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Jeff W[ho Me?]
- 46, Male
- Leonardtown, MD
- United States
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Jeff W[ho Me?]'s Groups
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New Life Weekend 2009:...
33 members
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New Life Weekend 2009:...
26 members
Jeff W[ho Me?]'s Discussions
Emotional connection
Replied Nov 18
THE GOD ENVY DISORDER
Replied Nov 18
Jeff W[ho Me?]'s Page
Latest Activity
Pretty good insights, Thanks.
This may sound weird, but you may have a very unique husband if he really wants to connect emotionally with you (more often than not, the roles are reversed, the wife doesn't get enough emotional connection). In our marriage, I am the one who stru...
There is a book by Cloud & Townsend called "Safe People" that address some of your issues of how to decide who to let in or not. Not a perfect fit, because it sounds like it's more your fear of letting anyone get close again. My best suggestion is...
Pray more, try harder is how New Life sometimes refers to the religious jargon (or the idea that it's just you and God and that's all you need to overcome any hurt, you apparently just aren't trying or praying enough). I refer to it as wallpaperin...
I think we grew up as neighbors. Yes, my mom has narcissistic tendencies, can be self righteous, but not overly religious (if anything, hostile to Christianity by both of parents). I moved across the country to escape them, only to find they were ...
Hmmm....3 months since you posted this, but maybe, if you're like me, this is an ongoing struggle that may still be happening. This isn't meant to sound flippant, but if you're feeling alone, then perhaps you're disconnected which can make you fee...
Your willingness to share openly and honestly with us about your past is nothing short of astounding. Thank you. You deserve an "A" for this. I am glad that you merely survived at all. I'm pleased as punch you've chosen to seek healing for yoursel...
I gather you are referring to Milan's book "How We Love"? That's a doozie, my wife and I have walked our way slowly through the book and workbook and it has done wonders for us. It has in some ways given us a new level of accepting where my parent...
I refused to talk to our church nowadays becoz they will just be judgemental and I would really feel like they are "taking sides".. And whats more, these people tend to speculate and gossip. I hated that. Sometimes I find myself freely talking to ...
I was laughing at the "running from the room screaming comment". You put in your post. Yep struggled with the same fear and still do. Although there is some wisdom and knowing how much to share and with whom. Avoiding the critical people.
Jeff, how are you brother...I really liked your phrase "rocks and boulders" as a metaphor for my big hurts and really huge wounds that I hid inside and didn't want to share. yes that is huge, huge thing to finally let those things out. the hurt an...
Lately I've been using the phrase "rocks and boulders" as a metaphor for my big hurts and really huge wounds that I hid inside and didn't want to share for fear of facing it or the fear and shame that others would run screaming from the room and r...
Sounds like a case of "Toxic Faith" as the book Steve Arterburn puts it. I'm glad you got out (escape sounds more like it). We left a church that wasn't controlling but were very much in denial about things like dealing with feelings and hurts. Th...
We just cleared the hurdle for my wife and I to come....volunteer. We did the weekend in DC in April this year, so we can't quite swing two intensives (4 if you count there are 2 of us) in one year. Besides, they might do a New Life cruise next ye...
Profile Information
- What radio station do you listen to?
- 102.5
- Relationship Status
- Married without kids
- How did you first hear about this community
- Radio Program
Jeff W[ho Me?]'s Photos
Jeff W[ho Me?]'s Blog
![Jeff W[ho Me?]](http://api.ning.com/files/*4aHtK0qEsZi5rYnjF39MQ7uGyHIbrjJdMOZh9zQ9S8tva4QduirdPLAoQMar28sqz1GSlc21sSPsAEWDsh6JsCgY4lrFa9g/HappyJeff.JPG?width=32&height=32&crop=1%3A1){kind=small}
How We Love example (part 2)
2nd part from a newsletter by Milan & Kay Yerkovitch about their book "How We Love". The setting is a couple attending their workshop on stage in front of 150 people. They were not actors, but real people trying to work through a problem in their marriage.
Michael: "So what bugs you the most about me?"
Carol: "You are unaware of me and unavailable to me. It more than "bugs" me ...it infuriates me."
Becoming nervous at the Carole's intensity, Michael flashed a panicky look at me and I said… Continue
Michael: "So what bugs you the most about me?"
Carol: "You are unaware of me and unavailable to me. It more than "bugs" me ...it infuriates me."
Becoming nervous at the Carole's intensity, Michael flashed a panicky look at me and I said… Continue
Posted on November 18, 2009 at 3:03am —
How We Love example (part 1)
From a newsletter by Milan & Kay Yerkovitch about their book "How We Love". The setting is a couple attending their workshop on stage in front of 150 people. They were not actors, but real people trying to work through a problem in their marriage.
Carol: "So what bugs you the most about me?"
