Sexual Abuse

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Comment by Acacia Anthis on September 16, 2009 at 8:28am

Good Morning Judi. The answer about the self-abuse is that, I'm an self-injurer. And that's the reason I went back to counseling this time (scared myself), the other reason is about the abuse. But unfortunately they go hand in hand.
Anyway, I wanted to let you know that a few things have happened since I last spoke with you. I did make contact with a old college buddy of mine. While I didn't tell her my whole story - sort of beat around the bush with it. I do know her story and some of it is similar to mine. She's very persistent and in knowledgable in God's Word and trusts Him fully, unlike me. She mentioned to me what helped her and suggested that I try it also. The suggested idea is to write it out - the whole thing, then speak it out/practice saying it, and then tell it or read it out loud, beginning first with my counselor, because he won't judge me. So Thursday is my session - which doesn't give me much time to practice, but I will try to be brave. And if it doesn't happen, there's always the next or the next time. I really want to do this, no, I need to do this.
Thank you for caring Judi and for listening.
I will pray for you as well.

Comment by judi on September 16, 2009 at 1:06am

Hey Acacia! I've been thinking about you...and praying. Maybe your life long friend is not the one for you to talk to. I just don't know. You really need to pray about it....for God's leading.

You do have this group to talk to. I am sorry to say that none of us have been very active lately. It helps when there is feedback from several different people. Kind of keeps us all headed in the right direction. I will check in every day...morning and night.

I am so happy that you are hopeful for the future!

What do you do to yourself that you consider self-abuse? I really want to know. On 09-13 you ask how do we learn to trust. It is really hard, sometimes, but in our journey to a healthier emotional state we need to be vulnerable. We need to open up to others. It's very difficult to help someone that isn't honest and open. I am not saying you are not honest....not in the least, but we do need to be honest.... especially to ourselves. I don't see you as a person in denial, not at all. I am sure your counselor is quite aware how hard it is for you to open up. Have you told him how hard it is. Maybe that would be a start in your being able to open up to him.

Speaking of being honest, I haven't talked to the widows yet. I am going to e-mail them as soon as I get done here. I talked to a very dear friend of mine tonight. My best friend from High School. Just called to wish her Happy BD. We talked for quite awhile and she asked me how I was doing. She knew something was wrong. I had no intention of telling her tonight (because of her BD) but I am so glad I did. I feel better because I told her and she feels better because she was able to give me her love and total support. She said, "I am glad you told me....now I know how to pray for you." I think that says a lot right there. It is Biblical that we do turn to one another and ASK for help. I don't know where exactly in the Bible it addresses this issue but it's something about the church body helping one another. Anyone out there that knows what I'm talking about?

I know I don't need to convince you that you need to share your feelings open and honestly. I know you want that! I think, eventually, you will be able to tell your story to someone that is in the same place you are, right now. It may take years before you are able to do that....or maybe it won't. : )

Right now you need to concentrate on getting out of your present depression and the other issues you sometimes deal with. You have to make the right choices that will help you get there. As I already said, "if you are serious about healing.....expect to go through hell." It won't all be "hell" but there will be times when you feel that way.

I would like to urge you to get the book, Healing Is A Choice, by Steve Arterburn. If you can't afford it go to the Library or call used book stores. You will probably want your own copy so you can make notes in it and highlight different points.

I am going to copy some things Steve says about his book, then I will say good night.

"This book is about your healing and the choices you have to make to experience the healing God has for you.

You may have picked up this book at the beginning of your healing journey. I am thrilled if you have, because you are seeking healing earlier than most. I am hoping this will usher you through the process with wisdom you may not have previously experienced. I pray that even though I have not lived my life perfectly, as I share it I hope it will give you some definite direction and point you to directions that will help. Unlike some counseling sessions, during which you have to guess at what is important to deal with, I want to help you address the priorities for healing." Steve certainly does that! This book is totally Christ centered. You can get this on CD.

