Drug and Alcohol

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Comment by LINDA D'ANTONIO on April 1, 2009 at 4:24am

BEFFORE ALEX WAS BORN I DEALT WITH MY HUSBANDS ADDICTION. HE WENT TO ALTER AND HAS BEEN CLEAN AND SOBER FOR 22 YEARS.
THIS IS WHY I AM SO HEART BROKEN THAT THIS CHILD WOULD BE THE ONE WITH THE ADDICTION. SHE WAS A STUDENT . NEVER GAVE US TROUBLE.. IN THE END I KNOW WITH ALL MY HEART GOD WILL RESTORE.. HE WILL NEVER LEAVE HER OR FORSAKE HER. THANKS FOR ALL SUPPORT. AND KEEP IT COMING . I NEED IT.. GOD BLESS

Comment by Ruth on March 31, 2009 at 8:07pm

Dana, I feel better having thought about your comments for awhile. It has finally gotten into my head, the idea that I get to make my own decisions for what I want in life. I have felt very controlled for so long. Out of control, and very depressed. Now I have help with Al Anon group and advice. I still am not sure if I'll set certain boundaries or do an intervention. Thinking and praying about it. I have been searching my heart and feel that my anger, frustration, yelling and looking at all the bad in my husband, instead of the good, has hurt this situation. I have not acknowledged any good in him. He really is smart, educated, hard working and is really trying to be a good dad. I really think that we are progressing, by talking truth, prayer, getting support. Things are better than they were 5 years ago. Anyway, just wanted to say Hi to all friends on the blog. Thanks for being there.

Comment by Deb on March 16, 2009 at 6:49pm

Hi Ruth, I will be praying for you. Please heed Dana's advice, she sounds like a wise woman. I am a recovering alcoholic and I also agree with Robert's advice...it's time for some tough love. Our addiction can fool us into believing we do not have a problem. We need God's help, but the alcoholic/addict has to accept help and God before they can get sober.

Comment by Dana on March 16, 2009 at 11:04am

Meant to say Ruth dealt with adversity and trouble (but she dealt with diversity too).

Comment by Dana on March 16, 2009 at 11:00am

People do care. Lots of them. If you are already tied into an Al Anon group you should have people there to help and support you. There are also Celebrate Recovery groups all over the place (Biblical based group). This site has a great counseling program (New Life) that would be invaluable in givng you support.

The one thing I have learned is your life is your life. What others have gone through will help you recognize patterns and problems, but you alone must determine what is acceptable in your life and how much you are willing to put up with. It now becomes about what you can live with and what you can't accept. You need to start with a frank and honest discussion with your husband (when he is sober if that is possible) about what he is doing, he may try to deny it. You do not have to be accusatory. You can simply state examples. Then you need to tell him that he gets to CHOOSE what he wants for his life just as you are going to CHOOSE what you want and can accept in your life (keeping in mind that you are also choosing for your children).

Once boundaries are set, then you are no longer the one in control or in charge. Each of you makes the decision of what to do. If he is an alcoholic (and based on your description he probably is) then he will have to choose one of two paths - to seek honest help to quit drinking completely or to continue on the current path of self destruction. You have to decide what your actions are going to be when he makes his choice. Stay in it and try to make the best life you can knowing that you will continue to have the same problems over and over, and possibly/probably escalating problems. Or, make him move out or you move out until he is willing to get help (probably should wait until he is getting help and can demonstrate his intent to stay sober).

The FIRST thing you must do (and do continually) is to seek GOD. Pray like your life depends on it (it does) and pray continually. ASK God to work in your husband's life. Ask God to guide and direct you. Ask God to make sure the decisions you are being forced to make are within His will. LISTEN to to quiet voice that speaks to you. SEEK His peace.

If you do not believe he will choose help, then you need to be prepared to do what it is you said you would do. It is CRITICAL that you do not make empty threats. I would also suggest that before you do this you have made some kind of arrangement or know what it is you will do. You need to consider his willingness to move out if you ask him to or where you and your children will go if he chooses not to move out. You need to have some money available at least for the short term. ETC. Think things through so that if it comes down to it you can actually do it.

Do not hide your husbands actions. Do not cover for your husband. Let him deal with the consequences of his actions. Sure, you are affected too, which is why you must protect yourself.

No matter what you do, you do not get to choose FOR your husband, no matter how much you want to. No matter how simple it seems to you. No matter how clear the choice is to you. YOU only get to choose for YOU.

ALWAYS keep you and your children physically safe.

Your husbands employer or co-workers may know more than you think. If it is affecting his home life it could be affecting is job. It would be better for him to voluntarily seek help then be fired or ordered into help. I don't know this for fact, but I think it would be better for HIM to be the one to seek help from his employer and not you. It really depends on your relationship with them, do you personally know the boss? Is it a large corporation where there is simply a "department" that handles human resources? A counselor could probably advise you on this avenue.

As for your kids "needing" their dad. Yes, they do. They need a dad that loves them, cares for them, trains them up in the way they should go, and protects them. Is he doing all that? Or is he harming them. Spiritually, mentally, or physically? They will learn by his example. That does not mean that just because he drinks he is not a good dad. It does not mean that they don't need and love him. It just means that - for a time - it may be better if he was removed from their lives while he gets healthy. They will always love him, and they will always want to protect him. They may even feel and say that YOU are the one that is ruining everything. This is when it is oh so tough to be a parent, but be a parent you must.

I will pray for you. Have you read the story of Ruth in the Bible? She was a strong woman who dealt with diversity and trouble, who stood up and did the right thing and ended up being rewarded for it. My mother's name was Ruth. She was a wonderful woman and I am sure you are too. Now turn it all over to God and seek his wisdom and his help.

With much sympathy,
Dana

Comment by Ruth on March 16, 2009 at 5:48am

Thanks Robert. It is good to know someone understands. I am facing the situation thinking that, make something happen, make him move out if he won't get help, but it takes support. Doing something scary like this without support is setting myself up to fail, or back down. Support, people and Al anon will help me be firm and follow through with what I say to him. Thanks again. It feels good knowing people care.

Comment by LINDA D'ANTONIO on March 14, 2009 at 9:08am

trust, trust and more trust. God will answer your prayer.

Comment by Robert G. on March 12, 2009 at 2:39pm

Hello Ruth.

My name is Robert, One thing that I can say you is that I used to denied that I had a problem. 15 years ago my wife gave me an ultimatum to either get help or she was moving out with the kids. I made my wife and other love ones suffer a lot and I regret that.

One day by the Grace of God, I stop drinking and I haven't touch it since. One thing for sure is that if I ever went back to drinking that would be my fall.

Ruth, do what my wife did and make him get help. Don't give him an easy out. Can you go to his employer and ask them for help? Would he got in trouble if they found out that your husband drinks?

Friend, I'll be praying for you the kids and also your husband. God can do miracles. Nothing is impossible for Him.

God bless you and be strong.

Comment by Ruth on March 12, 2009 at 7:44am

Can anyone help? My husband denies he is an alcoholic, and i am attending Al Anon. I plan to talk to an addiction counselor and see if we can do an intervention. I am so freaked out. Ready to set big limits - make him move out or something, but that would be hard on the kids. i think they "need" him too much and might be upset about him not living with us. I cant' stand the lying anymore and pretending he is not drinking much. He hides booze all over and drinks in the morning on weekends. He lies and says he "never" does that and I am making it up. His employer has a program for treatment of employees, but they don't know about this. Any ideas....

Comment by LINDA D'ANTONIO on February 13, 2009 at 8:27am

oops ! she accepted god in her life at 5 years of age.

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