Michael: "When you ask me a lot of questions and make me come up with answers to explain myself or try to describe my feelings inside."
Carol: "How often does this happen?"
Michael: "Just about every… Continue
Carol: "So what bugs you the most about me?"
Michael: "When you ask me a lot of questions and make me come up with answers to explain myself or try to describe my feelings inside."
Carol: "How often does this happen?"
Michael: "Just about every… Continue
Posted on November 18, 2009 at 2:57am — 1 Comment
Rocks and Boulders - Why Recovery Works
Lately I've been using the phrase "rocks and boulders" as a metaphor for my big hurts and really huge wounds that I hid inside and didn't want to share for fear of facing it or the fear and shame that others would run screaming from the room and reject me. It's a huge, huge thing to finally let those things out. And for some of us, we haven't found that place to share them yet. We're still holding them inside and its killing us in different ways. I hid my abuse and hurts growing up from myself a… Continue
Posted on October 16, 2009 at 8:17am — 3 Comments
Learning to Love her again
Someone asked on the EMB site what to do for a wife to show her you love her. Man, I think they struck a chord in me. It's amazing what recovery can do. I was never able to do any of these until recently. I think I've done them all these last 2 years, but not too long ago I never believed I could do even one of these. God has restored what on my own I had torn apart.
-Tell her I love her. Repeatedly. Meaning it and feeling it. Because "she stayed".
-Go to recovery meetings with her. Share my fe… Continue
-Tell her I love her. Repeatedly. Meaning it and feeling it. Because "she stayed".
-Go to recovery meetings with her. Share my fe… Continue
Posted on October 3, 2009 at 1:49am — 3 Comments
Let it all come out - Newsboys
Favorite band: now I know why:
Who, who's touched you child? Now you can't feel a thing, not anything
Who's been the one telling you lies? Now you'll believe anything
OH YOU GOTTA LET, LET IT ALL COME OUT
LET, LET IT ALL COME OUT
RIGHT NOW
How, how many fires, to make you feel pure again, alive again?
And what will it take, what has to break, for you to begin again?
What will it take?
Lift yourself out of it all
Come out from the shadows to the sun
Oh you gotta lift yourself out of it all
Ye… Continue
Who, who's touched you child? Now you can't feel a thing, not anything
Who's been the one telling you lies? Now you'll believe anything
OH YOU GOTTA LET, LET IT ALL COME OUT
LET, LET IT ALL COME OUT
RIGHT NOW
How, how many fires, to make you feel pure again, alive again?
And what will it take, what has to break, for you to begin again?
What will it take?
Lift yourself out of it all
Come out from the shadows to the sun
Oh you gotta lift yourself out of it all
Ye… Continue
Posted on August 1, 2009 at 2:19pm — 2 Comments
Comment Wall (25 comments)
- At 1:46am on October 3, 2009,
Jeff W[ho Me?] said…
- It's amazing what recovery can do. I was never able to do any of these until recently. I think I've done them all (yeah, I'm bragging) but just a short time ago I never believed I could do even one of these. God has restored what on my own I had torn apart.
-Tell her I love her. Repeatedly. Meaning it and feeling it. Because "she stayed".
-Go to recovery meetings with her. Share my feelings and what I talked about and listen to her do the same.
-Have fun skiing with her, traveling, and just being together.
-Laugh with her because I discovered just how funny she is. And marvel at her.
-Do something incredibly hard - like share my deepest feelings and fears with her.
-Do marriage/growth study together with other couples at church and make new friends.
-Read New Life books books together and watch her flower grow after a long winter. Do the workbooks!
-Write a list of what I love and appreciate about her and read it to her.
-Cook dinner and do the dishes. Together. For the fun of it. Because I love her company.
-Take her on dates. Weekly.
-Take her on New Life Cruises because she enjoys them
-Take her to a New Life Intensive. Hold her after it's all over and cry together.
-Listen to New Life Live with her and talk about it during and afterwards, learning what healthy looks like.
-Take her to see New Life events in person every chance we get. Because they made all the difference.
-Pay for her to go to counseling. Twice a week if she wants it. She's worth it.
-Go to counseling myself. For both of us.
-Don't fix her or shut her down when she's sharing her stresses and hurts and excitements of the day.
-Listen. Daily.
-Call her in the middle of the work day just to ask how she's doing.
-Learn how to resolve conflict where no one loses: Enthusiastic joint agreement. Everyone wins, be creative.
-Don't criticize her in public or private.
-Come home from work at a reasonable time, calling ahead of time to show I'm thinking of her schedule.
-Call her "my bride" after 19 years of marriage. And mean it. Regularly. Because I know she likes it.
-Encourage her in any and ever task she decides to try. Because she's that creative.
