Drug and Alcohol

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Comment by Jennifer on October 30, 2008 at 8:30pm

Thanks Ruth...he did go to counseling for a couple of months last spring. I was surprised he sought out help, but he did not complete the task of getting healthy. I am trying to dialogue with him in a way that is gentle, yet firm. Hard!! I am sooo much more sensitive to people who serve our country in the military now. I have seen the effects in a way that I never had before.

Comment by Ruth on October 30, 2008 at 8:23pm

Jennifer, has your boyfriend considered counseling? He needs help and compassion. God bless him for defending our country. That would be so hard, to come back and then have post traumatic stress. Perhaps he'll agree to talk to someone. Hugs....

Comment by Jennifer on October 30, 2008 at 3:45pm

I wonder if anyone has any thoughts...the boyfriend i mentioned yesterday with a drinking problem is a military veteran who fought in Iraq. He has PTSD which has led to the drinking - probably as a way to get to sleep and push thoughts out of his mind. Knowing this makes me feel a little bad for leaving him...like I am kicking someone when they are already down. Thoughts?

Comment by Dana on October 30, 2008 at 9:14am

Jennifer, I say run. You are just in the dating stage. If there are problems now and he is not committed to fixing them - for himself - it will only get worse. You need to be realistic in comparing his words and his actions. It is easy to fall in love with someone but it is hard to live with alcohol and the related problems.

Comment by Ruth on October 30, 2008 at 6:28am

Stephanie, I was thinking about what Dry drunk means. A friend at al anon said her husband is that. He is sober, but very paranoid and calls her at work to see if she's at her desk. If she isn't, he panics and accuses her of cheating with the boss or coworker. He went to an outpatient alcohol treatment facility that did some minimal counseling, but he won't go to any meetings now. HE just doesn't drink anymore. I was surprised that when a person quits drinking that they still don't see things clearly and start maturing. That scared me because my husband is still drinking. He drinks much less, and is very careful about drinking in front of our kids or family. I am not sure how this will end, except that I know for sure, that I will be a better person, stronger, closer to Christ, and support groups. I am determined to lead a full, rich life enjoying my friends, travel and hobbies with or without him. He gets to choose if he participates in life with us or not.

Comment by Ruth on October 29, 2008 at 7:33pm

Jennifer and Stephanie, Al Anon is so helpful. Jennifer, I'd recommend you attend meetings and just listen to what is going on. the literature they provide and guidance can give you support before you tell him your boundaries. I'd really get some co dependency books and start seeing how you've enabled him. Help yourself and take care of yourself, because when you get with an alcoholic, they control your life and then you try to control them back. It is a crazy relationship. I'd recommend Melody Beattie's book, Co Dependent No More. That has alot of the same information you'll get in Al Anon. But I still recommend going to the group to be with people. You will need support.
Hugs....

Comment by Jennifer on October 29, 2008 at 6:13pm

Hi friends...I am wondering what you all think. I am wondering what to say to a man I have been dating for 2 years who just told me he has an alcohol (and I suspect more) problem. He admitted it but then seemed to 'forget' that he said he has an issue. So...I want to set boundaries and I am not really sure what or how to say it. My gut reaction is to tell him to contact me only after he has already started to get help for his addiction. I dont want to hear that he is thinking about getting help - but that he actually IS getting help. Does that sound fair?
thanks :)

Comment by Stephanie on October 29, 2008 at 3:03pm

Ruth we are in this one together! My husband is an alcoholic, he's been sober for 3.5 years, but since he never really overcame the real reason why he was drinking in the first place...he has been operating as a Dry Drunk all this time. In an effort to separate myself from and to stop taking on so much of his struggle I went to my first Al-ANon meeting last week...it was so refreshing to hear other people's stories of drama and chaos that they had experienced at home and with the grace of God--OVERCAME IT! It gave me hope and motivated me to keep coming back, take one day at a time, and to start doing the steps to take care of me! Going to Al Anon is one of the best things we can do for ourselves right now. Let's keep going back and sharing with each other during this process.

Comment by Chailatte on October 29, 2008 at 11:24am

Hi Ruth,

I think going to Al Anon is the best thing for you! I would encourage you to keep going. We can't cure the person who is addicted (only they and God can!) So, since the only thing we can cure and control is ourselves- we need support for that!

If you go to the Drug & Alcohol Forum, there is another woman (Dana) discussing this very thing- maybe you and she can be of help to each other!

Hugs & Prayers,
ChaiLatte

Comment by Ruth on October 29, 2008 at 9:43am

Does anyone have any advice for living with an alcoholic? I just started attending al anon which really has helped. I was wondering how a group could help with this crazy situation, and a friend dragged me to the first meeting. I would have never attended without someone going with me and sitting next to me for support. It is hard to admit that you are so messed up and are living with a drinker. Facing the truth has helped so much, and I will keep taking care of myself and attending meetings.

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