Good night and God bless..........judi

~ it's never 2 late 2 telsum1 ~

Comment by Acacia Anthis on September 15, 2009 at 9:50pm

Greetings Judi. I want to thank you for your positive outlook on life. It gives me hope that there is a light somewhere in the future, as it bothers me to be so down/depressed and worn out most of the time.
To answer your question, my friend of 24 years does not know about the abuse. It wasn't until about a month ago that I told her that I am/was struggling with self-abuse. And she took it like a grain of sand, like that wouldn't change anything. Since then, she has been very supportive in that area. She has told me that she knows that something bad has happened in my past - that she can 'sense' it, but when I've tried to tell her, it's as if she doesn't want to know, as she changes the subject every time. And so, I haven't told her.

Comment by judi on September 15, 2009 at 1:32pm

Hey Acacia!

I think I can come up with a number, or two, you can call for someone to pray with you. However, I am pretty sure that there is no "over the phone counseling" of any kind. At least, not with the resourses I have.

Are you saying your close friend of 24 years does not know of your abuse or does not know of your present struggles? If she does know about the abuse, etc. and you trust her, and know that she will be understanding and supportive.....talk to her!! You have got to open up to someone! Who better than a close friend of many years.

Acacia, I understand how hard it is to share with even a close friend. I lost my husband to Lou Gehrigs Disease in Oct of 2007. He was suffering and facing possibly years of excruciating pain and more suffering. It was a blessing to me and my family that God took him when He did. The fact that he is home with his Lord and Saviour and no longer suffering.....far outweighs my pain.

I feel extremely blessed. I have the support of my family and friends and I feel my grieving has been relatively easy. I think mostly because I am "serious" about my pain being less because my husband is no longer suffering and is home with our heavely Father. This doesn't have anything to do with healing from sexual abuse, but I want to give you a little background so you will be assured that *I really do understand.* Several months ago I joined a small group of widows from our church. I am sure you can understand how close we have become. We all love the Lord and have grown to love each other. No one can better understand how I feel than other widows. I trust each and every gal in the group, but have not been able to share with them what has been on my heart for the last couple of months. They know I have been "down physically" due to several health issues, but there is a factor that they aren't aware of. It is not going to surprise you, but the thing I can't tell these dear women is that in the last couple of months I have missed my husband so much and have been so depressed I can hardly stand it. (I have been down physically off and on for years, but this is different). I know they will understand and to a lot of you reading this it might seem like "no big deal" and why can't I tell them.

I am not prideful, but I have always had a positive attitude towards life and I know my walk with the Lord is real. As I have said before, I lean on the Holy Spirit for nuturing and guidance daily. I almost deleted all this about my understanding your struggle but something tells me NO. That something, I am sure, is the Holy Spirit! I prayed before I started this and I actually stopped during this writing and prayed, again, for Him to give me the right words. I just feel it is so very important that you do share your struggles with someone soon.

I am going to take my own advice and tell the group just how very depressed I have been. It seems kind of silly to me, now, that I am have had such difficulty talking to them about my depression. However, the feelings I have been going through are not silly! I hope this will encourage you to share with your close friend. I can't stress it enough....you have got to begin opening up to someone. Take baby steps if you need.

You can do it Acacia.....you already have done so much in your healing journey!

God is here for you....and so are we!

Love, Hugs and Prayers.........judi

~ it's never 2 late 2 telsum1 ~

Comment by judi on September 15, 2009 at 10:24am

Dear Acacia,

My heart goes out to you and I never thought for a moment that you are making excuses. I didn't realize just how difficult it really is for you to open up. I am so grateful that you have joined this group. It seems that you feel safe here. I certainly hope so.

I can see, at this point even the smallest possible recovery group is too much for you right now. Do you think you would be comfortable talking to someone over the phone. I know there is a ministry where you can call and talk to someone. It may be just to call in with a prayer request but I think it is much more than that. I called New Life but they don't have anything like that. I am going to find out for you and post it as soon as I get the right info.