-Practice patience when doing the bills together when she knows I get frustrated. Kiss her afterwards.
-Ask for forgiveness. Quickly.
-Read Christian romance novels with her. Because it warms both our hearts and touches our feelings.
-Earn a Master's and Doctorate in my wife and her feelings
-Accept that she uses stuffed animals to comfort her little girl inside that never knew any comfort growing up.
-Defend her when I would rather run away too when we are threatened
-Do How We Love book together and learn what hurt her, and express my deepest compassion for her losses.
-Hold her when she's crying, hurting, scared, or sad.
-Listen to her share her agony of what it my sin did to her and to us. Without defending.
-Share the agony and shame I felt and how terrified I was if she had chosen to leave. Sob in her arms.
-Ask her forgiveness for what my past and my sin did to both us.
-Tell her she's beautiful and sexy and that I'm really happy she said "I do". And mean it.
-Be the man she thought she married when I said "I do".
-Love her as best as I can with what God has given me and pray for her to the end of our days.
-Cry tears of sadness and joy as I write this list and what she means to me. Show her this list. Hold her.
A recovering addict who finally learned how to love his wife the way she deserved.
- At 6:45am on September 13, 2009,
scott said…
- jeff my freind,
long time no taking. i wish we could talk again....How is the CR group how is your relationship with your wife? ..I wanted to tell you about our small mens groups are going well we started anew one in seal beach.... God is good..
talk to you soon
Scott
- At 7:13am on September 2, 2009,
scott said…
- Jeff buddy.
How are you buddy ? I want to here all about the Saddleback meeting for CR? I want to talk to again... Idid not much time that day we talked...but.. I hope you are well..we will catch up soon......... I hope..you are well...GB scott
- At 9:33am on July 23, 2009,
Tami T said… - Hey Jeff, glad to have met you. You are wise and I appreciate your thoughtfulness in the room. Look forward to talking with you again soon. T
- At 3:41pm on July 18, 2009,
Sheri said… - Hi, Jeff,
No we haven't met yet but I guess we are meeting now. It's nice to meet you. Thank you for accepting my friendship request. I like your words and am looking forward to reading more. I joined the New Life community mostly to learn, but can't resist the desire to try to help people sometimes, so you'll probably see me giving advice sometimes on the board.
- At 12:29pm on July 10, 2009,
Jeff W[ho Me?] said…
- (Part II from below)
Michael: "So what bugs you the most about me?"
Carol: "You are unaware of me and unavailable to me. It more than "bugs" me ...it infuriates me."
Becoming nervous at the Carole's intensity, Michael flashed a panicky look at me and I said, "Just ask any one of the questions on the Listener help sheet (found on pages 256 - 258 of How We Love).
Michael: He scanned the questions, looked at Carol, took a deep breath, gulped audibly and said, "Tell me more."
Carol: "When I talk with you, no matter what the topic, you slowly begin to distance yourself from me. I can see you looking at me but your bank stare tells me you are miles away. I don't feel seen by you."
Michael: (Following another prompt by me to ask another question from the list) "How often do you feel this way."
Carol: "After 25 years, ALL of the time. You never see me, you never hear me, and you're just a 'deer in the headlights'. I want a partner."
Michael: (Eyes glued to the Listener help sheet) "What are the feelings that you experience when I'm not present with you in a conversation?"
Even though Carol had just asked the same question of Michael thirty minutes ago, she looked surprised and taken off guard. She looked at Michael, then to me and then to her soul word list (found on page 291 in How We Love). She was quiet for about 60 seconds. The silence was deafening... no one in the audience moved a muscle.
Carol: (With a softened voice and tears in her eyes) "I'm hurt, lost, alone, abandoned and terrified."
Michael's eyes widened as he looked more intently at Carol and actually leaned closer to her. Accustomed to anger and irritation, he looked surprised as softer more vulnerable words poured out of her mouth. The words seemed to sink in and register at new levels and his eyes welled up with tears in response. He spontaneously reached out and touched her hand.
Michael: (Now independently looking down at the newly found listener road map on his lap.) "Have you ever felt these feelings before?"
Neither one of them was anxiously glancing at me anymore, they were flying solo and their wings were level.
Carol: "My dad never talked with me, he was busy with his business, my brother's little league and had no interest in me. I felt invisible (big tears rolling down her cheeks)."
Michael: "I've always seen your dad as selfish jerk and that has been the focus of our discussions for twenty five years. I've never before thought of the little girl who had to grow up in his home. No wonder my distancing and freezing feels so bad to you."
Had Carol just won the California Lotto for a million dollars, I'm not sure if the look on her face could have been anymore surprised, delighted, and peaceful, as in that moment when for the first time in her life, her emotional childhood pain had been fully acknowledged and validated.
Michael was listening to her and seeing her.
