so sick because I've had the wrong goal. Learning and praying... Later

Comment by lisa saunders on November 2, 2009 at 11:17am

Dear Ruth, I was reading some of your posts and could not help thinking that I know a few of us that do exactly as you do...you are not alone. And God is always present because HE took on the entire world's baggage. We can not take emotional baggage unless we have learned to surrender our lives to HIM successfully, and that means literally deciding to leave it on HIS alter each time we take these emotional issues upon ourselves. I dont believe we can avoid some things the world puts on us; however we can try to limit what is being transferred from family and friends. We should read and educate ourselves on these feelings and learn what triggers our emotions, so that we can know how we react to certain problems. After all just because someone is a counselor doesnt make them an authority in all areas.. ie: specializes in teenage alcohol abuse...or post partum depression in mothers..We can be as mother's wanting to fix everyone's problems just because we want to be good mothers. If I tried to talk with everyone I came into contact with that needed one, I would not have time to care for myself, let alone my child. I have been known to take on people and their problems, but I pray and seek God's guidance. And the person I am helping must begin to acknowledge God, or I can not continue to enable (if that is what I'am doing) If the person's needs are medical and monitary that which is beyond my control..I must get an organization or church involved, to assist.I can also offer books or medical numbers (I have purchased books for them) also taken them to places that could help them. I would like to thank you for your heart for hurting people, which is all of us at some point in our lives. It is hard to struggle in life, but that is when God is transforming us into HIS image. We learned not to show our hurts, maybe we can learn to be comfortable and wait on the Lord in all things. I too am on this path...in Jesus's name Amen

Comment by Dana on November 2, 2009 at 10:16am

It is amazing how messed up we can get with so little conscious thought. Even when we are trying to be loving, trying to raise responsible kids, trying to encourage...we sometimes hurt those we love the most. Unrealistic expectatiions, pats on the back that carry hidden (if only to us) messages, etc. I recently saw a video in church showing how everything we go through piles on bricks of expecatations and hurts and how that forms who we are. I guess it is all about learning to let go and learning to turn to God. I am a definite control freak, always wanting to fix everyone's problems (especially my adult children's) and wanting to present a certain picture to the world. I am not materialistic but I still want people to see a happy marriage... I don't want the world to see the struggles and unhappiness that is often just below the surface.

Comment by Ruth on November 1, 2009 at 6:59am

Another thought on Boundaries in Marriage book, law #1 which is sowing and reaping. This is a spiritual principle and we enablers interrupt the process by not letting the addict or whoever experience the consequences of what they've done. We jump in and take over all the consequences and we suffer and get sicker, more depressed, anxious and crazy and the addict sits there like "all is well, life is great" with no consequence for them. We really need to think through what we are doing and we also reap what we sow. I was reading last night (Beth Moore, i think) about my responsibility to sow seeds of righteousness because my future is also about what I sow into my own life. This is my thought for the morning. Later....

Comment by Ruth on October 31, 2009 at 11:16am

Thanks David. I'll buy that book. Parents are supposed to be raising future adults, not future children. I think my parents, mother especially, was threatened by us if we had an opinion. We were NOT allowed to have any feelings or grow up and be independent. One of my siblings still won't disobey his mother, and he is 45. He is supposed to be acting like an adult, but really is still a child, and children obey they parents. Adults honor their parents, but make their own adult decisions. (I listen to New Life on the radio every day....that is where I'm getting this). My mother still tries to manipulate my actions when I'm around our hometown because she still needs things to look a certain way. She did not want me coming home for a celebration that involved a street dance and live music because her church friends would know that I was there. We were not allowed to attend dances when growing up. Anyway, I'll buy the book.

Comment by David Norman on October 31, 2009 at 11:02am

The book Toxic parents, speaks about the predominate philosophy and approach to parenting that overcasts the US culture and it's origins. It's a real eye opener, how many assumptions we make each day just from how we were brought up to think and believe. One thing that has helped me so much in life, is simply trying to listen to the similarties between me and others, rather than trying to be unique. For myself as Ruth mentioned, I don't want the second half of my life to remotely resemble my father's or grand father's lives at all. Everyone knows the saying, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, I'd like to think that I can become a totally different man than my dad or grand father way. I always remember dad making sure that I knew that I was just like his father, over and over and over through the years, what I actually believe my dad was trying to do, was express his own disappointments and anger toward his dad by portraying them on my life. My father is entitled to his opinion, but it doesn't translate into a fact about who I am as a person, I've had to forgive him for trying to put his unresolved and misguided emotions of his relationship with his father on my life. There's been alot of healing taking place in my life, mostly by just feeling my emotions rather than surpressing them and repressing them, working through feelings and learning to process feelings and emotions rather than hide them and pretend they don't exist. God has been pilling away the layers of my soul and heart like peeling a onion, the deeper we go the stronger the stink.
love you all, thanks for the support
david

Comment by David Norman on October 31, 2009 at 10:51am

Hello Ruth and Dana, when I read your posts I totally identified with the internal conflicts, the who making us like children instead of adults is so true. In fact what I can see is that my overly controlling parents were preoccupied with keeping things the way they were when I was 10 years old, they never really transitioned out of that parent role and allowed me to form a healthy separation, I think often parents abandon their relationship to one another, they forsake it for the relationship to the children, and once the children become old enough to begin entering adulthood, that natural separation that should take place geopardizes the glue that is holding the parents together, at least in my case. Rather than raising me and preparing me and instructing me how to be independant and make good choices in my life, my parents were preoccupied with controlling my life and making my choices for me. I read a book a few months back called TOXIC PARENTS, by Susan someday, pick a copy up and I think you will really enjoy it. It speaks about the silent rule, the silent rule being that you never discuss how you feel and you never express your feelings, your preprogrammed and conditioned in childhood to repress emotions and feelings rather than process them, like you said Ruth, you stay stagnant. I'll have to get the book changes that Heal, sounds like a good read.

Comment by Ruth on October 31, 2009 at 6:35am

Dana, the divorce of your parents when you were 8 could have been a factor, along with the absent father. Not sure. Who knows, but I'd love to keep in touch because we definitely need others on this journey. I'll pray for you.

Comment by LINDA D'ANTONIO on October 31, 2009 at 5:50am

HI , EVERYONE HAVEN'T BEEN ON FOR AWHILE... READING EVERYTHING AND YOUR R HITING HOME ON EVERYTHING U R SAYING.
ALEXANDRA STILL IN RECOVERY HOUSE IN FLORIDA.. PRAYING AND KNOWING GOD WILL DELIVER HER AND USE HER FOR ALL HIS GLORY.
IT IS FAITH THAT GETS YOU THROUGH TOUGH TIMES.
HE DELIVERED MY HUSBAND AND HE WILL TAKE CARE OF ALEX.
PRAYER IS ALSO THE KEY.. I COULD USE MORE.
THANKS, LINDA

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