I have personally seen God work a miracle and things just short of a miracle. I know He is there for you. Don't forget that you are indwelled with the Holy Spirit. That is Powerful! Lean on Him! Pray! Your prayers can just be short and to the point. You don't have to get down on your knees for God to hear you. Although, it is good to do at least once in awhile.

I am going to close so I can search for the ministry I am thinking of.

Please don't lose hope Acacia. God loves you and He wants you to be free of your fears.

Love and hugs..........judi

Comment by Acacia Anthis on September 15, 2009 at 7:52am

Thank you Judi for your words.
No confusion on the Christian counselor part - as that' s the only type I seek out. I am single - as the dating life scares the life from me. Literally. Panic attacks - different story.
The last counselor I had was a female - she was the one who said that I had 'graduated'. This current counselor is male. Having worked with both in the past, I find it rather difficult to talk openly to either, as my defenses are always up. Sounds a bit odd I know. I find I don't fit in the 'norm' when selecting a counselor, for example: women usually pick female counselors because women counselors are supportive of women and woman's needs, etc.
It takes a very long time before I can openly express to anyone (friends included) about my truest feelings. I have a close friend that I've known for 24 years or so, and she doesn't know. I struggle with letting anyone in. I don't know how to let go, to drop those defenses.
I have reread what was posted to God's Child. I have heard of CR and actually tried going once or twice, but getting my feet in the front door was too excruciating for me - they felt like piles of concrete. Please understand that I'm not trying to make excuses. I just don't know where to turn or what to do.

Comment by judi on September 13, 2009 at 6:29pm

cece....

Thank you for your kind words. I receive much more from this group than I give.

Love, prayers and hugs........judi

Comment by kathy on September 13, 2009 at 4:16pm

judi,

You said in one of your post you had been gone for a time from the group. I wanted to welcome you back and let you know I feel your experience and insight is a great benefit to the group. God bless, kathy

Comment by judi on September 13, 2009 at 1:28pm

Dear Acacia,

So sorry you are struggling so desparately. My first thought was "maybe you need to change counselors." Was the counselor you trusted a male? Perhaps you need a female to confide in. Most important, I feel....you need a Christian Counselor. New Life can advise you on this. I hope this doesn't confuse you even more.

Healing from any kind of abuse is a life long process. We are *never finished* in our healing process. There are a lot of good books out there. My favorite is Healing is a Choice, by Steve Arterburn. Great advice and totally Christ centered. You don't mention if you are married or not. If you are, it would be good for your husband to read it too. There is another book that you both would benefit from....Starved for Affection, by Dr. Randy Carlson. I have read lots of Christ centered relationship, self help books over the past 20 plus years. If you could only read 'two books'.....I'd say go for these two.....Please!

I think reading all the, very recent, posts to God's Child will give you some great ideas of things you can do to assist with your healing.

With love and prayers in Christ........judi

Comment by Acacia Anthis on September 13, 2009 at 12:45pm

Just a common question: but how do you fully trust someone? I've been going to a counselor for about 3 months. While I feel rather 'safe' with him, I've been struggling to let him completely in my inner core; struggling with what words to say or how to say it. There is sexual abuse in my past and I deal with all the 'symptoms' that come with it (depression, anger, anxiety, self abuse, etc...). Several years ago, I dealt with the hardest parts of the abuse with a different counselor, having 'graduated' per se from counseling.
I went back a couple of months ago, because I was struggling with this issue again. But this 'go around' seems to be more difficult. I have such a hard time expressing to him my thoughts. We often sit in short silence and/or my anxiety levels rise too much that I cannot function, thus making me feel inadequate for wasting his time. I thought the more you tell your story, the easier it gets.... but apparently I am wrong in thinking that. Any ideas on how I can share, trust, let him in??

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