Carol and Michael were now communicating in an intimate manner that was satisfying.
The Perfect Storm or "core pattern" is easy to see. Carol gets hurt, resentful and mad at being neglected. Her old childhood wounds of neglect become triggered and she gets angry at Michael. He in turn, is triggered by her intensity and tone which is a childhood trigger of his mother's endless interrogations. He further avoids and distances which in turn further fuels Carol's anger.
On and on is goes.
One year, five years, seventeen and now twenty five years have gone by.
Triggers colliding and Carol and Michael are oblivious to the powerful forces animating their emotions and behavior.
Tragic and sad? Yes!
Common? All too common!
As I said last week, "Every couple that comes into my office is getting triggered by the other spouse. Almost always, core fights are trigger vs. trigger, agitation vs. agitation and child vs. child."
Psalm l39: 23-24
"Search me O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me (NASB marginal reading 'way of pain');
And lead me in the everlasting way."
So rooting out the ways of pain is God's idea? Yes it is.
- At 12:24pm on July 10, 2009,
Jeff W[ho Me?] said…
- From a newsletter by Milan & Kay Yerkovitch about "How We Love" in a conference on stage in front of 150 people:
Carol: "So what bugs you the most about me?"
Michael: "When you ask me a lot of questions and make me come up with answers to explain myself or try to describe my feelings inside."
Carol: "How often does this happen?"
Michael: "Just about every time you look at me with 'that look' and your tone sounds like you are irritated."
Carol: "Every time I start asking you questions?"
Michael: "Just about."
Carol looked at me and said, 'see what I have to deal with. (Tears) "Its been like this for 25 years. He WON'T connect with me. I'm furious at him."
I said, "I appreciate your frustration, work with me and ask him these two questions (pointing to a piece of paper in her hand that I had given her).
Carol: "So, what are the feelings that occur inside you when that happens"
Michael: "I don't really know."
I pointed his attention to a list of soul words found on page 291 in our book How We Love. I told him to take his time and to pick the words that seemed to describe his inner feelings.
Michael: "I guess, afraid, shut down, un-easy, shamed, frozen, and nervous."
Carol looked at me and protested, "But I don't do those things to him!"
I said, Carol, just repeat back what you heard and ask the second question (drawing an irritated look at me).
Carol: "So I heard you say that you feel shamed, shut down, un-easy, frozen and nervous... are other times that you have ever felt this way in your life? Perhaps when you were a child?"
The silence was deafening and Michael just stared at Carol and the wheels inside were turning. By this point, they had completely forgotten that they were on a stage at a How We Love workshop and 150 people were themselves transfixed, frozen in silence and watching with baited breath.
Michael: "It's just like with my mom. My dad never talked with me, and my mom only asked me questions to keep me in line. She was always busy and in a hurry and when she would fire questions at me, she was impatient and irritated. I would just freeze up and say as little as possible. I couldn't even think. I would just stare and hope it would be over soon."
I asked Carol to ask him one last question.
Carol: "How old do you feel inside when you are in that emotional state?"
Michael: "Eight years old."
The tears welled up and Michael started to cry. Carol's eyes soon filled with tears and she spontaneously reached out and took his hand and they sat in silence for one minute, just looking at each other.
She turned and looked at me and said, "I didn't know this." In reality, neither did Michael.
They had been married 25 years and this subterranean trigger had been lurking, fully operational and animating his behaviors and her reactions and they were not even aware of it. Nor, did they have a word to describe it.
What Carol really wanted was an adult spouse that could engage in dialogue, exchange thoughts and share feelings and ideas.
Reasonable request? Absolutely.
What neither one of them realized however is that when the pressure increased, Michael turned into an eight year old and she didn't even realize it. No wonder they were both frustrated and irritated. Michael was getting triggered which then sabotaged all adult communication.
25 years of this would build resentment in any couple.
Rare? Common?
Every couple that comes into my office is getting triggered by the other spouse. Almost always, core fights are trigger vs. trigger, agitation vs. agitation and child vs. child.
See yourself? Take courage. There is a way out.
- At 9:05am on May 29, 2009,
Visi said… - Hey Jeff,
How's life my friend?
It has been a while since we spoke, I pray you are well!!!
Hope to talk soon.
Take Care!!!!
Visi
- At 6:25am on May 24, 2009,
scott said…
- jeff buddy,
happy birthday man.....wow what will you do for your birthday? you having a party? well i want to wish you a great birthday...no no i will not sing for you...
have a great day...your friend...scott
- At 4:56pm on May 23, 2009,
Visi said…
- Happy Birthday to You,
Happy Birthday to You,
Happy Birthday Dear Friend,
Happy Birthday to YOU!!!
I hope your birthday was greater then Fabulous!!!
Hope to talk soon. God be with You!
Visi
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