Drug and Alcohol

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Comment by Dana on October 30, 2009 at 10:00pm

I don't know what it is in my life that is unresolved and I am not sure how to figure it out. I was never abused. My parents were divorced when I was about 8 and my dad was absent a lot but I don't know how that would relate to my choices? There was no alcoholism or drug addiction in my family (at least not my parents, grandparents, etc.).
What I don't understand is how I can be intelligent and successful in business but not in love?

Comment by Ruth on October 30, 2009 at 8:44pm

Changes that Heal says we may not have bonded in family of origin. This makes us like a child instead of an adult. Or, a trauma or emotional injury keeps one stagnant, an adolescent, instead of going through normal development into adulthood, with the ability to own ourselves, our ideas, feelings and be honest and grown up enough to set limits. We had our boundaries crosses, perhaps by various types of abuse. This stunts our emotional growth, and we then are not able to set limits on others. They freely cross our boundaries ( addictions, abuse) and we suffer and they just get to keep on doing whatever they want. They stay irresponsible (ease, nothing changes, and no consequences) and we suffer, depressed, anxious, miserable. So, being in a group, learning to bond, getting counseling and stopping the evil of boundary crossers (addicts, using us, injuring us...) can get us moving forward toward a life lived as more of an adult. Making decisions for our lives toward healing and limiting the abuse we tolerated before. When we fail to set boundaries and let the abuser/addict continue just like they've always done, we get depression, anxiety, panic, resentment, passive agressive behavior, codependency, identity confusion, difficulty being alone, masochism, victim mentality, blaming, procrastination, isolation, etc. This is all from CHANGES that HEAL book. In my own reading of this, and writing in the workbook, I can see over and over how i've messed up in my past. It is no surprise at all that I'm in this situation. I can see how I've failed to be a whole, complete adult, although I've been doing Bible Study and reading many great books for years. There still is an emotional injury in me from past sexual abuse and my parents covering it up and telling me it was my fault. A good counselor is also something I'm looking for right now. This book is showing me I've got a long way to go, but it is doable. I am willing to work on myself. My plan is to have the last half of my life (i'm 43 yrs old) much better and stronger than the first half. Also, I am praying about the years the locust has eaten. I believe God will answer that prayer, and I'm asking for beauty for ashes, and joy and restoration.

Comment by Dana on October 30, 2009 at 8:26pm

Ruth, I know exactly what you are saying. I was married at 17 to a drug addict (though I did not understand that at the time), my second was to an alcoholic and pot smoker, and my 3rd (and longest) to a drug addict and alcoholic. I have never drank or used drugs. I often ask what is wrong with me? Why have I chosen (keep chosing) those that do? Not just use but are addicted. Why? The million dollar question. Maybe if I ever figure me out I will be able to make changes in MY life.

Comment by Ruth on October 30, 2009 at 7:36pm

I am still trying to figure out why I've put up with the strife of an alcoholic situation for so long. What is so broken in me that I couldn't honestly tell him (until recently)that i was miserable and that the drinking constantly in our home was not ok? No one taught me to honestly tell someone what was hurting me and to speak the truth. Not that it is someone else's fault, but my abusive family of origin did not help. I was taught to cover up, smile and not tell anyone what was going on in our home. After all, we were in church all the time and were known for being religious. So that is why I am now in Al Anon and am reading Boundaries (H. Cloud and John Townsend) and Al Anon material. so much in me is broken, but with help and support I can do the work and get better. I have much hope for a better life for myself and my own growth into true adulthood where I set limits and pursue a good future for myself. God is my refuge, and I am filled with hope. Also appreciate you all and the honest sharing that we are doing on this blog.

