It All Began With a Phone Call
“ Hello, Life Matters, how may we assist you?”
“I need to talk to someone.”
“ OK, let me see who’s available.”
My hand shook as I was placed on hold. I almost lost my courage; I thought about my girls and strengthened my resolve.
“Hello, I’m Melissa. How can I help you?”
For the next forty-five minutes, Melissa spoke with me. We talked about my 16 year old son who had beat me up a couple of weeks earlier. We talked about my anger, my fear, and my husband’s refusal to help me control this child’s behavior. I told her how I had put my kids on the bus that morning and wanted to just step in front of the oncoming dump truck.
“What stopped you?” she asked.
“ My girls need me,” I replied. “Thy need me to be healthy and alive.”
Melissa made an appointment for me to see a counselor. I was a little concerned; I had to talk to a man. Wes turned out to be a very kind person. It was ok to talk to him. He did offer suggestions sometimes, but mostly, he would listen to me, and ask me questions to think things through myself. On our next to last visit, I was able to confide in Wes my terrible secret. My son’s beating had triggered a landslide of nightmares and flashbacks of my childhood abuse. I had shut them out for years and locked the door with my mental padlock, but now they were leeching out through the cracks. Locked inside my world of fear, with all the guilt and shame I thought I deserved, I became a dead man walking.
Wes steered me in the direction of a 12 step group, called Celebrate Recovery. I was terrified the first time I attended a meeting, but the group’s acceptance of me drew me back. Surrounded by a group of women as wounded as myself, I began my healing journey. I could share my struggles freely, without fear of judgment. I received encouragement as others who were farther along on their journey shared their victories. I formed a support team: my sponsor Laura, and three other women who are my accountability partners. These women have reached out their hands and given freely of their time to help me. They have walked beside me and helped me be strong as I have had to allow my son to take the consequences of his actions. Each tiny baby step of my recovery has been cheered. I began working with another counselor, who has more experience working with my particular abuse issues.
I became part of an on-line community called New Life. There I have connected with others who share my pain and offer support. I have been able to offer my own support to others just beginning their own journey. Many of my on-line friends attend their own weekly Celebrate Recovery meetings in their cities. This on-line support has been important for me, available 24/7, even in the middle of the night when my struggle has sometimes been the worst.
September 15, 2009, is the first anniversary date of my son’s beating. I still struggle with my issues, but I am no longer a prisoner of my abuse. I am able to understand that the shame and blame of my abuse lies squarely on the shoulders of my abusers, not on me. I am facing my fear of men and my fear of abandonment head on.
In January of this year, I made a decision to go to college. It was a dream that I gave up as I started to believe my abusers’ words. I had never seen myself as someone who was smart, strong, or capable. The evidence is proving me wrong, and my support team has been right behind me to encourage me. I have juggled my home, family of seven children, and preparations for school with minimal help. I began my first day of school with high anxiety. As I enter my second week, my laundry is done. Tonight’s supper is in the crock pot. I am current in all five of my classes, and even a little ahead in a couple of them. Even algebra has become a challenge to conquer instead of a wall that cannot be breached. Every Friday night, at our Celebrate Recovery meetings, I am able now to welcome newcomers; I am able to step outside of my fear to help someone who is broken like me. I no longer consider myself a victim; I am a survivor.
It all began with a phone call.
“I need to talk to someone.”
“ OK, let me see who’s available.”
My hand shook as I was placed on hold. I almost lost my courage; I thought about my girls and strengthened my resolve.
“Hello, I’m Melissa. How can I help you?”
For the next forty-five minutes, Melissa spoke with me. We talked about my 16 year old son who had beat me up a couple of weeks earlier. We talked about my anger, my fear, and my husband’s refusal to help me control this child’s behavior. I told her how I had put my kids on the bus that morning and wanted to just step in front of the oncoming dump truck.
“What stopped you?” she asked.
“ My girls need me,” I replied. “Thy need me to be healthy and alive.”
Melissa made an appointment for me to see a counselor. I was a little concerned; I had to talk to a man. Wes turned out to be a very kind person. It was ok to talk to him. He did offer suggestions sometimes, but mostly, he would listen to me, and ask me questions to think things through myself. On our next to last visit, I was able to confide in Wes my terrible secret. My son’s beating had triggered a landslide of nightmares and flashbacks of my childhood abuse. I had shut them out for years and locked the door with my mental padlock, but now they were leeching out through the cracks. Locked inside my world of fear, with all the guilt and shame I thought I deserved, I became a dead man walking.
Wes steered me in the direction of a 12 step group, called Celebrate Recovery. I was terrified the first time I attended a meeting, but the group’s acceptance of me drew me back. Surrounded by a group of women as wounded as myself, I began my healing journey. I could share my struggles freely, without fear of judgment. I received encouragement as others who were farther along on their journey shared their victories. I formed a support team: my sponsor Laura, and three other women who are my accountability partners. These women have reached out their hands and given freely of their time to help me. They have walked beside me and helped me be strong as I have had to allow my son to take the consequences of his actions. Each tiny baby step of my recovery has been cheered. I began working with another counselor, who has more experience working with my particular abuse issues.
I became part of an on-line community called New Life. There I have connected with others who share my pain and offer support. I have been able to offer my own support to others just beginning their own journey. Many of my on-line friends attend their own weekly Celebrate Recovery meetings in their cities. This on-line support has been important for me, available 24/7, even in the middle of the night when my struggle has sometimes been the worst.
September 15, 2009, is the first anniversary date of my son’s beating. I still struggle with my issues, but I am no longer a prisoner of my abuse. I am able to understand that the shame and blame of my abuse lies squarely on the shoulders of my abusers, not on me. I am facing my fear of men and my fear of abandonment head on.
In January of this year, I made a decision to go to college. It was a dream that I gave up as I started to believe my abusers’ words. I had never seen myself as someone who was smart, strong, or capable. The evidence is proving me wrong, and my support team has been right behind me to encourage me. I have juggled my home, family of seven children, and preparations for school with minimal help. I began my first day of school with high anxiety. As I enter my second week, my laundry is done. Tonight’s supper is in the crock pot. I am current in all five of my classes, and even a little ahead in a couple of them. Even algebra has become a challenge to conquer instead of a wall that cannot be breached. Every Friday night, at our Celebrate Recovery meetings, I am able now to welcome newcomers; I am able to step outside of my fear to help someone who is broken like me. I no longer consider myself a victim; I am a survivor.
It all began with a phone call.
Add a Comment
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Comment by Michael on September 8, 2009 at 6:52am - This is an amazing story. Could you tell me a bit more about "Life Matters"? What is their phone number? Glad you are doing well!
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Comment by Carolyn on September 7, 2009 at 10:17am - Thank you so much for sharing. This is encouragement for me to be able to take that first step, too..
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Comment by Tim on September 6, 2009 at 11:05am - Wow you story is incredible. I just joined CR two months ago. I have had peace for the first time in my life. I have a sponsor and several acccountability partners. I attend my meeting regularly, meeting with my sponsor weekly, and contact my accountability partners every other day. I try to encourage the men on EMB to attend CR. Thank you for your post. May God bless you and your familty.
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Comment by lisa saunders on September 6, 2009 at 10:31am - And His Spirit is magnified through your life in your words, you express feelings and I feel the glory of our Lord..Thank God for you One..you are a blessing..in Jesus's name Amen
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Comment by mustangguy on September 6, 2009 at 10:29am -
Hey One,
That is ONE incredible post. God bless you for being willing to be open and share and tell a story that will encourage other folks in New Life Land.
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