Comment by David Norman on October 30, 2009 at 7:18pm

Brad, The first thing you have to admit is your an alcoholic and if you are and only you can know if you have a problem with alcohol, your going to have an alcoholic mind and thinking. I know one alcoholic who attend meetings 10 years mostly drunk during the meetings before they finally began working the steps and got sober, they've been sober over 20 years now, it also sounds like you've not had enough, when you've had enough you'll quit. Like they say in AA, if you quit for any other reason but yourself, you will relapse, I quite because it was ruining my life, it didn't fix the pain inside it made it worse. It worked for a while though. One problem is we want to turn AA into an event, we want that silver bullet that cure all that gets us off the bottle, it's a daily reprieve. It sounds like from your description that your just a functional alcoholic. Alcohol had taken over my life, and I reached a point in life where I couldn't live life any longer with alcohol and I couldn't live life without alcohol. Are you attending AA meetings? Working the steps and talking to your sponsor every day? I will never forget, attending my second or third meeting and a little bald headed guy gave me a big hug after a meeting and looked at me and told me, David, maybe your one of the alcoholics that has to die in order for us to live. It really got my attention because I was planning on drinking that night, but I didn't. Now I have been sober for over a year, and I don't ever want to go back to the hell of the bottle. I have to ask God for the willingness, because God knows I am extremely stubborn and stuck in my ways. All the best to you.
Remember, keep a cork in the bottle and keep coming back.

Comment by Dana on October 30, 2009 at 6:04pm

Brad, the fact that you are working a program and seem genuninely interested in beating this is at least half the battle. I am sure your wife is at a big a loss as to explain things as your are. As for God delivering you from this, don't give up on him. Maybe he just wants you to keep coming to him instead of depending on your own strength? Satan is a great pretender and he will do whatever it takes to make you think that God does not care or that you are failing God and your family. Based on your description of your life and your marriage I would say neither are true. My best advice is to take it one day at a time, stay in a program, and pray- without ceasing. With God's help, you will beat this.

Comment by Brad on October 30, 2009 at 5:58pm

Dana, thank you for your input. I've been married for twenty four years . My drinking only became a problem about seven years ago. Recently I have been having pretty many victories for which I am thankful. But I still go back to drinking every now and then. I'm really not sure why. My counsellor says it is because I am alcoholic. My pastor says it is due to idols in my heart. I'm just not sure why I can't just say "no" and be done with the drinking. I don't have problems in life that many people would use as excuses to drink. I have a decent job, my bills are all paid, I have a loving supportive wife. So I don't really have any good reasons to want to or need to drink. I don't know if I am trying to have someone else be responsible for my sobriety Dana. I know that my own heart can be fooling me into thinking one thing or another. I go to Celebrate Recovery groups, I have a men's accountability group that I go to. In AA they say "fake it until you make it" Maybe that is just what I need to do. If God were going to deliver me from drinking I would think that he would have done it by now. Maybe not, I just don't know. I'm not going to give up the fight though, I just get weary sometimes. Again thank you for your input Dana.

Comment by Dana on October 30, 2009 at 5:50pm

Karla, only you can decide if you can live with this. We often marry with blinders on and/or think the other person will change, one, because they love us and two, because we really want them to. Unfortunately, it is usually the other way around. Bad habits get worse or at least seem worse.
People can change but my experience with drugs and particularly, marijuana, is that it is not going to. Certainly not if he does not see it as a problem.
I recommend 2 things, go to alanon or Celebrate Recovery and take care of YOU, and then pray, pray without ceasing as God is bigger then this.

Comment by Karla Summers on October 30, 2009 at 5:17pm

My husband stays high day and night. His drug of choice is marijana. He does not think he has a problem just something he says he enjoys. I am celebrating five years of marriage and am asking myself if this is what I want. I gave it over to God over a year ago but its always there. We have no communication because we are both angry. He can't get past me trying to control who he is. I knew when I married him that he used but I was not aware that it was all the time.

Comment by Dana on October 30, 2009 at 3:53pm

Brad, I don't know how long you have been married or how long you have had a drinking problem but it sounds to me like you are trying to make others responsible for your sobriety. Yes, in some ways it is easier to enable then to stand up but understand that empty consequences do nothing to help either party. By the time someone is willing to give consequences and stick to them, they may also be nearing the time they are ready to give up. Your wife is suffering too and I am sure she wishes she were able to put up some limits and boundaries but is afraid to, afraid of what the consequences will be to her life.

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